Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I now have an Angel Baby & a Rainbow Baby..

I couldn't be more happy today. December will forever be the worst, yet best month of my life. On Tuesday, Dec 29 our Rainbow Baby was born. I wish I didn't have a "rainbow" baby, I wish she was just a baby.. but, it is what it is and we are proud. There are so many coincedences between baby O and baby J, it's crazy. Let me name a few; They were both born in December. They were both born on a Tuesday. They were both born in the same room. O was exactly 2 pounds bigger than her brother. They are the same length at birth, exactly.  So many little things, J HAD to of had a hand in her birth. I went into the hospital to switch my meds. I wasn't supposed to give birth until Jan 4. However, I was going to ask the doc if she would just induce me also. I asked and long story short, she said "maybe". THEN she looked at the monitor and seen I was contracting.. I was in early labor ON MY OWN. I've NEVER gone into labor on my own. Always induced. I would like to thank J for helping his mommy out!

Sorry so short and I know it's been a while, but I am EXHAUSTED still...

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Much deserved recognition!

I got an email from the National Stillbirth Society today. It was an amazing email! It said that the Servicemembers Group Life Insurance is now recognizing stillborn babies as dependants and will begin paying the death benefit for them. Before now, they wouldn't do this. This isn't amazing because of the money, even though that money will help out in so many aspects with baby lost families. It's because the babies are getting noticed.. they are being recognized for the babies that they are. I hope many other insurance companies follow their lead. We really deserve this. The babies really deserve this. There are so many insurance companies out there that say "no sorry, baby has to of lived for 24 hours or more.." before they will pay out that life insurance. Well, why? Regardless of how long they lived, they were alive for 9 months in utero, and then the babies that are alive for only moments after birth.. what's the difference between them and the babies that lived 24-48 hours after birth? They were ALL once alive. We listened to their heart EVERY month. That's more alive than anything I've ever known!

Me and a friend were talking tonight after I told her this. Another point was brought up. When our baby's are born still, we still have to bury or cremate them. We have memorial services. There can be alot of money spent on something we NEVER would IMAGINE that we would need to spend on. Yet, we can't claim the death benefit to help in the cost! I hope many of you have the SGLI and will be using it. Here you can read more about it!


Monday, December 7, 2009

Amazing news.. Perfect timing!

Today, after getting home from some appointments that I had, I got an email from our NILMDTS photographer, Mike. I blogged about him and the organization back in august. The email said that a news station wanted to do a story about NILMDTS.. so basically, he's asking if we would do the story with him, share how it's helped in this healing process and also share some pics of J!! I am SO excited (but a lil nervous) lol!! Any of you that have had to use NILMDTS know how amazingly important those pics are.. and I'm sure you all share in my greatfulness (is that a word?) for them. For so long, I've wanted nothing more than to get the word out there about Stillbirth and NILMDTS and I guess it's here! If we are all truthful, how many of us knew about them before your loss? I didn't. Hopefully lots of people learn something that day on the news..

Ahhh that's all. Just wanted to share in my excitement!!!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

1 year+ a couple days!

So J's big day came and left. I was so stressed out leading up to the day. I guess the thought of the day, the flooding memories of everything that transcribed that day, one year ago, were much worse than it actually played out to be. We made sure to keep it happy. I did, however, take time to myself.. just to reflect back on the past year. Thinking about all the fabulous things that have happened in our life, since it was turned upside down. I am certain that the first year is the hardest, after that, we can do ANYTHING. I guess I never really realized how strong we were. Strong as individuals and as a family. I'm sure I've stated this about 5 billion times, but my husband really is the best there is. He's my kickstand when I feel like I'm about to fall. And no matter what, he will be there to listen. He will tell me that it will all be ok and somehow, it is. It's always ok.

