tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-90491269691845993242024-03-13T01:18:17.151-04:00Born Still, Still LovedOur lives before, during and after our son was born ever so silent and sleeping..~J's Mommy~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12315782116807878451noreply@blogger.comBlogger41125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9049126969184599324.post-80952404536317539802011-12-02T21:18:00.000-05:002011-12-02T21:18:05.498-05:003 short years..Do you remember any event in your life, big or small, from 3+ years ago like it was yesterday? I can't think of anything that I have ever done, gone through, witnessed, etc., my entire life that I have VERY good memory about. That I can still feel the feelings I felt that day. 3 years ago today we welcomed, and said good-bye, to the most precious baby we have ever seen! I recall the days leading up to the delivery like it was yesterday. In fact, I remember everything up to handing him over to the Pastor, very vividly! After that though, it's a blur. <br />
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Today DH was supposed to work until about 7pm. So me and the kids started our day off as we normally do. Everything was fine and going pretty smooth. DH happened to get off early, so instead of me bringing the kids to grocery shop with me, I met him at Lowes (we were already on the way) to give him the kids. Once I was alone it all hit me. I had one of my "I can't breathe" moments. I took about 10 minutes and did a big ol' 'pity me' while I was alone. I told DH I should have kept the kids.. when I was with them I didn't have a moment to think! After that my day only got better. I finished Christmas shopping for most the kids and now I will make some molasses cookies. Molasses cookies and Jayce go hand in hand.. <br />
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The void you feel in your heart after you lose a child is a feeling like no other. I honestly can't even explain it to you, not that you would want to know what something like that is like. Being able to celebrate December 2nd every year with our birthday boy here with us would be something amazing. Something I dream about. What's that thing they say? "If you can dream it, you can achieve it"? To bad that isn't the truth.. <br />
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Happy Birthday, Baby Boy! We miss you so much!!~J's Mommy~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12315782116807878451noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9049126969184599324.post-43157085036814132442011-10-11T20:52:00.000-04:002011-10-11T20:52:36.770-04:00Zombies and The Sandman??I had to run a few errands today, after the last one DS and I decided to make a stop at a local bakery to grab a sweet treat for everyone in the house. On our way over there we passed an older cemetary. DS noticed it and said "mom, there are dead bodies over there". I didn't see the cemetary right away so I was a little confused and asked him to repeat what he said. We talked about when people die they can be buried there if that's what they want. DS asked if they turn into zombies once they are buried. I told him no and we talked about it for a few minutes. After a bit he asked where 'baby brother Jayce' was buried. We talked some more and I explained that he was cremated.. of course I didn't go into detail about how it's done. He asked what that meant though, so I said that his body was turned into ashes.. sorta like sand. He said "so my brother is the sandman??" Kids take everything so literal. I forget that sometimes, well, most the time. <br />
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Once we got home DS wanted to see the "sand". So I took him to it and showed him. He thought it was pretty cool. He said things like "that's my baby brother"!! Shortly after that we went out for dinner. On the way there and back be talked about J often. Saying different things like how he missed him. Once AS got home from gymnastics, DS realllllly wanted to show her their brother's sand. So I got it down for him and let him show her. AS was a bit startled. I guess all this time I assumed that she knew he was cremated. She didn't.. she thought he was buried. She thought that after his memorial service when she seen him lying in the casket, they took him to be buried. She was visibly upset, but not crying. She said she didn't ever want to be ashes. I had to explain to her why we didn't bury him. Our reasoning is: Since we are military, we will move. If we buried him here and got orders somewhere else, we would have to leave him behind. I can't do that. My husband can't do that. We just couldn't. After I explained that, she understood and was OK with it. She felt much better. She was still upset that the sand in front of her was her brother, but that is understandable since she just found out. She's seen this pretty little container on the shelf for the last couple years and she had no idea that there was something in it! <br />
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I feel horrible that I didn't explain that to her. However, now that I am talking (typing) this out I think maybe it's better that she's just now finding out. She's 10, she was only 8 when this happened and I don't know if she would have fully understood. Maybe I am just trying to make myself feel better since I failed in the explaining of this. <br />
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After all conversations were over tonight DS decided that he wanted his baby brother Jayce to sleep with him tonight. So, we took the pretty little urn up to DS's room and put it on his shelf. He's now sleeping peacefully with his brother over him.. I love my kids.~J's Mommy~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12315782116807878451noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9049126969184599324.post-31736310800653394932011-06-23T23:01:00.000-04:002011-06-23T23:01:16.347-04:00Butterfly KissesI always find myself looking and searching for "signs". Sign's that will let me know J is around us. I often find little things here and there that, to me, signify that he is indeed here. Nothing compares to the latest "I love you, mommy" that I had though. Me and my husband recently went on a cruise to the Bahamas. On one of our days at sea I was talking to DH about how I hadn't seen any bugs out there at all. I asked him why there were none, not that I wanted any flying around us, but it's weird being outside with not one bug! He explained that since we were in the middle of a huge body of water, there really isn't anywhere for the bugs to live or come from. They would have to come a loooong way to find us out there! A few hours later we were on the back of the ship on a deck where kids weren't allowed. It was a place to lay out, have drinks and/or sit in one of two hot tubs. While DH was sitting in the hot tub chatting it up with some people, I was laying in the sun watching the ocean. It was so peaceful! As I often do when I have a moment to think to myself, I was thinking about J and how much he has changed our lives. While thinking of him- a big, pretty butterfly came out of no where and flew right in front of me!!! How is that possible? I mean there was not ONE insect anywhere! That very instant I knew that this was my 'hello'! For me, it was the most gratifying thing that could have ever happened in regards to J. I have no other words to describe it other than, simply amazing. <br />
