Walking to Remember.. and coincidences!

So a couple months ago I ordered pizza. I ordered from a place we've only had once, prior to this time. When the pizza man got here, he immediately commented on my tattoo. He was surprised and thought it was so cool. He then told me that his girlfriend has footprints on her back.. for her brother who was born still. I told him that my feet were our sons, who was also born still. He paused for a minute after our brief exchange of words, money and pizza and said that he wished his girlfriend was able to talk about her brother without crying, like I can. He said I seemed to be in such a better place than she is, and he admires that.

Later that same night, I was chatting with one of my bff's, AG. She got on me about not blogging lately. Then, before bed that night, I went into the garage to get a coke out of the fridge and there was a big, beautiful feather! For those who may not know, feathers are your baby's way of saying "hi mom, i'm here.."! So, for me, that day was FULL of J! He was all over me that day and it completely made my week a great one. I love days like those. Just recently I had to go pick AS up from gymnastics. My husband was going to a movie with his friend, so I would be coming home to an empty house. When I got home, another big, pretty feather INSIDE my house! Times like those make me say "YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!" to myself! I love it.

More recently, we attended our second annual 'Walk to Remember'. A few of our friends were able to go with us to support us and remember J. The walk was great. A perfect day for a walk. A big thank you to our friends that were there!

With halloween creeping up on us again, I can't help but to think about what J would have been this year. With his brother being spiderman AGAIN this year (his choice, not mine), I think I would have had J dressed up as venom! lol How cute would they be together!?

From here on out, our year is going to be crazy. Crazier than it's already been! I hope all my followers have been well and I'm so happy for those of you that have either had your rainbow babies, or those coming soon! Like I've said before, those rainbow babies sure are amazing!

<3

one of those days..

Today is just "one of those days". I'm not sure why, as I haven't had a day like this in quite some time. Maybe it's the quiteness in the house? Maybe it's the wine I've had tonight? Or maybe if we mix those two things up, add in a little time to think and reflect, you come out with a day, or should I say NIGHT, like this.

The day J was born, I bought a baby bjorn from some lady on craigslist. I met her in the parking lot of bi-lo right before I went in for my appointment. I thought I got rid of it, but apparently my husband found it about a week ago. Along with MORE clothes!!!!! Where did the clothes come from! I swear to you all, I've thought that I got rid of all the boy clothes.. a few seperate times. There are MORE! lol I want to use the bjorn, but for some reason, I'm scared to use it! It's like I think it's cursed or something. I know this is crazy, trust me, I know. As soon as DH gets home I am going to have him take it out of where ever he found it so I can use it. I WILL use it.

I put some pictures up on facebook today.. of J. This is the first time I have done this. I've always felt like they are MY pics... and I don't wanna share them. Today though, I just want everyone looking at him. I want everyone to see how super gorgeous he is. Now while I look at pics, him and O look a lot alike. They have the same crazy cawlick that drives me CRAZZZZZZZZZZZZZY!

I see I have new followers. I wonder how ya'll found me?? I assume most have had their own loss.. I want to hear your story. I love meeting new people like me. I hate WHY we meet, but I love the understanding...

So much, but so little!

I haven't abandoned this blog or all my readers! I feel like I say this in every blog lately, but I'm SO BUSY! I don't have time for anything! Anyway, I found more of J's clothes. Crazy! Good thing about this, I now have 2 sisters that are having babies. One is for sure having a boy, the other doesn't know the sex yet. I sent the clothes up to the younger of the two sisters. So soon I will be seeing one (or two) of my NEW nephews in J's clothes! I can't wait.

Lately I compare pics of J with pics of O. They look EXACTLY the same. I thought D and J looked alike, but the comparison with J and O is just unreal. They both have the same cawlick. The same eyes, nose, EVERYTHING. It's almost scary! I love it though. They could be twins! lol

Hope everyone is doing well and all my fellow baby lost mom's are healing and doing well! Do any of the other mama's have any rainbow babies on the way?? I know a couple of my friends do and it's SO amazing! I can't wait for them to be born. One of my friends is pregnant with TWINS! 2 lil' rainbow babies!!!

On my way to dream the best dreams of J...

I love this..

Dear Mommy & Daddy,

I see you each time you shed a tear,

I catch it and kiss you, I hope that you know that I'm near.
This place is so beautiful, There's so much to see!
I know that someday you'll be here with me.
The angels were singing when I arrived!
Jesus was there with His arms open wide!
The snow and the rain are just my confetti.
I know you'll be coming and I want to be ready.
When you feel the wind, it's me walking by.
I can run and skip now, I can even fly!
When the blossoms and leaves fall into your hair,
It's me planting kisses, yes, I put them there!
The birds are singing to keep you company,
They're especially for you with love from me.
I know that you miss me and feel so alone,
Until the great day when you finally come home
Please remember as the seasons change from one to another,
I'll always love you. You're my friend and my mother.