This weekend has been a little trying for me. This weekend, a year ago, was J's memorial service. Last year, Dec 6 was on a saturday. Last year on Dec 7 (sunday) while my mom was here, we went downtown and saw the holiday parade. Of course I was no longer pregnant. It was such a beautiful parade, but I couldn't even enjoy it with everything else going on. I wanted to go downtown today for the parade, but with my husband on another "trip", there was NO WAY I was takin the kids by myself! lol Now, the hardest week of my life, one year later, is almost over. I'm so glad I got here, and even more glad to be done with it.

Oh yeah- last year there were some people that couldn't come down for the memorial, I understood, but alot of those people didn't even call to say sorry.. or just check on us. I still haven't been able to let that go. I'm not sure how. I mean, such a huge time in our life and a few people couldn't even call? Send a card? Something? Anything? Now, I find myself having that same thing happen. Those that didn't call on Dec 2, just to check on us.. or tell us they were thinking about us. A text. An email. A comment on facebook. Anything. I have that animosity again. My family did. My friends did.. most of them. But Dh's family? No, not one. My mom even sent us flowers. They were so pretty.. and still sitting on the coffee table. I hope they never die. lol Yeah, nice wish. Anyway, how do I get over that anger towards those people? Or should I get over it? Am I right or wrong to feel like that? Shouldn't they have some sort of compassion towards their own son/nephew/grandson? Because my husband is a man, do they think it doesn't bother him?

Saturday, November 28, 2009

A difficult week ahead..

It's been such a busy month! I haven't had time to get on here long enough to blog. Now that I have some time, it might be a little long winded. A couple weeks ago I started my twice weekly doc appts and non-stress tests. At my first one, I went into a complete panic mode. Almost a nervous breakdown. You see, the last time that I was in that room (before a couple weeks ago) was because I told the nurse I hadn't felt the baby (Jayce) move that day. That is, of course, when our world just crumbled. After I was hooked up and seen things were fine, I was fine. I knew before that, that the baby was fine because I've felt her move, but going back into that room was hard. Memories.. and not good ones. Since that appointment I have been fine with them. Well, there was one appointment that they didn't locate the heart right away. She had to ask me "which side do they normally find the heart on" after trying for a few seconds to find it. That put me in slight panic mode, but again, I knew baby was ok because I'ld been feeling her move just before my appointment.

This week, one year ago, was the worst week of my life. Last year we had a great Thanksgiving with friends we consider family and also my MIL and SIL. We did the usual black friday shopping. And then rested the entire weekend away. Then of course came my routine OB visit on Dec 2, a tuesday. You all know the rest of that story. Needless to say, this week is turning into a difficult one for me. Holidays always make you think what "should be". On thanksgiving I should have been feeding an almost 1 year old mashed potatoes and turkey! I should have his birthday party planned out. I should be spending way to much money on his party supplies and gifts. Unfortunately, what "should be", isn't. Thanksgiving used to be my favorite holiday, it still is, but now there is so much grief during this week. It used to be only happiness. I guess this is what us Angel Mommies call the "new normal".

We put up our Christmas tree tonight. After doing that we pulled out all the decorations, to include stockings. Of course J's stocking was in there. Not only was his stocking in there, but an extra stocking also. You see, about this time last year we went and bought all new stockings for the family. They are really fluffy, pretty ones. I got DH and I red ones. I bought AS a purple one. I got J and DS green and big DS a blue one. I must have had some sort of thought or feeling because at that time, I also bought an extra purple one. One year later, I am pregnant with a girl that will need that stocking. Mommies intuition? I'm not sure. While pregnant with J, we decided he would be our last.. so it was just quite odd that I decided to buy that extra purple one... that we would turn out to need.

Think of us these next couple days. They are going to be difficult as we try to get through his 1st birth/death day. We miss J more than we can even possibly begin to explain.

Monday, November 2, 2009

11 months old already!