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So, to my baby.. Thank you for that butterfly. Because of you, butterflies now have a new meaning to me. As always, I think of you everyday. My heart aches when I think of how long it's been since I held you. DS speaks of you, his "baby brother Jayce", often and OS is now pointing to all of your pictures in pure delight squeeling "BABY"! She doesn't know who you are yet, but you are a familiar face to her. <br />
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Butterfly kisses to you, baby boy! I love you.~J's Mommy~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12315782116807878451noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9049126969184599324.post-13170825848103418402011-06-07T12:44:00.000-04:002011-06-07T12:44:59.554-04:00Fundraising in memory of Jayce..The TEARS foundation is coming to Charleston on July 30 to host "Rock and Walk". They are raising money to help out bereaved parents. We have formed a team- Jayce Sumlin- and will walk and raise money in his honor. <a href="http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/tiasumlin/jaycelsumlin">Here is the link to our page</a>! I hope all of you can either join our team and walk, or donate. <br />
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Thank you!~J's Mommy~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12315782116807878451noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9049126969184599324.post-64706966312534585542011-02-25T12:31:00.001-05:002011-02-25T12:33:51.759-05:00So fat, so angry!Ok, so I have been doing Beach Body's workout "Insanity". It's very difficult. It's a 63 day program and the second month is much harder than the first. Today I started the second month. As I was working my ass off, I got SO ANGRY! I realized, I was pregnant 3 years in a row and gained this weight. Not that I am fat by any means. I only weigh 127 pounds. I do, however, have some belly fat that I am trying to get rid of. Anyway, pregnant 3 years in a row and only have 2 freakin' babies here to hug on. How the fuck is that fair? I mean, if you thought it was fair to take my son.. why not take my freakin' belly too? Does this make any sense? I am just reallllllllly mad right now. It would be much easier for me to get through this if I had 3 babies to put to bed each night. Three babies to pick on AS. Three carseats to throw in my big SUV... <br />
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Hard day. The end.<br />
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Oh and p.s. I know you all won't understand. Most will be like "is she freakin' serious, she's 5'6" and only 127.. wtf is wrong with her.." But whatever.. I don't expect many to understand anything anyway.~J's Mommy~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12315782116807878451noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9049126969184599324.post-69484374455892038292011-02-04T16:37:00.000-05:002011-02-04T16:37:29.390-05:00Vote!Hey there! As I'm sure all of you have read by now, after J was born we had Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep come in and take pictures. Basically what that is, is a photographer who has a HUGE heart, and comes to do a photo session of your baby that has either already passed (stillborn) or will pass after birth. It's volunteer work, they are not paid to do this and you don't pay for the session. They give you a CD with all of the pics along with the rights to print them as you wish. I'm grateful for these people for many reasons. A couple of them are here: My husband and I were definately NOT in the right mind set to even think of taking pictures. Sure we snapped a few here and there, but nothing amazing. Another thing, even if we were thinking of pictures and such, our camera died after the few pics we were able to get ourselves. So, not only did our NILMDTS photographer capture some beautiful pics and edit them up for us, he captured a life time of memories, when there were only hours to squeeze them in. Grateful doesn't even describe it. <br />
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That being said, there is a contest. The can win some money to help them out if you just go vote! <a href="http://www.kwiksurveys.com/online-survey.php?surveyID=IJNEKM_9dac7129">http://www.kwiksurveys.com/online-survey.php?surveyID=IJNEKM_9dac7129</a> I'm not sure how long voting is going to last, but if you do it and have your friends do it, they are sure to win!<br />
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Also, thanks to my friends and family on facebook who put this link up for me. It always amazes me that the ones you think will help out a organization close to my heart, aren't the ones that do. It's the people that you don't think will, that do. So, again, thank you!~J's Mommy~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12315782116807878451noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9049126969184599324.post-72827607427029399772010-12-21T23:22:00.000-05:002010-12-21T23:22:29.922-05:00Two Years Old.. just a few days late.On Wednesday, December 1st, I made a very last minute decision to drive to Orlando to see my sister who was there for a work conference. I took the 2 little kids with me. My husband and the oldest girl had to stay home due to work and gymnastics obligations. It was a nice trip.. and I enjoyed seeing my sister who I only get to see about once a year or less. The majority of my ride there, I was thinking about the next day.. December 2. Which of course is J's birth/angel day. I was hoping it would be a good day. Especially since I would be spending it without my husband. It's such a tough day.. A day you really need your spouse! The day came, and it was great. I started out shopping with the kids while my sister was at her conference and ended it shopping.. then eating pizza at the (super nice) hotel that we were in on Disney property. My mom and (other) sister let us know that they were thinking about us and that is always nice. <br />
