Butterfly Kisses

I always find myself looking and searching for "signs". Sign's that will let me know J is around us. I often find little things here and there that, to me, signify that he is indeed here. Nothing compares to the latest "I love you, mommy" that I had though. Me and my husband recently went on a cruise to the Bahamas. On one of our days at sea I was talking to DH about how I hadn't seen any bugs out there at all. I asked him why there were none, not that I wanted any flying around us, but it's weird being outside with not one bug! He explained that since we were in the middle of a huge body of water, there really isn't anywhere for the bugs to live or come from. They would have to come a loooong way to find us out there! A few hours later we were on the back of the ship on a deck where kids weren't allowed. It was a place to lay out, have drinks and/or sit in one of two hot tubs. While DH was sitting in the hot tub chatting it up with some people, I was laying in the sun watching the ocean. It was so peaceful! As I often do when I have a moment to think to myself, I was thinking about J and how much he has changed our lives. While thinking of him- a big, pretty butterfly came out of no where and flew right in front of me!!! How is that possible? I mean there was not ONE insect anywhere! That very instant I knew that this was my 'hello'! For me, it was the most gratifying thing that could have ever happened in regards to J. I have no other words to describe it other than, simply amazing.

So, to my baby.. Thank you for that butterfly. Because of you, butterflies now have a new meaning to me. As always, I think of you everyday. My heart aches when I think of how long it's been since I held you.  DS speaks of you, his "baby brother Jayce", often and OS is now pointing to all of your pictures in pure delight squeeling "BABY"! She doesn't know who you are yet, but you are a familiar face to her.

Butterfly kisses to you, baby boy! I love you.

Fundraising in memory of Jayce..

The TEARS foundation is coming to Charleston on July 30 to host "Rock and Walk". They are raising money to help out bereaved parents. We have formed a team- Jayce Sumlin- and will walk and raise money in his honor. Here is the link to our page! I hope all of you can either join our team and walk, or donate.

Thank you!

So fat, so angry!

Ok, so I have been doing Beach Body's workout "Insanity". It's very difficult. It's a 63 day program and the second month is much harder than the first. Today I started the second month. As I was working my ass off, I got SO ANGRY! I realized, I was pregnant 3 years in a row and gained this weight. Not that I am fat by any means. I only weigh 127 pounds. I do, however, have some belly fat that I am trying to get rid of. Anyway, pregnant 3 years in a row and only have 2 freakin' babies here to hug on. How the fuck is that fair? I mean, if you thought it was fair to take my son.. why not take my freakin' belly too? Does this make any sense? I am just reallllllllly mad right now. It would be much easier for me to get through this if I had 3 babies to put to bed each night. Three babies to pick on AS. Three carseats to throw in my big SUV...

Hard day. The end.

Oh and p.s. I know you all won't understand. Most will be like "is she freakin' serious, she's 5'6" and only 127.. wtf is wrong with her.." But whatever.. I don't expect many to understand anything anyway.

Vote!

Hey there! As I'm sure all of you have read by now, after J was born we had Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep come in and take pictures. Basically what that is, is a photographer who has a HUGE heart, and comes to do a photo session of your baby that has either already passed (stillborn) or will pass after birth. It's volunteer work, they are not paid to do this and you don't pay for the session. They give you a CD with all of the pics along with the rights to print them as you wish. I'm grateful for these people for many reasons. A couple of them are here: My husband and I were definately NOT in the right mind set to even think of taking pictures. Sure we snapped a few here and there, but nothing amazing. Another thing, even if we were thinking of pictures and such, our camera died after the few pics we were able to get ourselves. So, not only did our NILMDTS photographer capture some beautiful pics and edit them up for us, he captured a life time of memories, when there were only hours to squeeze them in. Grateful doesn't even describe it.

That being said, there is a contest. The can win some money to help them out if you just go vote! http://www.kwiksurveys.com/online-survey.php?surveyID=IJNEKM_9dac7129 I'm not sure how long voting is going to last, but if you do it and have your friends do it, they are sure to win!

Also, thanks to my friends and family on facebook who put this link up for me. It always amazes me that the ones you think will help out a organization close to my heart, aren't the ones that do. It's the people that you don't think will, that do. So, again, thank you!

Two Years Old.. just a few days late.