11 months ago I was very happily pregnant. I was also completely oblivious to what could happen. I think, like most people, I thought that once you pass a certain point in pregnancy, everything is pretty much guaranteed to be fine. Once you are out of that first trimester, the chances of losing your baby are slim to none, right!? I never thought in a million years that I wouldn't get to take my full-term baby home. Being pregnant again, I wish I didn't know that things like that can happen. I wish that my mind-set was still that all babies will be born fine and go home with mommy and daddy. Having lost J, it has completely taken away from the innocence of this pregnancy. Now I know all that can go wrong. Not only from my own experience, but from the many mommies I've met. They all have their own story. Some are very similar to ours.. in not knowing til it was to late. Others learned that their child had a medical condition and wouldn't make it long after birth, but they chose to carry the baby to term, or as long as the baby would stay in. Either way, it's scary. Knowing SO MANY THINGS can happen in the growing process of one tiny baby. It can be problems with brains, hearts, kidneys.. or they can appear to be perfectly healthy, yet still die. I just don't get it.

I've been doing fairly well this entire pregnancy. I haven't had to many worries. I do alot of hoping and asking people to pray that this one is ok and comes home. Recently, though, I've started worrying. All the what-if's are coming out. I count kicks all day long. I'm almost to the point where I want to set my alarm for every 2 hours at night just to wake baby up and count kicks.. so I can be sure it's ok. In all the reading on stillbirths that I've done, I've found that they usually die at night while you are sleeping. I also know that to be the case with J. So, night times are getting to be a little tricky for me. Obviously its hard to get comfy enough to fall asleep, but now it's trying to also get in the right frame of mind to be able to fall asleep. The good thing is that I have less than 2 months before bringing this baby into the world.. and safely to our home! After that, no more worrying about what could happen during pregnancy. I can't wait!

J would be 11 months old today. Almost a year old. I should be planning his birthday party, but instead I'm trying to plan what we will do without him. To celebrate his birthday. I've got ideas, but nothing set yet. So, let me go think on that some more while I miss him tonight.. and wish he were laying here with me.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Trick or Treat!!

Yesterday was halloween, it was a fun day. We went to the party at the YMCA and then trick or treating in a neighborhood close by. We wanted to go in our subdivision, but it was pretty dark.. I guess no one wanted to hand out candy here. Ah well, we got lots of candy anyway! Friday night we went to a hallween party at our friend BR's house. It was alot of fun. Everyone dressed up and the kids had a load of fun. While I was there, a girl that I hadn't met yet asked me which kids were mine and if they were the only ones. That question always throws me a little off. Because there are somedays when I will say no, they have a baby brother.. or something like that, but that leads to questions, which are fine with me, but at certain times I don't want to dampen anyone's mood. I mean, no one at a party wants to get all sad by hearing about things such as babies that live in heaven! They are supposed to be having a good time, right? But then again, I don't want to NOT have him acknowledged. He is my son, he is their brother. Just because he isn't physically here, doesn't make him any less part of our family. Those times when I just don't want the questions I quickly change the subject, hopefully the other person doesn't see it as rude. I do answer the question before I change the subject, but I don't leave time for more questions. The other thing, I can't STAND when people talk about how many boys vs. girls I have and they leave J out of that equation. Most times I will correct them on how many boys I do actually have, but it's so annoying! It would be different if it were a stranger or someone that didn't know about J, but when it is friends or acquaintances they know better. I guess maybe it is weird for them to count J, since he isn't actually here? Who knows.

Today they had a thing called "Holiday Market" at the colliseum, it was alright, but I expected more. While we were there browsing, there were quite a few different items that were personalized with names on them. I constantly find myself looking for things that say J's name on them. Or anything that could tie into him. I didn't look for personalized things for the other kids, just J. I don't do it on purpose, I guess it's just one of those things that special mommies like me do? Surely I couldn't be the only one!