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Once night time hit and my sister and the kids were asleep, things changed a little bit. I couldn't sleep. The wheels in my head kept turning and turning and turning. Two years ago, that night, I was laying in my hospital bed, crying.. holding and trying to sleep with our dead son.. also trying to keep him warm. That was the sort of thoughts I was having. Just reliving it all.. Not that I want to relive it, but it's such a huge day, it's hard not to. Somedays, like that night, when I think about this I wish I would wake up. Wake up and realize that this is just a 2 year nightmare I've been having. Anyone care to pinch me??~J's Mommy~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12315782116807878451noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9049126969184599324.post-25262629932975351612010-10-26T13:36:00.000-04:002010-10-26T13:36:46.572-04:00Walking to Remember.. and coincidences!So a couple months ago I ordered pizza. I ordered from a place we've only had once, prior to this time. When the pizza man got here, he immediately commented on my tattoo. He was surprised and thought it was so cool. He then told me that his girlfriend has footprints on her back.. for her brother who was born still. I told him that my feet were our sons, who was also born still. He paused for a minute after our brief exchange of words, money and pizza and said that he wished his girlfriend was able to talk about her brother without crying, like I can. He said I seemed to be in such a better place than she is, and he admires that. <br />
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Later that same night, I was chatting with one of my bff's, AG. She got on me about not blogging lately. Then, before bed that night, I went into the garage to get a coke out of the fridge and there was a big, beautiful feather! For those who may not know, feathers are your baby's way of saying "hi mom, i'm here.."! So, for me, that day was FULL of J! He was all over me that day and it completely made my week a great one. I love days like those. Just recently I had to go pick AS up from gymnastics. My husband was going to a movie with his friend, so I would be coming home to an empty house. When I got home, another big, pretty feather INSIDE my house! Times like those make me say "YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!" to myself! I love it. <br />
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More recently, we attended our second annual 'Walk to Remember'. A few of our friends were able to go with us to support us and remember J. The walk was great. A perfect day for a walk. A big thank you to our friends that were there!<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWIFaYzw8ji2xo2vTuI5HS14rDEM6M4E8E5cD0abCL-cwi0nCCptYnsR2MMODiDA5A4kb9T0xzofAbEPwUx7yUw4CEmjsdYfBd9qCcD83bvI0SNhEv-lD-ZgAxkh59J-tvm6uR8koM8s0e/s1600/walk6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" nx="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWIFaYzw8ji2xo2vTuI5HS14rDEM6M4E8E5cD0abCL-cwi0nCCptYnsR2MMODiDA5A4kb9T0xzofAbEPwUx7yUw4CEmjsdYfBd9qCcD83bvI0SNhEv-lD-ZgAxkh59J-tvm6uR8koM8s0e/s320/walk6.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
With halloween creeping up on us again, I can't help but to think about what J would have been this year. With his brother being spiderman AGAIN this year (his choice, not mine), I think I would have had J dressed up as venom! lol How cute would they be together!? <br />
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From here on out, our year is going to be crazy. Crazier than it's already been! I hope all my followers have been well and I'm so happy for those of you that have either had your rainbow babies, or those coming soon! Like I've said before, those rainbow babies sure are amazing! <br />
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<3~J's Mommy~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12315782116807878451noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9049126969184599324.post-79875674864132263592010-07-03T23:40:00.000-04:002010-07-03T23:40:16.592-04:00one of those days..Today is just "one of those days". I'm not sure why, as I haven't had a day like this in quite some time. Maybe it's the quiteness in the house? Maybe it's the wine I've had tonight? Or maybe if we mix those two things up, add in a little time to think and reflect, you come out with a day, or should I say NIGHT, like this. <br />
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The day J was born, I bought a baby bjorn from some lady on craigslist. I met her in the parking lot of bi-lo right before I went in for my appointment. I thought I got rid of it, but apparently my husband found it about a week ago. Along with MORE clothes!!!!! Where did the clothes come from! I swear to you all, I've thought that I got rid of all the boy clothes.. a few seperate times. There are MORE! lol I want to use the bjorn, but for some reason, I'm scared to use it! It's like I think it's cursed or something. I know this is crazy, trust me, I know. As soon as DH gets home I am going to have him take it out of where ever he found it so I can use it. I WILL use it. <br />
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I put some pictures up on <a href="http://www.facebook.com/HisMrs143">facebook</a> today.. of J. This is the first time I have done this. I've always felt like they are MY pics... and I don't wanna share them. Today though, I just want everyone looking at him. I want everyone to see how super gorgeous he is. Now while I look at pics, him and O look a lot alike. They have the same crazy cawlick that drives me CRAZZZZZZZZZZZZZY! <br />
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I see I have new followers. I wonder how ya'll found me?? I assume most have had their own loss.. I want to hear your story. I love meeting new people like me. I hate WHY we meet, but I love the understanding...~J's Mommy~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12315782116807878451noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9049126969184599324.post-38564846634500070642010-05-03T22:46:00.000-04:002010-05-03T22:46:32.817-04:00So much, but so little!I haven't abandoned this blog or all my readers! I feel like I say this in every blog lately, but I'm SO BUSY! I don't have time for anything! Anyway, I found more of J's clothes. Crazy! Good thing about this, I now have 2 sisters that are having babies. One is for sure having a boy, the other doesn't know the sex yet. I sent the clothes up to the younger of the two sisters. So soon I will be seeing one (or two) of my NEW nephews in J's clothes! I can't wait. <br />
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Lately I compare pics of J with pics of O. They look EXACTLY the same. I thought D and J looked alike, but the comparison with J and O is just unreal. They both have the same cawlick. The same eyes, nose, EVERYTHING. It's almost scary! I love it though. They could be twins! lol <br />
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Hope everyone is doing well and all my fellow baby lost mom's are healing and doing well! Do any of the other mama's have any rainbow babies on the way?? I know a couple of my friends do and it's SO amazing! I can't wait for them to be born. One of my friends is pregnant with TWINS! 2 lil' rainbow babies!!! <br />