On Wednesday, December 1st, I made a very last minute decision to drive to Orlando to see my sister who was there for a work conference. I took the 2 little kids with me. My husband and the oldest girl had to stay home due to work and gymnastics obligations. It was a nice trip.. and I enjoyed seeing my sister who I only get to see about once a year or less. The majority of my ride there, I was thinking about the next day.. December 2. Which of course is J's birth/angel day. I was hoping it would be a good day. Especially since I would be spending it without my husband. It's such a tough day.. A day you really need your spouse! The day came, and it was great. I started out shopping with the kids while my sister was at her conference and ended it shopping.. then eating pizza at the (super nice) hotel that we were in on Disney property. My mom and (other) sister let us know that they were thinking about us and that is always nice.

Once night time hit and my sister and the kids were asleep, things changed a little bit. I couldn't sleep. The wheels in my head kept turning and turning and turning. Two years ago, that night, I was laying in my hospital bed, crying.. holding and trying to sleep with our dead son.. also trying to keep him warm. That was the sort of thoughts I was having. Just reliving it all.. Not that I want to relive it, but it's such a huge day, it's hard not to. Somedays, like that night, when I think about this I wish I would wake up. Wake up and realize that this is just a 2 year nightmare I've been having. Anyone care to pinch me??

Walking to Remember.. and coincidences!

So a couple months ago I ordered pizza. I ordered from a place we've only had once, prior to this time. When the pizza man got here, he immediately commented on my tattoo. He was surprised and thought it was so cool. He then told me that his girlfriend has footprints on her back.. for her brother who was born still. I told him that my feet were our sons, who was also born still. He paused for a minute after our brief exchange of words, money and pizza and said that he wished his girlfriend was able to talk about her brother without crying, like I can. He said I seemed to be in such a better place than she is, and he admires that.

Later that same night, I was chatting with one of my bff's, AG. She got on me about not blogging lately. Then, before bed that night, I went into the garage to get a coke out of the fridge and there was a big, beautiful feather! For those who may not know, feathers are your baby's way of saying "hi mom, i'm here.."! So, for me, that day was FULL of J! He was all over me that day and it completely made my week a great one. I love days like those. Just recently I had to go pick AS up from gymnastics. My husband was going to a movie with his friend, so I would be coming home to an empty house. When I got home, another big, pretty feather INSIDE my house! Times like those make me say "YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!" to myself! I love it.

More recently, we attended our second annual 'Walk to Remember'. A few of our friends were able to go with us to support us and remember J. The walk was great. A perfect day for a walk. A big thank you to our friends that were there!

With halloween creeping up on us again, I can't help but to think about what J would have been this year. With his brother being spiderman AGAIN this year (his choice, not mine), I think I would have had J dressed up as venom! lol How cute would they be together!?

From here on out, our year is going to be crazy. Crazier than it's already been! I hope all my followers have been well and I'm so happy for those of you that have either had your rainbow babies, or those coming soon! Like I've said before, those rainbow babies sure are amazing!

<3

one of those days..

Today is just "one of those days". I'm not sure why, as I haven't had a day like this in quite some time. Maybe it's the quiteness in the house? Maybe it's the wine I've had tonight? Or maybe if we mix those two things up, add in a little time to think and reflect, you come out with a day, or should I say NIGHT, like this.

The day J was born, I bought a baby bjorn from some lady on craigslist. I met her in the parking lot of bi-lo right before I went in for my appointment. I thought I got rid of it, but apparently my husband found it about a week ago. Along with MORE clothes!!!!! Where did the clothes come from! I swear to you all, I've thought that I got rid of all the boy clothes.. a few seperate times. There are MORE! lol I want to use the bjorn, but for some reason, I'm scared to use it! It's like I think it's cursed or something. I know this is crazy, trust me, I know. As soon as DH gets home I am going to have him take it out of where ever he found it so I can use it. I WILL use it.

I put some pictures up on facebook today.. of J. This is the first time I have done this. I've always felt like they are MY pics... and I don't wanna share them. Today though, I just want everyone looking at him. I want everyone to see how super gorgeous he is. Now while I look at pics, him and O look a lot alike. They have the same crazy cawlick that drives me CRAZZZZZZZZZZZZZY!

I see I have new followers. I wonder how ya'll found me?? I assume most have had their own loss.. I want to hear your story. I love meeting new people like me. I hate WHY we meet, but I love the understanding...