Here I am jumping around again, but I wonder what we would have dressed J up to be for halloween this year? Maybe a little spiderman to match his big brother? Or maybe just a spider?? lol How cute. See, this is one of those things that I wanted to be able to do.. dress them alike, not only for everyday clothing, but halloween!!! Have 2 little spidermans or batmans. I mean you can only do that for so long until they can decide, right? So I wish I were doing it now. DS was actually the "bad" spiderman, maybe J could have been the "good" spiderman! lol Ahhhh I want to see it so bad. I bought a wagon the other day, specifically to make trick or treating easier. When do babies start sitting? Would J be sitting well enough to sit in the wagon with his brother or would I be struggling trying to figure out a better way? I do SO MUCH of this wondering. I assume that I always will. It's ok with me. Like I said in the previous blog, I love the wondering about him.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


Do you have any friends that have children exactly the same age as your own? If so, do you look at pics of her kids and smile because your children play, act, look, etc., just like hers? One of my friends, CK, has kids the same age as mine. Her son is 2, just a month older than  mine. And her daughter is about to be 1, about a month older than Jayce. I was looking at her pictures the other day and it made me smile, but also made me want to cry. They were pics of her daughter wrestling the brother! It was sooo cute! But it was a bitter sweet feeling. I'm certain that if J were here, he would be wrestling his brother just like that. I would have pictures of them fighting, sitting together, smiling together, playing together.. just being brothers. Something that I will now never have, but yet something I dream of. Now only will I not have this, but DS won't have it either. Right now, instead of playing with mommy, he could be getting tackled by his little brother who would probably not quite yet be walking, but I'm sure would be an outstanding and quick crawler and on his way to walking. She also had pics of her daughters 2 front teeth that just came in. I wonder if J would have those teeth yet or not? DS didn't get teeth til just before he turned one. I wonder if J would be just like DS and be toothless for what seemed like forever!? lol  See all these little things make you sit and wonder about more and more stuff. Such as, what foods would he like right now? What would he just spit right out? Would he be a big boy and sleep through the night.. something his big brother STILL at 2 years old doesn't do!? Would he be a mama's boy or daddy's boy? And of course, what would he look like? I invision  him looking exactly like DS. Big, huge curly hair. Fat, juicy lips. lol And of course thighs that are as big as mine. haha Ok maybe not that big, but DS did have him some thick thighs! I think they would look alot alike. I mean, even looking at their newborn pics, they are IDENTICAL! If it weren't for the difference in skin color in their pics, I probably wouldn't be able to tell them apart!

I love all the wondering I do about him. I think (or at least hope) it's a healthy part of my grieving, but at the same time, I wish I didn't have to wonder. I wish he were right here so I could see, in the flesh, what he is like. See how his personality has grown in the last 10 months.

I haven't had time to blog a whole lot lately, that is why my blog about the walk was so quick. But I wanted to thank everyone who lit a candle for Jayce. And an even bigger thanks to my 2 fabulous friends that made it out to the walk with us. One of them, AG, she's pretty much amazing. On October 15th, when everyone lit the candles, she went above and beyond. Not only did she light a candle, but she put a blue cross into it after she burned it.. She gave it to us the next day along with one of the Willow Tree statues and a card. She really knows how important that day is to me and she did more than she had to. We love them (her and her husband) for that and for just being amazing friends to us (me and dh).

Sunday, October 18, 2009

My Walk to Remember Our Son

Today was that walk that I spoke of before. It was called a "Walk To Remember", and it was great. Amazing actually. My husband couldn't go because of work, but I knew that already. A couple of my friends and their children came along. They are a great support system and I can always count on these two friends to be there when I need.. and vice versa. There were another couple of friends that I wanted there, but for some reason unknown to me, they didn't want to come. Whatever though, their perogative, right!? Some mention of it from them would have been nice, but again, whatever. The friends that did come are amazing and I really don't know what I would do without them some days.

Ok, ok, back to the walk! :o) We had a bit of trouble finding the place at first and I thought we were going to be late and possibly miss it, but we got there in time. Thank gosh! When we got there, there were quite a few other people there. I signed in, spoke to some of the staff, got information and wrote a note to our baby on the banner. They had t-shirts and these little necklace things.. they were really cute. Everything was free. I was ready to buy a few t-shirts, but it was donations only. So, of course I donated. At the begining of the walk, a few ppl spoke to us and one woman read a poem. I have it typed up down below. It was good. And a couple tears escaped. I wish my husband could have been there, he's the best person to wipe those escapee tears away!

