3 short years..

Do you remember any event in your life, big or small, from 3+ years ago like it was yesterday? I can't think of anything that I have ever done, gone through, witnessed, etc., my entire life that I have VERY good memory about. That I can still feel the feelings I felt that day. 3 years ago today we welcomed, and said good-bye, to the most precious baby we have ever seen! I recall the days leading up to the delivery like it was yesterday. In fact, I remember everything up to handing him over to the Pastor, very vividly! After that though, it's a blur.

Today DH was supposed to work until about 7pm. So me and the kids started our day off as we normally do. Everything was fine and going pretty smooth. DH happened to get off early, so instead of me bringing the kids to grocery shop with me, I met him at Lowes (we were already on the way) to give him the kids. Once I was alone it all hit me. I had one of my "I can't breathe" moments. I took about 10 minutes and did a big ol' 'pity me' while I was alone. I told DH I should have kept the kids.. when I was with them I didn't have a moment to think! After that my day only got better. I finished Christmas shopping for most the kids and now I will make some molasses cookies. Molasses cookies and Jayce go hand in hand..

The void you feel in your heart after you lose a child is a feeling like no other. I honestly can't even explain it to you, not that you would want to know what something like that is like. Being able to celebrate December 2nd every year with our birthday boy here with us would be something amazing. Something I dream about. What's that thing they say? "If you can dream it, you can achieve it"? To bad that isn't the truth..

Happy Birthday, Baby Boy! We miss you so much!!

Zombies and The Sandman??

I had to run a few errands today, after the last one DS and I decided to make a stop at a local bakery to grab a sweet treat for everyone in the house. On our way over there we passed an older cemetary. DS noticed it and said "mom, there are dead bodies over there". I didn't see the cemetary right away so I was a little confused and asked him to repeat what he said. We talked about when people die they can be buried there if that's what they want. DS asked if they turn into zombies once they are buried. I told him no and we talked about it for a few minutes. After a bit he asked where 'baby brother Jayce' was buried. We talked some more and I explained that he was cremated.. of course I didn't go into detail about how it's done. He asked what that meant though, so I said that his body was turned into ashes.. sorta like sand. He said "so my brother is the sandman??" Kids take everything so literal. I forget that sometimes, well, most the time.

Once we got home DS wanted to see the "sand". So I took him to it and showed him. He thought it was pretty cool. He said things like "that's my baby brother"!! Shortly after that we went out for dinner. On the way there and back be talked about J often. Saying different things like how he missed him. Once AS got home from gymnastics, DS realllllly wanted to show her their brother's sand. So I got it down for him and let him show her. AS was a bit startled. I guess all this time I assumed that she knew he was cremated. She didn't.. she thought he was buried. She thought that after his memorial service when she seen him lying in the casket, they took him to be buried. She was visibly upset, but not crying. She said she didn't ever want to be ashes.  I had to explain to her why we didn't bury him. Our reasoning is: Since we are military, we will move. If we buried him here and got orders somewhere else, we would have to leave him behind. I can't do that. My husband can't do that. We just couldn't. After I explained that, she understood and was OK with it. She felt much better. She was still upset that the sand in front of her was her brother, but that is understandable since she just found out. She's seen this pretty little container on the shelf for the last couple years and she had no idea that there was something in it!

I feel horrible that I didn't explain that to her. However, now that I am talking (typing) this out I think maybe it's better that she's just now finding out. She's 10, she was only 8 when this happened and I don't know if she would have fully understood. Maybe I am just trying to make myself feel better since I failed in the explaining of this.


After all conversations were over tonight DS decided that he wanted his baby brother Jayce to sleep with him tonight. So, we took the pretty little urn up to DS's room and put it on his shelf. He's now sleeping peacefully with his brother over him.. I love my kids.

Butterfly Kisses

I always find myself looking and searching for "signs". Sign's that will let me know J is around us. I often find little things here and there that, to me, signify that he is indeed here. Nothing compares to the latest "I love you, mommy" that I had though. Me and my husband recently went on a cruise to the Bahamas. On one of our days at sea I was talking to DH about how I hadn't seen any bugs out there at all. I asked him why there were none, not that I wanted any flying around us, but it's weird being outside with not one bug! He explained that since we were in the middle of a huge body of water, there really isn't anywhere for the bugs to live or come from. They would have to come a loooong way to find us out there! A few hours later we were on the back of the ship on a deck where kids weren't allowed. It was a place to lay out, have drinks and/or sit in one of two hot tubs. While DH was sitting in the hot tub chatting it up with some people, I was laying in the sun watching the ocean. It was so peaceful! As I often do when I have a moment to think to myself, I was thinking about J and how much he has changed our lives. While thinking of him- a big, pretty butterfly came out of no where and flew right in front of me!!! How is that possible? I mean there was not ONE insect anywhere! That very instant I knew that this was my 'hello'! For me, it was the most gratifying thing that could have ever happened in regards to J. I have no other words to describe it other than, simply amazing.

