October 15th, 2009

Sometimes I forget what I have already said in my blog. I don't go over it very often. I just sit here and type away, so if things get repeated or some things are very random and not making sense, sorry! Tomorrow is October 15th. To most that is just another day in October. To us, however, it is a day with meaning. It is a day dedicated to our son whom was taken away from us waaaaay to soon. We will, of course, celebrate his birthday amongst our family, but october 15th is a day that is nationally dedicated to him.. and all the other babies that were obviously much, much to beautiful to be on this earth for long. October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. The 15th is the specific day for it. All month long, all around the country, there have been different walks set up for the babies. I hope that all my friends and family have participate or will participate in an upcoming walk this month. I don't know how all the other "walks" are being set up, but I know the one here in Charleston will be great. After the walk, I believe it's a short walk, there is a small ceremony where they release birds over the lake.. and just remember. I am SO excited to be going. I can't wait to remember Jayce with some friends and some complete strangers.

For the friends that are attending this with us, it means alot. Even if I don't know how to show you that, it really does. And we love you for coming!

So tomorrow, thursday october 15 at 7pm don't forget to light your candles. I know it seems like something so small, something so simple. But it really is a big deal for us. Just knowing that you support us and what we have been through, means the world.

What might have been

When I was pregnant I was so excited to be bringing another baby home soon. We were so happy and just so ready for our family to be complete so we could move on to that next chapter, whatever that was. We both wanted him to be a boy so badly. I think because I wanted our other son, DS, to have a playmate close to his age. I wanted to watch them play and grow together. I wanted them to have that bond that only two brothers can have. We definately got the boy we wanted, but that was where our wishes and dreams with him ended. We can't wish for him to be like his daddy. We can't wish for him to be a big strong football player. We can only think of "what might have been." I do still think and wonder "what might have been" with him.. and I do it often. Sometimes it makes me laugh. I can just imagine him and DS going crazy together. Gosh, I wish I could see it in more than just my imagination..

Shortly after we had him, I had this over-whelming need for another child. I thought about getting pregnant everyday. My husband and I decided to just let whatever will happen, happen. Meaning, we weren't going to try prevent pregnancy, but we weren't going to try get pregnant.. if that makes sense? Trying is just stressful and we all know I didn't need anymore of that. We also decided that if I wasn't pregnant by April 2009 that he would go get the big "V". April is a big month for us, I guess that is why I chose April. DS was born in april and J was conceived in april.. Well, April came and went and guess what happened? I got pregnant again! Another December baby is on the way!

There is only about a 2 week difference in Jayce's due date and this baby's due date. So this whole pregnancy has been like deja vu to me. With Jayce, my husband was deployed the whole summer. This time, he was deployed again. With Jayce, we moved into a bigger house. This time, we moved into ANOTHER bigger house! Just so many similarities. I remember going places last year while I was pregnant.. like certain holiday or seasonal festivities, and now I'm going to those again.. pregnant! This month we are going to the pumpkin patch. We went last year too. I was all huge and pregnant with Jayce, but I still had so much fun.. going down the big ol' blow-up slide things with DS! Getting up and off that slide wasn't as much fun!




All these "deja vu" moments are great. I really enjoy them. I like thinking back and remembering all the fun we had while pregnant with Jayce. Little things that I may (or may not) otherwise remember if I weren't pregnant now. In doing all these fun things again this year, though, I wish Jayce was joining us. I wish he would be in our Fall pictures this year. I wish we could all paint the pumpkins we choose from the pumpkin patch together. This year he will just have to watch over us while we do it. We will paint a special pumpkin just for Jayce.

10 months-already??

It's been 10 months since I was last able to hold our son. Can you imagine having a baby that is 10 months old (or would be 10 months old) and only holding him for less than 24 hours? Going 10 months without a single kiss or hug from him? Seems unimaginable. We've done just that, though. I think it is amazing how many women you meet that also share this "story" with you. People that you have never and would never otherwise meet. People that share your feelings. Your pain. People that have also had to force a smile on to their face when it seemed ooohhhh soooooo wrong! I'm so thankful to have met them.

We have grown so much since December 2008. On the internet, shortly after J died, I read that the majority of couples who lose a baby will divorce. We were so determined that we wouldn't have anymore heartache in our lives and wouldn't let it break us apart. A divorce certainly would have been more heartache-for both of us. We are certain that our son wouldn't want that anyway. Now we are in such a different place. A place within our marriage that I am so glad we found. It is truely amazing, not that it wasn't amazing before, but now it is just a different kind of amazing. During this "journey" of ours, many of the women I have met have divorced, seperated or their relationship just took a turn for the worse. I wish that things would change for all of them. I guess maybe it is the way people deal with their own grief that has a toll on their marriage.

This october is the first october for us to have so much meaning. October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Specifically October 15. At 7pm that day, your local time, we are asking that everyone light a candle. Light a candle for your baby that you have lost. If you are fortunate enough to have all of your babies living, light a candle for our son, Jayce-and his many friends he's made up there. If you can, find a walk.. a rememberance walk. We are taking part in a walk here on October 18th. If anyone wants to join us, we would love to have you. It will be a walk with a small ceremony where they will release birds over the lake. It will be beautiful. I can't wait! I am really excited about this.

Well, it is sooooooooo bedtime here.

~Missing our Baby~

They had his WHAT in their hands??

Have you ever read an autopsy report? Or even seen one? The day we got ours was quite mortifying for me. It was another one of those things that you think you are ready for, but really you aren't ready at all. I went through the whole thing, page by page. It took me hours. I would read a little and take a break. Then read some more. Then after I finished it, I read it again. All the while I'm over thinking every, single part of it. In the report, it tells you how much his brain weighed. To me, that meant that they held my son's brain in their hands. It was one of those OMFG moments for me. Who wants to think about that? I want to think of all his parts inside him, in the correct spots. I mean, I know they have to do all this in the autopsy, but I guess I didn't realize it til I was reading it.