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On my way to dream the best dreams of J...~J's Mommy~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12315782116807878451noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9049126969184599324.post-51903779025668451892010-03-10T12:31:00.002-05:002010-03-10T12:33:24.545-05:00I love this..<strong><em>Dear Mommy & Daddy,</em></strong><br />
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<strong><em>I see you each time you shed a tear,</em></strong><br />
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<strong><em>I catch it and kiss you, I hope that you know that I'm near.</em></strong><br />
<strong><em>This place is so beautiful, There's so much to see!</em></strong><br />
<strong><em>I know that someday you'll be here with me.<br />
The angels were singing when I arrived!</em></strong><br />
<strong><em>Jesus was there with His arms open wide!</em></strong><br />
<strong><em>The snow and the rain are just my confetti.</em></strong><br />
<strong><em>I know you'll be coming and I want to be ready.</em></strong><br />
<strong><em>When you feel the wind, it's me walking by.</em></strong><br />
<strong><em>I can run and skip now, I can even fly!</em></strong><br />
<strong><em>When the blossoms and leaves fall into your hair,</em></strong><br />
<strong><em>It's me planting kisses, yes, I put them there!</em></strong><br />
<strong><em>The birds are singing to keep you company,</em></strong><br />
<strong><em>They're especially for you with love from me.</em></strong><br />
<strong><em>I know that you miss me and feel so alone,</em></strong><br />
<strong><em>Until the great day when you finally come home</em></strong><br />
<strong><em>Please remember as the seasons change from one to another,</em></strong><br />
<strong><em>I'll always love you. You're my friend and my mother.</em></strong>~J's Mommy~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12315782116807878451noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9049126969184599324.post-20199336107499218342010-03-02T01:12:00.000-05:002010-03-02T01:12:24.780-05:0015 monthsToday marks 15 months since our son grew wings and flew off to heaven! Can you believe it? I sure can't! I often wonder what life would be like right now if he were here. I would have a newborn, 1 year old and 2 year old all running round, screaming, playing, fighting, crying!!! Oh and can you imagine the diapers??? YIKES!! Three kids under 2 years old? That instantly equals an insane mommy! A title I wouldn't mind having! lol <br />
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So much has happened in the 15 months since J got his pretty little wings. It's amazing. We were ripped apart by his death, but we were blessed with so much also. I'm sure I've said this is a prior blog, but I think this sort of loss will either make or break your marriage. I'm so glad that ours was strengthened so much. We agreed that we were in it for good times and bad.. we definately stuck to our word. I love my husband and our children so much!<br />
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I am very happy with the way I have dealt with losing our son. I am happy that I don't have "those days" to often. I am happy that I can be happy on a daily basis, but still miss J. I love being able to think of him each day without a complete breakdown. I know quite a few babylost women who breakdown often and it's so sad. I wish their heart would heal easier. And yes, I do think of him everyday. I talk about him nearly everyday. I see his pictures hanging on the wall all day. And I miss him each and every second of each and everyday. I guess I just found a great way to handle such huge loss. <br />
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After Christmas I went through all of our baby stuff. I decided it was time to donate all of our baby boy stuff. There were a few things of J's that I kept, but 98% of it was donated. I won't be able to use it, may as well let somebody else.. Like I said, I kept a few of the things that were J's. You always keep a few items from each child, right!? :o) Well a couple weeks ago I was cleaning out our master closet and I seen a big blue bin. I had no idea what was in it. Upon opening it, more baby boy stuff! In this blue bin was all the REALLY CUTE, newborn baby boy stuff (and a couple of big boy outfits). I died going through it. It was all of my favorite stuff from DS that we saved for J. All the stuff that I couldn't wait to see him in! I went through this bin-piece by piece. Just looking at it all. Imagining our super cute baby boy in them. Each piece. It was heartbreaking for me. Again. Another heartbreak. Another one of those days, which for me come few and far between (thankfully), that I just wanna scream WHY US, why our son!?!?!? After I finished looking at each piece, I knew I had to also donate those clothes. I can't use them, so someone less fortunate should be able to, right? It seems fair. I did take out the 3 big boy outfits in there. I'm going to let lil miss O wear them when she's big enough. They aren't TOTALLY boyish.. one is like a sweatsuit type thing (i think thats what you call it). It's light blue and I think it'll be cute on her once she can fit it. It'll be a long while. I think it's size 18 months. I will be sure to post a pic when she fits it though. <br />
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Missing J extra tonight...~J's Mommy~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12315782116807878451noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9049126969184599324.post-6623586449437491272010-02-26T09:41:00.000-05:002010-02-26T09:41:52.801-05:00My doctor is amazingI feel like January and February just slipped right by! With so much going on around here I haven't had time for anything! I am coming up on 15 months since J left us and just past that 7 week mark that O joined us. I had my 6 week post-partum check up yesterday. I requested that my appt be with Dr.M. I love her. She's my favorite doc at the practice. She wasn't the doc who delivered J, but she was the doc who admitted me the day I went in to deliver him and she was a huge part of my pregnancy with O-also her delivering doctor. While I was pregnant, I seen her quite a bit (versus the other docs there). We always talked.. she would ask questions and I would answer. And I kid you not, EVERYTIME I seen her, we both got tears. I'm not sure why that happens with her? I normally don't get like that. Maybe it's because she asks questions that no one else asks? Or maybe I feel safe with her.. like I can cry and it's ok? She knows the pain I went through. Not through personal experience (that I know of), but just by seeing me and growing with me through it all. She's a doctor with a heart and I love that about her. She seems to care alot and put more than her "MD" into her appointment. <br />
