Sunday, September 13, 2009
We didn't get any answers from the autopsy. Well, nothing besides he was healthy. Everything about him was 'right'. Which, quite honestly drives me fucking nuts. If he's so healthy and everything was so right, why isn't he here? Why isn't he waking me in the middle of the night and making me extremely sleep deprived. I know his brother does a darn good job of it, but they could double team me and make it even worse. That's what I wanted.
You know, they say that this "just happens" sometimes. And there are no answers. You know what else "just happens" though? Cancer. How many foundations are out there trying to find a cure or prevent cancer? Compare that to how many foundations are out there trying to find prevention for stillbirth? It doesn't even compare. What about child molestation or kidnapping? That "just happens" too. Yet, that isn't so 'hush' like Stillbirth is.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Saturday, September 5, 2009
After his memorial, of course they take the body to be cremated. Then we wait for the phone call telling us to come and pick him up. I was so anxious and ready to get that call... or so I thought. Once the call from the funeral home came and told us we could come anytime.. he was ready to be picked up, I was still so ready to get him. I went alone. I don't really remember why I went alone. I'm sure I just wanted to go for a drive or something, because during those days I loved just going for a ride and listening to J's CD.. the CD played at his memorial. Driving and crying was good medicine for me.. yes, the sunglasses were always on! :o) Anyway, once I got to the funeral home I went in there all brave and feeling good. Then I got to the desk and told the nice old lady what I was there for. She went to get someone to help me and they couldn't find my son!!! So I had to sit and wait.. While waiting I had this overwhelming feeling of anxiety come over me. I instantly went into panic mode and OMG I was all alone. Finally the director came to get me. He had this tiny white box in his hands along with J's gown and a couple other things for me. We talked for a few moments and then I left. When I got into our car I opened the box and instantly broke down. I thought I was ready for that day. I wasn't. In the box was a little baggy with ashes and a coin. I wasn't ready. I wanted that box and that baggy to turn back into a baby. How could this be me? How could this be my life? How can I be the one that loses her son, when there are so many ghetto, trailer trash hoes that have babies that shouldn't. And we know damn well they shouldn't. So really, why me? Why us?
I got home and I was so upset. My husband was home when i got there. I am so thankful for him. I know that this time was hard for both of us, but he was so strong. He was absolutely everything that I needed during these times and I love him so much more for how he handled everything. I am positive that I wouldn't be where I am in this grieving process if it wasn't for him. Honestly, I think I would still be majorly medicated.. just lying in bed. Pretty much good for nothing.
My husband has always said that he is the frame and I'm the picture. He'll always be there to hold me up. And boy did he prove that to me these past 9 months! I love him so much.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
You know when your baby is cold you cover them up more and maybe put a hat on them. Put socks on if they don't already have them..? After I had Jayce, he was cold. Without thinking about it, I tried to make him warm. I bundled him up a little tighter. I made sure his socks were still on. I put a blanket over us, as he was laying on me. He never got warmer though. It wasn't until a few weeks later that I remembered that I did that. Of course by this time I knew why he wasn't getting warmer, but in the hospital it didn't click. After your baby dies your whole thought process is screwed up. You do things without realizing. You say things you may not otherwise say. At least for me, this was how it was.
2 months after his birth, I got a tattoo for him.. and me.
That is Jayce's footprints. I put them on my foot. For me, it means he is ALWAYS walking next to/with me. Whenever I look down, I see him. People ask me about this tattoo all the time. The normal first question that they will ask is "is that a real tattoo?" Sometimes I wanna say "no, I dip my baby's feet in ink everyday and stamp them onto me". lol But of course I just tell them it is real. Then they usually think it's my 2 year olds feet, to which I correct them and tell them it's his baby brother's feet! From there the conversation usually goes one of two ways. They either tell me how much they love it or they ask questions about "baby brother". I LOVE when they ask questions! As I may have said in an earlier blog, I love when people ask about him. I completely love talking about him. And I LOVE my tattoo!
When you walk in my house there is a frame that has 6 pictures of Jayce in it. This is my way of him saying goodbye to me everytime I leave the house and greeting me when I come back home. I guess to some, it may sound strange, but to those same people you've never dealt with this.. Of course I have the pic on my nightstand also. As my friend, SS said, I just wish I could add pics to the ones I have. You know, like the 3 months, 6 month and 1 year photos you get taken of your kids?
The 2nd of every month seems to usually be a bit more difficult for me than other days. However, this one is going by very smooth. I am very much at ease on this day. Of course I miss my baby more than ever. I am certain that he joined us at the park today though. What I wouldn't give for him to be PHYSICALLY there though.. so I could see and touch him.