We didn't get any answers from the autopsy. Well, nothing besides he was healthy. Everything about him was 'right'. Which, quite honestly drives me fucking nuts. If he's so healthy and everything was so right, why isn't he here? Why isn't he waking me in the middle of the night and making me extremely sleep deprived. I know his brother does a darn good job of it, but they could double team me and make it even worse. That's what I wanted.

You know, they say that this "just happens" sometimes. And there are no answers. You know what else "just happens" though? Cancer. How many foundations are out there trying to find a cure or prevent cancer? Compare that to how many foundations are out there trying to find prevention for stillbirth? It doesn't even compare. What about child molestation or kidnapping? That "just happens" too. Yet, that isn't so 'hush' like Stillbirth is.

A Pair Of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Eachday i wear them, and each day i wish i had another pair. Somedays my shoes hurt so bad that i do not think i can take another step. Yet, i continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize i am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they dont hurt quite as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes.Yet, because of these shoes i am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who i am. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

He's the frame, I'm the picture..

Dh and I had to decide what to do with Jayce. Did we want to bury him? Cremate him? Hard choice for some, but for us, it was rather easy. Being in the military of course we move alot. We aren't "home". Right now I don't even think we know where "home" is. So burying him was pretty much out of the question. I wouldn't want to bury him here, knowing we would eventually leave. We have nothing here in this state, so we don't ever care to come back once we are gone. With that in mind, we chose to cremate our son.

After his memorial, of course they take the body to be cremated. Then we wait for the phone call telling us to come and pick him up. I was so anxious and ready to get that call... or so I thought. Once the call from the funeral home came and told us we could come anytime.. he was ready to be picked up, I was still so ready to get him. I went alone. I don't really remember why I went alone. I'm sure I just wanted to go for a drive or something, because during those days I loved just going for a ride and listening to J's CD.. the CD played at his memorial. Driving and crying was good medicine for me.. yes, the sunglasses were always on! :o) Anyway, once I got to the funeral home I went in there all brave and feeling good. Then I got to the desk and told the nice old lady what I was there for. She went to get someone to help me and they couldn't find my son!!! So I had to sit and wait.. While waiting I had this overwhelming feeling of anxiety come over me. I instantly went into panic mode and OMG I was all alone. Finally the director came to get me. He had this tiny white box in his hands along with J's gown and a couple other things for me. We talked for a few moments and then I left. When I got into our car I opened the box and instantly broke down. I thought I was ready for that day. I wasn't. In the box was a little baggy with ashes and a coin. I wasn't ready. I wanted that box and that baggy to turn back into a baby. How could this be me? How could this be my life? How can I be the one that loses her son, when there are so many ghetto, trailer trash hoes that have babies that shouldn't. And we know damn well they shouldn't. So really, why me? Why us?

I got home and I was so upset. My husband was home when i got there. I am so thankful for him. I know that this time was hard for both of us, but he was so strong. He was absolutely everything that I needed during these times and I love him so much more for how he handled everything. I am positive that I wouldn't be where I am in this grieving process if it wasn't for him. Honestly, I think I would still be majorly medicated.. just lying in bed. Pretty much good for nothing.

My husband has always said that he is the frame and I'm the picture. He'll always be there to hold me up. And boy did he prove that to me these past 9 months! I love him so much.

9 months later..

9 months later and I still remember everything as if it were yesterday. 9 months later and I miss him more than ever. 9 months later and I still, every night, think about the morning of December 2nd. I remember every feeling I had.



You know when your baby is cold you cover them up more and maybe put a hat on them. Put socks on if they don't already have them..? After I had Jayce, he was cold. Without thinking about it, I tried to make him warm. I bundled him up a little tighter. I made sure his socks were still on. I put a blanket over us, as he was laying on me. He never got warmer though. It wasn't until a few weeks later that I remembered that I did that. Of course by this time I knew why he wasn't getting warmer, but in the hospital it didn't click. After your baby dies your whole thought process is screwed up. You do things without realizing. You say things you may not otherwise say. At least for me, this was how it was.



2 months after his birth, I got a tattoo for him.. and me.

That is Jayce's footprints. I put them on my foot. For me, it means he is ALWAYS walking next to/with me. Whenever I look down, I see him. People ask me about this tattoo all the time. The normal first question that they will ask is "is that a real tattoo?" Sometimes I wanna say "no, I dip my baby's feet in ink everyday and stamp them onto me". lol But of course I just tell them it is real. Then they usually think it's my 2 year olds feet, to which I correct them and tell them it's his baby brother's feet! From there the conversation usually goes one of two ways. They either tell me how much they love it or they ask questions about "baby brother". I LOVE when they ask questions! As I may have said in an earlier blog, I love when people ask about him. I completely love talking about him. And I LOVE my tattoo!

When you walk in my house there is a frame that has 6 pictures of Jayce in it. This is my way of him saying goodbye to me everytime I leave the house and greeting me when I come back home. I guess to some, it may sound strange, but to those same people you've never dealt with this.. Of course I have the pic on my nightstand also. As my friend, SS said, I just wish I could add pics to the ones I have. You know, like the 3 months, 6 month and 1 year photos you get taken of your kids?

The 2nd of every month seems to usually be a bit more difficult for me than other days. However, this one is going by very smooth. I am very much at ease on this day. Of course I miss my baby more than ever. I am certain that he joined us at the park today though. What I wouldn't give for him to be PHYSICALLY there though.. so I could see and touch him.