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DH and I are done having children. We are both excited to be done and move on into new chapters. With that being said, I am so sad that I won't be going to the doctors office on a twice weekly basis anymore. I've had such a huge relationship with them since 2006. They were apart of the happiest days of my life as well as the saddest days of my life. Now it's like BOOM they are not gonna be a part of my life at all really! I'm having seperation anxiety or something. How crazy is that? I wonder if other baby loss mommies go through this? Maybe I need to try get a job there or something. Shoot, I think I've been around that place more than some of the employees.. lol <br />
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Life is calling me back to reality now. I will be back to blog more... and it won't take so long to get back and do it this time!!~J's Mommy~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12315782116807878451noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9049126969184599324.post-26251588279960186852010-01-27T21:59:00.000-05:002010-01-27T21:59:05.216-05:00Go and vote for "Stillbirth-Stop The Madness"!!!!If you guys could vote for the "Stillbirth- Stop the maddness" I would greatly appreciate it! Go to the link and on the side click on womens health, then 'stillbirth stop the madness'. <br />
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<a href="http://www.thedoctorstv.com/produce/vote">VOTE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</a><br />
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Thanks so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <br />
(copied from another site)<br />
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Dear Stillbirth Mommies & Friends, <br />
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We have just submitted the suggestion of Stillbirth Research & Education for a segment on the NBC program The Doctor’s. <br />
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Now we need your help! <br />
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The most popular segments are selected for production – please go to the website below and vote for this suggestion. Ask your friends to vote frequently and get the word out. This would be a tremendous opportunity to gain the awareness that we need. PLEASE put the voting information on your respective websites. Copy this message and send to everyone in your address books. <br />
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<a href="http://www.thedoctorstv.com/produce/vote">VOTE HERE!!!</a><br />
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look for the following submission. It is categorized under Women’s Health. <br />
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Stillbirth – Stop the Madness! <br />
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THANK YOU!!!~J's Mommy~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12315782116807878451noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9049126969184599324.post-31306630350449385582010-01-21T20:27:00.001-05:002010-01-21T20:30:47.733-05:00We were on the news!Last month I mentioned that my NILMDTS photographer contacted me about a news show. Well, today was the day that we were live on the air! Any readers here that live in the Charleston, SC area??? You may have already seen it if you were watching My News 2 today!! I was nervous, but not to bad. I kept wondering exactly what the news lady, Tara, was going to ask! I wanted to "plan" how I would answer. haha I'm glad I didn't know and I couldn't plan, that would have been so embarassing! lol When we got there today (I had to take both kids with me) we were takin' to the sitting room. We waited a while-until right before show time. Then we were taken into the studio. It was pretty cool. We got to see where they do the news everyday. It was different than I had imagined it in my mind! D came into the studio with us and I held Miss O for the entire segment. D was so good, he just sat to the side, ate his cookies and watched his 'almost famous' mom on tv!! lol I had to bring the kids with me because the night before my husband got last minute notice that he was going to Haiti. It all turned out great though. Here is a link for the news segment! <br />
<a href="http://www2.counton2.com/cbd/video/detail/bab2bf06-57f7-102d-a6fd-001ec92a4a0d/104886">Our News Segment!!</a><br />
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You can hear Miss O making her lil baby noises the entire time. So cute! Also, throughout the segment they showed some of our NILMDTS pics. Love it! Enjoy!~J's Mommy~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12315782116807878451noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9049126969184599324.post-82793845643375689142010-01-16T23:42:00.000-05:002010-01-16T23:42:37.078-05:00How did this card get there??While I was in the hospital after having J, the nurses put together a little memorial box for me. I guess that is what mommies like me get to bring home instead of a baby. I think I talked about it briefly in a previous blog. I've looked in it before, but not much. Most of the time when I have opened it I just looked at the stuff on top. I guess I never really dug to the bottom. Today, I was sorting through some of his stuff and I went into the box. I took everything out and just looked at it all.. and read some of it too. It's been just over a year now and I finally now just noticed a card in the box from all the nurses. How, for an entire year, could I miss that card? After I left the hospital, I am almost certain that I looked at EVERYTHING in the box. So how did this card get there? I know it had to of been there, but I can't believe that I didn't see it til now. I guess it just goes to show where your mind is when you initially try to sort through stuff! <br />
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Also, while looking at his stuff, I tried to go through all the sympathy cards that were sent to us during that time. I read one, but that was as much as I could read. Reading them is SO HARD! I've tried to read them a few times this past year, but each time I only get through one. They are so emotional. I guess it's one of the things in life that just doesn't get easier at all. Our new normal...~J's Mommy~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12315782116807878451noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9049126969184599324.post-20932512751815801372010-01-13T22:46:00.000-05:002010-01-13T22:46:54.052-05:00"since there was no birth.."It's been a while since I've gotten angry regarding J. Today that changed. We went to speak with the casualty lady on base to have her help us with some paperwork. Throughout our conversation, she told me about 5 times that "there was no birth.." or "since there was no birth.." or something similar. The first time she said it, I thought ok, maybe she meant to say "there was no <strong>live</strong> birth..", but she kept on with her non-sense of "there was no birth"!!!!!!!!!! I can understand if she said there wasn't a live birth, because there wasn't. But really, no birth? Really? Seriously? OK!? I promise you, casualty lady, there was a birth. Even though I had an epidural, it only numbed the contractions.. I felt <strong>every</strong> part of J's <strong>BIRTH</strong>. To be sure I'm not nuts, I had to look up <a href="http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/birth">"birth"</a>. Yep, I'm right. There was indeed a birth. Maybe not a <strong>live</strong> birth, but a birth indeed. <br />