15 months

Today marks 15 months since our son grew wings and flew off to heaven! Can you believe it? I sure can't! I often wonder what life would be like right now if he were here. I would have a newborn, 1 year old and 2 year old all running round, screaming, playing, fighting, crying!!! Oh and can you imagine the diapers??? YIKES!! Three kids under 2 years old? That instantly equals an insane mommy! A title I wouldn't mind having! lol

So much has happened in the 15 months since J got his pretty little wings. It's amazing. We were ripped apart by his death, but we were blessed with so much also. I'm sure I've said this is a prior blog, but I think this sort of loss will either make or break your marriage. I'm so glad that ours was strengthened so much. We agreed that we were in it for good times and bad.. we definately stuck to our word. I love my husband and our children so much!

I am very happy with the way I have dealt with losing our son. I am happy that I don't have "those days" to often. I am happy that I can be happy on a daily basis, but still miss J. I love being able to think of him each day without a complete breakdown. I know quite a few babylost women who breakdown often and it's so sad. I wish their heart would heal easier. And yes, I do think of him everyday. I talk about him nearly everyday. I see his pictures hanging on the wall all day. And I miss him each and every second of each and everyday. I guess I just found a great way to handle such huge loss.

After Christmas I went through all of our baby stuff. I decided it was time to donate all of our baby boy stuff. There were a few things of J's that I kept, but 98% of it was donated. I won't be able to use it, may as well let somebody else.. Like I said, I kept a few of the things that were J's. You always keep a few items from each child, right!? :o) Well a couple weeks ago I was cleaning out our master closet and I seen a big blue bin. I had no idea what was in it. Upon opening it, more baby boy stuff! In this blue bin was all the REALLY CUTE, newborn baby boy stuff (and a couple of big boy outfits). I died going through it. It was all of my favorite stuff from DS that we saved for J. All the stuff that I couldn't wait to see him in! I went through this bin-piece by piece. Just looking at it all. Imagining our super cute baby boy in them. Each piece. It was heartbreaking for me. Again. Another heartbreak. Another one of those days, which for me come few and far between (thankfully), that I just wanna scream WHY US, why our son!?!?!? After I finished looking at each piece, I knew I had to also donate those clothes. I can't use them, so someone less fortunate should be able to, right? It seems fair. I did take out the 3 big boy outfits in there. I'm going to let lil miss O wear them when she's big enough. They aren't TOTALLY boyish.. one is like a sweatsuit type thing (i think thats what you call it). It's light blue and I think it'll be cute on her once she can fit it. It'll be a long while. I think it's size 18 months. I will be sure to post a pic when she fits it though.

Missing J extra tonight...

My doctor is amazing

I feel like January and February just slipped right by! With so much going on around here I haven't had time for anything! I am coming up on 15 months since J left us and just past that 7 week mark that O joined us. I had my 6 week post-partum check up yesterday. I requested that my appt be with Dr.M. I love her. She's my favorite doc at the practice. She wasn't the doc who delivered J, but she was the doc who admitted me the day I went in to deliver him and she was a huge part of my pregnancy with O-also her delivering doctor. While I was pregnant, I seen her quite a bit (versus the other docs there). We always talked.. she would ask questions and I would answer. And I kid you not, EVERYTIME I seen her, we both got tears. I'm not sure why that happens with her? I normally don't get like that. Maybe it's because she asks questions that no one else asks? Or maybe I feel safe with her.. like I can cry and it's ok? She knows the pain I went through. Not through personal experience (that I know of), but just by seeing me and growing with me through it all. She's a doctor with a heart and I love that about her. She seems to care alot and put more than her "MD" into her appointment.

DH and I are done having children. We are both excited to be done and move on into new chapters. With that being said, I am so sad that I won't be going to the doctors office on a twice weekly basis anymore. I've had such a huge relationship with them since 2006. They were apart of the happiest days of my life as well as the saddest days of my life. Now it's like BOOM they are not gonna be a part of my life at all really! I'm having seperation anxiety or something. How crazy is that? I wonder if other baby loss mommies go through this? Maybe I need to try get a job there or something. Shoot, I think I've been around that place more than some of the employees.. lol

Life is calling me back to reality now. I will be back to blog more... and it won't take so long to get back and do it this time!!

Go and vote for "Stillbirth-Stop The Madness"!!!!

If you guys could vote for the "Stillbirth- Stop the maddness" I would greatly appreciate it! Go to the link and on the side click on womens health, then 'stillbirth stop the madness'.


VOTE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(copied from another site)

Dear Stillbirth Mommies & Friends,

We have just submitted the suggestion of Stillbirth Research & Education for a segment on the NBC program The Doctor’s.

Now we need your help!

The most popular segments are selected for production – please go to the website below and vote for this suggestion. Ask your friends to vote frequently and get the word out. This would be a tremendous opportunity to gain the awareness that we need. PLEASE put the voting information on your respective websites. Copy this message and send to everyone in your address books.


 VOTE HERE!!!

look for the following submission. It is categorized under Women’s Health.


Stillbirth – Stop the Madness!

THANK YOU!!!