Once the actual walking began, I was doing pretty good. Normally I walk really slow.. I guess cuz I waddle at this point in the pregnancy? lol Then DS decided to slip out the bottom of his stroller cuz he didn't want to be pushed anymore. He wanted to walk like a "big boy". Well, that slowed us right down to the back of the pack. And of course he had to fall to make us even more behind. Oh well, with the help of the Charleston PD as escorts, we made it to the lake. At the lake there was more talking and then a tiny group sang a song and then the birds were released. I was sort of disappointed about the bird release because we didn't get any warning that they were about to do it. One of the women singing just pointed to some kids and the kids released them. I wanted to have my camera ready so I could take pics, but I pretty much missed the opportunity. I think everyone did. I tried to get a couple, we'll see how they look when I upload them.

That was pretty much it. I spoke to a lady afterwards to get a couple questions answered and to find out about somethings that I have been curious about, she was so nice and helpful. So a day that I expected to be amazing, met my expectations.

Oh later on I will post some pics from the walk!

A Walk To Remember

I walk to remember the steps you'll never take.
 I carry you with me as I firmly plant my feet.

Our trek started long ago, before my belly swelled.
You were a love that grew- like butterfly wings that beat.
Your gentle flutters then became kicks upon which I would dwell.
And I would talk to you, sweet baby, about the world you soon would meet.

The sun always shone upon us then- when you were in my womb.
And I was eager to show you the world that would have been your home.
How you'd have loved the sun shining- blue skies without a cloud.
The autumn leaves turning-the snow falling all around.
The flowers in the summer- would have filled your eyes with smiles.
And the rain that might have fallen would have caused you great suprise.

You would have traveled far with me- holding me by the hand, And I'd have shown you all I could- more that I can imagine.

You hold my HEART tightly now, as though we're holding hands.
How far we've traveled, little one- and my life with you has been sweet.
For I carry you in my heart, as I firmly plant my feet.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

October 15th, 2009

Sometimes I forget what I have already said in my blog. I don't go over it very often. I just sit here and type away, so if things get repeated or some things are very random and not making sense, sorry! Tomorrow is October 15th. To most that is just another day in October. To us, however, it is a day with meaning. It is a day dedicated to our son whom was taken away from us waaaaay to soon. We will, of course, celebrate his birthday amongst our family, but october 15th is a day that is nationally dedicated to him.. and all the other babies that were obviously much, much to beautiful to be on this earth for long. October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. The 15th is the specific day for it. All month long, all around the country, there have been different walks set up for the babies. I hope that all my friends and family have participate or will participate in an upcoming walk this month. I don't know how all the other "walks" are being set up, but I know the one here in Charleston will be great. After the walk, I believe it's a short walk, there is a small ceremony where they release birds over the lake.. and just remember. I am SO excited to be going. I can't wait to remember Jayce with some friends and some complete strangers.

For the friends that are attending this with us, it means alot. Even if I don't know how to show you that, it really does. And we love you for coming!

So tomorrow, thursday october 15 at 7pm don't forget to light your candles. I know it seems like something so small, something so simple. But it really is a big deal for us. Just knowing that you support us and what we have been through, means the world.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

What might have been

When I was pregnant I was so excited to be bringing another baby home soon. We were so happy and just so ready for our family to be complete so we could move on to that next chapter, whatever that was. We both wanted him to be a boy so badly. I think because I wanted our other son, DS, to have a playmate close to his age. I wanted to watch them play and grow together. I wanted them to have that bond that only two brothers can have. We definately got the boy we wanted, but that was where our wishes and dreams with him ended. We can't wish for him to be like his daddy. We can't wish for him to be a big strong football player. We can only think of "what might have been." I do still think and wonder "what might have been" with him.. and I do it often. Sometimes it makes me laugh. I can just imagine him and DS going crazy together. Gosh, I wish I could see it in more than just my imagination..