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Sorry, but I wanted to pick up this womans desk and throw it at her. I wanted to say something to her so bad, but I knew we needed her help and I know me.. when I am angry about something, I have a hard time saying things nicely. So, I had to just shut up. As hard for me as that is... <br />
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I don't know why this woman doesn't choose her words more wisely. Ahhhhhhh! Of course her office was the first place we went today, so she set the tone for the rest of our day. Today was such a shitty day and I blame it on her. <br />
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I guess there was alot for me to get out today.. since I blogged twice today. I haven't done that for a while. Hope ya'll had a better day than me!!<br />
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Kisses to J tonight..~J's Mommy~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12315782116807878451noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9049126969184599324.post-42657016989468598712010-01-13T22:30:00.000-05:002010-01-13T22:30:32.264-05:00Group Time!In October, I attended the Walk To Remember. While I was there I was informed of a support group that is held here. I've never been able to attend because my husband works evenings and of course his day off isn't on the meeting days. Since he's on leave for baby O, he had one of the meeting days off. So, this past monday I was able to attend my first meeting. I've never needed a "support group" for anything.. ever. This, of course, is different though. I thought I would be nervous going into it, but I wasn't. Before I got there, I got lost! This building is cleverly hiden and I drove around FOREVER trying to find it. Once I found the parking lot, I couldn't find where I was supposed to go! lol I had to call my husband, have him go into my email and open up the message from the lady that puts it all together and give me her cell phone number. I called her and found where I was supposed to be. I was late, but super determined to find this meeting! I'm glad I did! Once I got in there, there was 1 baby lost couple and then a baby lost mommy. All three people were great. They told me their stories and we just talked. When one of the ladies was telling her story, she was so upset.. and had tears. Listening to someone's story when they cry is so hard. Seeing the raw emotion in her was so sad. Now I know how it was (and still is, sometimes) for other people when I tell them my story. I don't cry often when talking about it, occasionally I do though. I'm not a hugging type person, but I really did just want to reach across the table and hug her. I hope they get their rainbow baby soon.. because they are trying. Everyone say a prayer that they get the precious baby soon. I would love to go to a meeting one day and hear her announce that she is pregnant!!!! <br />
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I hope to be able to attend another one of the meetings soon. Talking about our babies was so healing.. and comforting. It's so nice to talk to real people with the same "new normal" as you. Nobody understands like another baby lost mommy (and daddy). Talking to your friends is nice, but this is just different.~J's Mommy~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12315782116807878451noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9049126969184599324.post-32706356982383822572010-01-08T22:34:00.000-05:002010-01-08T22:34:30.867-05:00Questions and worriesEver since my post about the life insurance thing, I've had quite a few people ask me if I've done it yet. When I tell them no, some will ask why not. My answer, more times than not, is "i don't know". The real answer, and I hope the people that ask these stupid questions are reading.. First of all, it sucks. I don't WANT to file any death claim for my child. I'm going to, but on my own time. When I'm ready. Second of all, to me, it's confusing. I don't know exactly what to do. I don't know who to ask. I just don't know. So, please stop worrying about it, it will get done.. when we are ready. <br />
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Also, lots of people have been asking about the "rainbow baby" thing. Mostly, "what is a rainbow baby?" A Rainbow Baby is a baby born after your loss. After your "storm" you will always recieve a "rainbow". Baby O is our Rainbow. <br />
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Tonight, a friend was contacted to go take pics for another baby lost family. I am so sad about this. I don't know the family at all, but I wish I could reach out to this poor new mommy. In my own little world, I would like to think that I am the only one in the world that has lost their baby. I would like to think it will never happen to anyone else... cuz the pain is just to much. I know how this woman feels all to well. I wonder why this happens so often? I wish it would stop. I wish there was a magic cure. So sad. <br />
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I've talked about the loss of innocense in pregnancy after a loss in a prior blog. I thought once the rainbow baby is born, all those fears and worries leave. I was wrong. I find myself OBSESSING about things that can go wrong. Mostly about SIDS. I don't remember obsessing about this with the other kids. Sure, I thought about it once in a while, but what I do now is just crazy. Most people are glad when bedtime hits.. they get to lay in bed and rest their eyes until baby's next feeding. Not me! I dread bedtime. I would rather stay up all night just to watch her and make sure she's ok. I don't get sleep anymore.. and it doesn't have very much to do with how much baby O wakes up to eat. I am so much more protective over her than I ever have been of any of the other kids. Will this ever stop or get easier? Is this normal after a loss? Anxiety? What in the world?? I can't stand it. Ei ei ei!!! Hopefully it doesn't last long. Because I am sooo tired. I WANT to sleep. It's just hard. <br />
