Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I now have an Angel Baby & a Rainbow Baby..

I couldn't be more happy today. December will forever be the worst, yet best month of my life. On Tuesday, Dec 29 our Rainbow Baby was born. I wish I didn't have a "rainbow" baby, I wish she was just a baby.. but, it is what it is and we are proud. There are so many coincedences between baby O and baby J, it's crazy. Let me name a few; They were both born in December. They were both born on a Tuesday. They were both born in the same room. O was exactly 2 pounds bigger than her brother. They are the same length at birth, exactly.  So many little things, J HAD to of had a hand in her birth. I went into the hospital to switch my meds. I wasn't supposed to give birth until Jan 4. However, I was going to ask the doc if she would just induce me also. I asked and long story short, she said "maybe". THEN she looked at the monitor and seen I was contracting.. I was in early labor ON MY OWN. I've NEVER gone into labor on my own. Always induced. I would like to thank J for helping his mommy out!

Sorry so short and I know it's been a while, but I am EXHAUSTED still...

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Much deserved recognition!

I got an email from the National Stillbirth Society today. It was an amazing email! It said that the Servicemembers Group Life Insurance is now recognizing stillborn babies as dependants and will begin paying the death benefit for them. Before now, they wouldn't do this. This isn't amazing because of the money, even though that money will help out in so many aspects with baby lost families. It's because the babies are getting noticed.. they are being recognized for the babies that they are. I hope many other insurance companies follow their lead. We really deserve this. The babies really deserve this. There are so many insurance companies out there that say "no sorry, baby has to of lived for 24 hours or more.." before they will pay out that life insurance. Well, why? Regardless of how long they lived, they were alive for 9 months in utero, and then the babies that are alive for only moments after birth.. what's the difference between them and the babies that lived 24-48 hours after birth? They were ALL once alive. We listened to their heart EVERY month. That's more alive than anything I've ever known!

Me and a friend were talking tonight after I told her this. Another point was brought up. When our baby's are born still, we still have to bury or cremate them. We have memorial services. There can be alot of money spent on something we NEVER would IMAGINE that we would need to spend on. Yet, we can't claim the death benefit to help in the cost! I hope many of you have the SGLI and will be using it. Here you can read more about it!


Monday, December 7, 2009

Amazing news.. Perfect timing!

Today, after getting home from some appointments that I had, I got an email from our NILMDTS photographer, Mike. I blogged about him and the organization back in august. The email said that a news station wanted to do a story about NILMDTS.. so basically, he's asking if we would do the story with him, share how it's helped in this healing process and also share some pics of J!! I am SO excited (but a lil nervous) lol!! Any of you that have had to use NILMDTS know how amazingly important those pics are.. and I'm sure you all share in my greatfulness (is that a word?) for them. For so long, I've wanted nothing more than to get the word out there about Stillbirth and NILMDTS and I guess it's here! If we are all truthful, how many of us knew about them before your loss? I didn't. Hopefully lots of people learn something that day on the news..

Ahhh that's all. Just wanted to share in my excitement!!!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

1 year+ a couple days!

So J's big day came and left. I was so stressed out leading up to the day. I guess the thought of the day, the flooding memories of everything that transcribed that day, one year ago, were much worse than it actually played out to be. We made sure to keep it happy. I did, however, take time to myself.. just to reflect back on the past year. Thinking about all the fabulous things that have happened in our life, since it was turned upside down. I am certain that the first year is the hardest, after that, we can do ANYTHING. I guess I never really realized how strong we were. Strong as individuals and as a family. I'm sure I've stated this about 5 billion times, but my husband really is the best there is. He's my kickstand when I feel like I'm about to fall. And no matter what, he will be there to listen. He will tell me that it will all be ok and somehow, it is. It's always ok.

This weekend has been a little trying for me. This weekend, a year ago, was J's memorial service. Last year, Dec 6 was on a saturday. Last year on Dec 7 (sunday) while my mom was here, we went downtown and saw the holiday parade. Of course I was no longer pregnant. It was such a beautiful parade, but I couldn't even enjoy it with everything else going on. I wanted to go downtown today for the parade, but with my husband on another "trip", there was NO WAY I was takin the kids by myself! lol Now, the hardest week of my life, one year later, is almost over. I'm so glad I got here, and even more glad to be done with it.

Oh yeah- last year there were some people that couldn't come down for the memorial, I understood, but alot of those people didn't even call to say sorry.. or just check on us. I still haven't been able to let that go. I'm not sure how. I mean, such a huge time in our life and a few people couldn't even call? Send a card? Something? Anything? Now, I find myself having that same thing happen. Those that didn't call on Dec 2, just to check on us.. or tell us they were thinking about us. A text. An email. A comment on facebook. Anything. I have that animosity again. My family did. My friends did.. most of them. But Dh's family? No, not one. My mom even sent us flowers. They were so pretty.. and still sitting on the coffee table. I hope they never die. lol Yeah, nice wish. Anyway, how do I get over that anger towards those people? Or should I get over it? Am I right or wrong to feel like that? Shouldn't they have some sort of compassion towards their own son/nephew/grandson? Because my husband is a man, do they think it doesn't bother him?