So, to my baby.. Thank you for that butterfly. Because of you, butterflies now have a new meaning to me. As always, I think of you everyday. My heart aches when I think of how long it's been since I held you.  DS speaks of you, his "baby brother Jayce", often and OS is now pointing to all of your pictures in pure delight squeeling "BABY"! She doesn't know who you are yet, but you are a familiar face to her.

Butterfly kisses to you, baby boy! I love you.

Fundraising in memory of Jayce..

The TEARS foundation is coming to Charleston on July 30 to host "Rock and Walk". They are raising money to help out bereaved parents. We have formed a team- Jayce Sumlin- and will walk and raise money in his honor. Here is the link to our page! I hope all of you can either join our team and walk, or donate.

Thank you!

So fat, so angry!

Ok, so I have been doing Beach Body's workout "Insanity". It's very difficult. It's a 63 day program and the second month is much harder than the first. Today I started the second month. As I was working my ass off, I got SO ANGRY! I realized, I was pregnant 3 years in a row and gained this weight. Not that I am fat by any means. I only weigh 127 pounds. I do, however, have some belly fat that I am trying to get rid of. Anyway, pregnant 3 years in a row and only have 2 freakin' babies here to hug on. How the fuck is that fair? I mean, if you thought it was fair to take my son.. why not take my freakin' belly too? Does this make any sense? I am just reallllllllly mad right now. It would be much easier for me to get through this if I had 3 babies to put to bed each night. Three babies to pick on AS. Three carseats to throw in my big SUV...

Hard day. The end.

Oh and p.s. I know you all won't understand. Most will be like "is she freakin' serious, she's 5'6" and only 127.. wtf is wrong with her.." But whatever.. I don't expect many to understand anything anyway.

Vote!

Hey there! As I'm sure all of you have read by now, after J was born we had Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep come in and take pictures. Basically what that is, is a photographer who has a HUGE heart, and comes to do a photo session of your baby that has either already passed (stillborn) or will pass after birth. It's volunteer work, they are not paid to do this and you don't pay for the session. They give you a CD with all of the pics along with the rights to print them as you wish. I'm grateful for these people for many reasons. A couple of them are here: My husband and I were definately NOT in the right mind set to even think of taking pictures. Sure we snapped a few here and there, but nothing amazing. Another thing, even if we were thinking of pictures and such, our camera died after the few pics we were able to get ourselves. So, not only did our NILMDTS photographer capture some beautiful pics and edit them up for us, he captured a life time of memories, when there were only hours to squeeze them in. Grateful doesn't even describe it.

That being said, there is a contest. The can win some money to help them out if you just go vote! http://www.kwiksurveys.com/online-survey.php?surveyID=IJNEKM_9dac7129 I'm not sure how long voting is going to last, but if you do it and have your friends do it, they are sure to win!

Also, thanks to my friends and family on facebook who put this link up for me. It always amazes me that the ones you think will help out a organization close to my heart, aren't the ones that do. It's the people that you don't think will, that do. So, again, thank you!

Two Years Old.. just a few days late.

On Wednesday, December 1st, I made a very last minute decision to drive to Orlando to see my sister who was there for a work conference. I took the 2 little kids with me. My husband and the oldest girl had to stay home due to work and gymnastics obligations. It was a nice trip.. and I enjoyed seeing my sister who I only get to see about once a year or less. The majority of my ride there, I was thinking about the next day.. December 2. Which of course is J's birth/angel day. I was hoping it would be a good day. Especially since I would be spending it without my husband. It's such a tough day.. A day you really need your spouse! The day came, and it was great. I started out shopping with the kids while my sister was at her conference and ended it shopping.. then eating pizza at the (super nice) hotel that we were in on Disney property. My mom and (other) sister let us know that they were thinking about us and that is always nice.

Once night time hit and my sister and the kids were asleep, things changed a little bit. I couldn't sleep. The wheels in my head kept turning and turning and turning. Two years ago, that night, I was laying in my hospital bed, crying.. holding and trying to sleep with our dead son.. also trying to keep him warm. That was the sort of thoughts I was having. Just reliving it all.. Not that I want to relive it, but it's such a huge day, it's hard not to. Somedays, like that night, when I think about this I wish I would wake up. Wake up and realize that this is just a 2 year nightmare I've been having. Anyone care to pinch me??