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'Til next time!~J's Mommy~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12315782116807878451noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9049126969184599324.post-67815938456982758322009-12-30T20:10:00.001-05:002010-01-08T21:35:36.816-05:00I now have an Angel Baby & a Rainbow Baby..I couldn't be more happy today. December will forever be the worst, yet best month of my life. On Tuesday, Dec 29 our Rainbow Baby was born. I wish I didn't have a "rainbow" baby, I wish she was just a baby.. but, it is what it is and we are proud. There are so many coincedences between baby O and baby J, it's crazy. Let me name a few; They were both born in December. They were both born on a Tuesday. They were both born in the same room. O was exactly 2 pounds bigger than her brother. They are the same length at birth, exactly. So many little things, J HAD to of had a hand in her birth. I went into the hospital to switch my meds. I wasn't supposed to give birth until Jan 4. However, I was going to ask the doc if she would just induce me also. I asked and long story short, she said "maybe". THEN she looked at the monitor and seen I was contracting.. I was in early labor ON MY OWN. I've NEVER gone into labor on my own. Always induced. I would like to thank J for helping his mommy out! <br />
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Sorry so short and I know it's been a while, but I am EXHAUSTED still...~J's Mommy~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12315782116807878451noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9049126969184599324.post-67682489200941642042009-12-20T22:22:00.000-05:002009-12-20T22:22:11.023-05:00Much deserved recognition!I got an email from the National Stillbirth Society today. It was an amazing email! It said that the Servicemembers Group Life Insurance is now recognizing stillborn babies as dependants and will begin paying the death benefit for them. Before now, they wouldn't do this. This isn't amazing because of the money, even though that money will help out in so many aspects with baby lost families. It's because the babies are getting noticed.. they are being recognized for the babies that they are. I hope many other insurance companies follow their lead. We really deserve this. The babies really deserve this. There are so many insurance companies out there that say "no sorry, baby has to of lived for 24 hours or more.." before they will pay out that life insurance. Well, why? Regardless of how long they lived, they were alive for 9 months in utero, and then the babies that are alive for only moments after birth.. what's the difference between them and the babies that lived 24-48 hours after birth? They were ALL once alive. We listened to their heart EVERY month. That's more alive than anything I've ever known!<br />
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Me and a friend were talking tonight after I told her this. Another point was brought up. When our baby's are born still, we still have to bury or cremate them. We have memorial services. There can be alot of money spent on something we NEVER would IMAGINE that we would need to spend on. Yet, we can't claim the death benefit to help in the cost! I hope many of you have the SGLI and will be using it. <a href="http://www.lifeandhealthinsurancenews.com/News/2009/11/Pages/Servicemember-Life-Plan-To-Cover-Stillborn-Children.aspx#">Here</a> you can read more about it!<br />
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Goodnight!~J's Mommy~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12315782116807878451noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9049126969184599324.post-33070271145885007362009-12-07T13:36:00.000-05:002009-12-07T13:36:29.717-05:00Amazing news.. Perfect timing!Today, after getting home from some appointments that I had, I got an email from our NILMDTS photographer, Mike. I blogged about him and the organization <a href="http://asleepingsumlin.blogspot.com/2009/08/hours-after-birth.html">back in august</a>. The email said that a news station wanted to do a story about NILMDTS.. so basically, he's asking if we would do the story with him, share how it's helped in this healing process and also share some pics of J!! I am SO excited (but a lil nervous) lol!! Any of you that have had to use NILMDTS know how amazingly important those pics are.. and I'm sure you all share in my greatfulness (is that a word?) for them. For so long, I've wanted nothing more than to get the word out there about Stillbirth and NILMDTS and I guess it's here! If we are all truthful, how many of us knew about them before your loss? I didn't. Hopefully lots of people learn something that day on the news.. <br />
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Ahhh that's all. Just wanted to share in my excitement!!!~J's Mommy~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12315782116807878451noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9049126969184599324.post-55998404751569640762009-12-06T14:35:00.000-05:002009-12-06T14:35:56.087-05:001 year+ a couple days!So J's big day came and left. I was so stressed out leading up to the day. I guess the thought of the day, the flooding memories of everything that transcribed that day, one year ago, were much worse than it actually played out to be. We made sure to keep it happy. I did, however, take time to myself.. just to reflect back on the past year. Thinking about all the fabulous things that have happened in our life, since it was turned upside down. I am certain that the first year is the hardest, after that, we can do ANYTHING. I guess I never really realized how strong we were. Strong as individuals and as a family. I'm sure I've stated this about 5 billion times, but my husband really is the best there is. He's my kickstand when I feel like I'm about to fall. And no matter what, he will be there to listen. He will tell me that it will all be ok and somehow, it is. It's always ok. <br />
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This weekend has been a little trying for me. This weekend, a year ago, was J's memorial service. Last year, Dec 6 was on a saturday. Last year on Dec 7 (sunday) while my mom was here, we went downtown and saw the holiday parade. Of course I was no longer pregnant. It was such a beautiful parade, but I couldn't even enjoy it with everything else going on. I wanted to go downtown today for the parade, but with my husband on another "trip", there was NO WAY I was takin the kids by myself! lol Now, the hardest week of my life, one year later, is almost over. I'm so glad I got here, and even more glad to be done with it. <br />