Shortly after we had him, I had this over-whelming need for another child. I thought about getting pregnant everyday. My husband and I decided to just let whatever will happen, happen. Meaning, we weren't going to try prevent pregnancy, but we weren't going to try get pregnant.. if that makes sense? Trying is just stressful and we all know I didn't need anymore of that. We also decided that if I wasn't pregnant by April 2009 that he would go get the big "V". April is a big month for us, I guess that is why I chose April. DS was born in april and J was conceived in april.. Well, April came and went and guess what happened? I got pregnant again! Another December baby is on the way!

There is only about a 2 week difference in Jayce's due date and this baby's due date. So this whole pregnancy has been like deja vu to me. With Jayce, my husband was deployed the whole summer. This time, he was deployed again. With Jayce, we moved into a bigger house. This time, we moved into ANOTHER bigger house! Just so many similarities. I remember going places last year while I was pregnant.. like certain holiday or seasonal festivities, and now I'm going to those again.. pregnant! This month we are going to the pumpkin patch. We went last year too. I was all huge and pregnant with Jayce, but I still had so much fun.. going down the big ol' blow-up slide things with DS! Getting up and off that slide wasn't as much fun!

All these "deja vu" moments are great. I really enjoy them. I like thinking back and remembering all the fun we had while pregnant with Jayce. Little things that I may (or may not) otherwise remember if I weren't pregnant now. In doing all these fun things again this year, though, I wish Jayce was joining us. I wish he would be in our Fall pictures this year. I wish we could all paint the pumpkins we choose from the pumpkin patch together. This year he will just have to watch over us while we do it. We will paint a special pumpkin just for Jayce.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

10 months-already??

It's been 10 months since I was last able to hold our son. Can you imagine having a baby that is 10 months old (or would be 10 months old) and only holding him for less than 24 hours? Going 10 months without a single kiss or hug from him? Seems unimaginable. We've done just that, though. I think it is amazing how many women you meet that also share this "story" with you. People that you have never and would never otherwise meet. People that share your feelings. Your pain. People that have also had to force a smile on to their face when it seemed ooohhhh soooooo wrong! I'm so thankful to have met them.

We have grown so much since December 2008. On the internet, shortly after J died, I read that the majority of couples who lose a baby will divorce. We were so determined that we wouldn't have anymore heartache in our lives and wouldn't let it break us apart. A divorce certainly would have been more heartache-for both of us. We are certain that our son wouldn't want that anyway. Now we are in such a different place. A place within our marriage that I am so glad we found. It is truely amazing, not that it wasn't amazing before, but now it is just a different kind of amazing. During this "journey" of ours, many of the women I have met have divorced, seperated or their relationship just took a turn for the worse. I wish that things would change for all of them. I guess maybe it is the way people deal with their own grief that has a toll on their marriage.

This october is the first october for us to have so much meaning. October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Specifically October 15. At 7pm that day, your local time, we are asking that everyone light a candle. Light a candle for your baby that you have lost. If you are fortunate enough to have all of your babies living, light a candle for our son, Jayce-and his many friends he's made up there. If you can, find a walk.. a rememberance walk. We are taking part in a walk here on October 18th. If anyone wants to join us, we would love to have you. It will be a walk with a small ceremony where they will release birds over the lake. It will be beautiful. I can't wait! I am really excited about this.

Well, it is sooooooooo bedtime here.

~Missing our Baby~

Sunday, September 13, 2009

They had his WHAT in their hands??