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Oh yeah- last year there were some people that couldn't come down for the memorial, I understood, but alot of those people didn't even call to say sorry.. or just check on us. I still haven't been able to let that go. I'm not sure how. I mean, such a huge time in our life and a few people couldn't even call? Send a card? Something? Anything? Now, I find myself having that same thing happen. Those that didn't call on Dec 2, just to check on us.. or tell us they were thinking about us. A text. An email. A comment on facebook. Anything. I have that animosity again. My family did. My friends did.. most of them. But Dh's family? No, not one. My mom even sent us flowers. They were so pretty.. and still sitting on the coffee table. I hope they never die. lol Yeah, nice wish. Anyway, how do I get over that anger towards those people? Or should I get over it? Am I right or wrong to feel like that? Shouldn't they have some sort of compassion towards their own son/nephew/grandson? Because my husband is a man, do they think it doesn't bother him?~J's Mommy~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12315782116807878451noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9049126969184599324.post-90032128671482679902009-11-28T00:23:00.000-05:002009-11-28T00:23:04.242-05:00A difficult week ahead..It's been such a busy month! I haven't had time to get on here long enough to blog. Now that I have some time, it might be a little long winded. A couple weeks ago I started my twice weekly doc appts and non-stress tests. At my first one, I went into a complete panic mode. Almost a nervous breakdown. You see, the last time that I was in that room (before a couple weeks ago) was because I told the nurse I hadn't felt the baby (Jayce) move that day. That is, of course, when our world just crumbled. After I was hooked up and seen things were fine, I was fine. I knew before that, that the baby was fine because I've felt her move, but going back into that room was hard. Memories.. and not good ones. Since that appointment I have been fine with them. Well, there was one appointment that they didn't locate the heart right away. She had to ask me "which side do they normally find the heart on" after trying for a few seconds to find it. That put me in slight panic mode, but again, I knew baby was ok because I'ld been feeling her move just before my appointment. <br />
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This week, one year ago, was the worst week of my life. Last year we had a great Thanksgiving with friends we consider family and also my MIL and SIL. We did the usual black friday shopping. And then rested the entire weekend away. Then of course came my routine OB visit on Dec 2, a tuesday. You all know the rest of that story. Needless to say, this week is turning into a difficult one for me. Holidays always make you think what "should be". On thanksgiving I should have been feeding an almost 1 year old mashed potatoes and turkey! I should have his birthday party planned out. I should be spending way to much money on his party supplies and gifts. Unfortunately, what "should be", isn't. Thanksgiving used to be my favorite holiday, it still is, but now there is so much grief during this week. It used to be only happiness. I guess this is what us Angel Mommies call the "new normal". <br />
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We put up our Christmas tree tonight. After doing that we pulled out all the decorations, to include stockings. Of course J's stocking was in there. Not only was his stocking in there, but an extra stocking also. You see, about this time last year we went and bought all new stockings for the family. They are really fluffy, pretty ones. I got DH and I red ones. I bought AS a purple one. I got J and DS green and big DS a blue one. I must have had some sort of thought or feeling because at that time, I also bought an extra purple one. One year later, I am pregnant with a girl that will need that stocking. Mommies intuition? I'm not sure. While pregnant with J, we decided he would be our last.. so it was just quite odd that I decided to buy that extra purple one... that we would turn out to need. <br />
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Think of us these next couple days. They are going to be difficult as we try to get through his 1st birth/death day. We miss J more than we can even possibly begin to explain.~J's Mommy~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12315782116807878451noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9049126969184599324.post-56649169704503583032009-11-02T22:21:00.000-05:002009-11-02T22:21:47.652-05:0011 months old already!11 months ago I was very happily pregnant. I was also completely oblivious to what could happen. I think, like most people, I thought that once you pass a certain point in pregnancy, everything is pretty much guaranteed to be fine. Once you are out of that first trimester, the chances of losing your baby are slim to none, right!? I never thought in a million years that I wouldn't get to take my full-term baby home. Being pregnant again, I wish I didn't know that things like that can happen. I wish that my mind-set was still that all babies will be born fine and go home with mommy and daddy. Having lost J, it has completely taken away from the innocence of this pregnancy. Now I know all that can go wrong. Not only from my own experience, but from the many mommies I've met. They all have their own story. Some are very similar to ours.. in not knowing til it was to late. Others learned that their child had a medical condition and wouldn't make it long after birth, but they chose to carry the baby to term, or as long as the baby would stay in. Either way, it's scary. Knowing SO MANY THINGS can happen in the growing process of one tiny baby. It can be problems with brains, hearts, kidneys.. or they can appear to be perfectly healthy, yet still die. I just don't get it. <br />
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I've been doing fairly well this entire pregnancy. I haven't had to many worries. I do alot of hoping and asking people to pray that this one is ok and comes home. Recently, though, I've started worrying. All the what-if's are coming out. I count kicks all day long. I'm almost to the point where I want to set my alarm for every 2 hours at night just to wake baby up and count kicks.. so I can be sure it's ok. In all the reading on stillbirths that I've done, I've found that they usually die at night while you are sleeping. I also know that to be the case with J. So, night times are getting to be a little tricky for me. Obviously its hard to get comfy enough to fall asleep, but now it's trying to also get in the right frame of mind to be able to fall asleep. The good thing is that I have less than 2 months before bringing this baby into the world.. and safely to our home! After that, no more worrying about what could happen during pregnancy. I can't wait!<br />
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J would be 11 months old today. Almost a year old. I should be planning his birthday party, but instead I'm trying to plan what we will do without him. To celebrate his birthday. I've got ideas, but nothing set yet. So, let me go think on that some more while I miss him tonight.. and wish he were laying here with me.~J's Mommy~http://www.blogger.com/profile/12315782116807878451noreply@blogger.com5