Have you ever read an autopsy report? Or even seen one? The day we got ours was quite mortifying for me. It was another one of those things that you think you are ready for, but really you aren't ready at all. I went through the whole thing, page by page. It took me hours. I would read a little and take a break. Then read some more. Then after I finished it, I read it again. All the while I'm over thinking every, single part of it. In the report, it tells you how much his brain weighed. To me, that meant that they held my son's brain in their hands. It was one of those OMFG moments for me. Who wants to think about that? I want to think of all his parts inside him, in the correct spots. I mean, I know they have to do all this in the autopsy, but I guess I didn't realize it til I was reading it.

We didn't get any answers from the autopsy. Well, nothing besides he was healthy. Everything about him was 'right'. Which, quite honestly drives me fucking nuts. If he's so healthy and everything was so right, why isn't he here? Why isn't he waking me in the middle of the night and making me extremely sleep deprived. I know his brother does a darn good job of it, but they could double team me and make it even worse. That's what I wanted.

You know, they say that this "just happens" sometimes. And there are no answers. You know what else "just happens" though? Cancer. How many foundations are out there trying to find a cure or prevent cancer? Compare that to how many foundations are out there trying to find prevention for stillbirth? It doesn't even compare. What about child molestation or kidnapping? That "just happens" too. Yet, that isn't so 'hush' like Stillbirth is.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

A Pair Of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Eachday i wear them, and each day i wish i had another pair. Somedays my shoes hurt so bad that i do not think i can take another step. Yet, i continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize i am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they dont hurt quite as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes.Yet, because of these shoes i am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who i am. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

He's the frame, I'm the picture..

Dh and I had to decide what to do with Jayce. Did we want to bury him? Cremate him? Hard choice for some, but for us, it was rather easy. Being in the military of course we move alot. We aren't "home". Right now I don't even think we know where "home" is. So burying him was pretty much out of the question. I wouldn't want to bury him here, knowing we would eventually leave. We have nothing here in this state, so we don't ever care to come back once we are gone. With that in mind, we chose to cremate our son.

After his memorial, of course they take the body to be cremated. Then we wait for the phone call telling us to come and pick him up. I was so anxious and ready to get that call... or so I thought. Once the call from the funeral home came and told us we could come anytime.. he was ready to be picked up, I was still so ready to get him. I went alone. I don't really remember why I went alone. I'm sure I just wanted to go for a drive or something, because during those days I loved just going for a ride and listening to J's CD.. the CD played at his memorial. Driving and crying was good medicine for me.. yes, the sunglasses were always on! :o) Anyway, once I got to the funeral home I went in there all brave and feeling good. Then I got to the desk and told the nice old lady what I was there for. She went to get someone to help me and they couldn't find my son!!! So I had to sit and wait.. While waiting I had this overwhelming feeling of anxiety come over me. I instantly went into panic mode and OMG I was all alone. Finally the director came to get me. He had this tiny white box in his hands along with J's gown and a couple other things for me. We talked for a few moments and then I left. When I got into our car I opened the box and instantly broke down. I thought I was ready for that day. I wasn't. In the box was a little baggy with ashes and a coin. I wasn't ready. I wanted that box and that baggy to turn back into a baby. How could this be me? How could this be my life? How can I be the one that loses her son, when there are so many ghetto, trailer trash hoes that have babies that shouldn't. And we know damn well they shouldn't. So really, why me? Why us?

I got home and I was so upset. My husband was home when i got there. I am so thankful for him. I know that this time was hard for both of us, but he was so strong. He was absolutely everything that I needed during these times and I love him so much more for how he handled everything. I am positive that I wouldn't be where I am in this grieving process if it wasn't for him. Honestly, I think I would still be majorly medicated.. just lying in bed. Pretty much good for nothing.

My husband has always said that he is the frame and I'm the picture. He'll always be there to hold me up. And boy did he prove that to me these past 9 months! I love him so much.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

9 months later..

9 months later and I still remember everything as if it were yesterday. 9 months later and I miss him more than ever. 9 months later and I still, every night, think about the morning of December 2nd. I remember every feeling I had.

You know when your baby is cold you cover them up more and maybe put a hat on them. Put socks on if they don't already have them..? After I had Jayce, he was cold. Without thinking about it, I tried to make him warm. I bundled him up a little tighter. I made sure his socks were still on. I put a blanket over us, as he was laying on me. He never got warmer though. It wasn't until a few weeks later that I remembered that I did that. Of course by this time I knew why he wasn't getting warmer, but in the hospital it didn't click. After your baby dies your whole thought process is screwed up. You do things without realizing. You say things you may not otherwise say. At least for me, this was how it was.

2 months after his birth, I got a tattoo for him.. and me.

That is Jayce's footprints. I put them on my foot. For me, it means he is ALWAYS walking next to/with me. Whenever I look down, I see him. People ask me about this tattoo all the time. The normal first question that they will ask is "is that a real tattoo?" Sometimes I wanna say "no, I dip my baby's feet in ink everyday and stamp them onto me". lol But of course I just tell them it is real. Then they usually think it's my 2 year olds feet, to which I correct them and tell them it's his baby brother's feet! From there the conversation usually goes one of two ways. They either tell me how much they love it or they ask questions about "baby brother". I LOVE when they ask questions! As I may have said in an earlier blog, I love when people ask about him. I completely love talking about him. And I LOVE my tattoo!

When you walk in my house there is a frame that has 6 pictures of Jayce in it. This is my way of him saying goodbye to me everytime I leave the house and greeting me when I come back home. I guess to some, it may sound strange, but to those same people you've never dealt with this.. Of course I have the pic on my nightstand also. As my friend, SS said, I just wish I could add pics to the ones I have. You know, like the 3 months, 6 month and 1 year photos you get taken of your kids?

The 2nd of every month seems to usually be a bit more difficult for me than other days. However, this one is going by very smooth. I am very much at ease on this day. Of course I miss my baby more than ever. I am certain that he joined us at the park today though. What I wouldn't give for him to be PHYSICALLY there though.. so I could see and touch him.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Our last look...

The feeling of giving birth and then coming home without a baby is a feeling that I will never be able to describe. I don't get to try figure out his feeding schedule and his sleeping schedule. Instead, I get to figure out where to have his memorial. Which day and what time? I have to see who will be able to come and who won't. After all, we are in the military and away from ALL family.

I believe the nurse gave my mom some suggestions on funeral homes. My mom called them and scheduled us to meet with them. The meeting was the following day. We went and met with them. What do you think it's like planning something like this for your own baby? Wait, don't even try to realize what it would be like. You can't, unless you've done it. We went over quite a bit at the funeral home. Most of which I don't even remember anymore, because of those meds. I do, however, remember that they had some fantastic homemade molasses cookies! Now whenever I eat of a molasses cookie I think of Jayce and then the funeral home.. We got all the plans done, then had the task of going home and letting everyone know when and where.

We wanted him in a special outfit. So that day we went out searching for one. I knew just the store. I had walked by it many times, but never went in. We head out to that store. I kept my sunglasses on the whole time. I definately needed the sunglasses to hide my face. lol My eyes were NOT pretty. I had rolls on my eyelids from crying so much! In the store, the clerk was an older woman, she was helpful and asked what we were looking for. I started bawling and said 'ask her', meaning ask my mom. My mom told her what we were looking for and that poor woman almost started crying too. She said she was so, so sorry. She found us the PERFECT gown for him. She hugged us before we left and apologized again. Nice woman.

The day after that DH and I were meeting with the chaplain from his work. He was a fantastic man. We asked him to come and speak at the memorial, he very willingly accepted. He also told us that some of DH's bosses wanted to be there for us. DH told the Chaplain that he didn't want them there, but then changed his mind.

Somewhere in these days my sister, TL, was able to come down. I don't remember when, but I do remember picking her up. I hadn't seen her in about a year, so it was nice to see her. Obviously the reason for the visit was the worst, but I was happy to see her and happy she was able to be there for me and my husband. She brought a bunch of gifts with her from some of my family that weren't able to come. My other sister, KL, wasn't able to come. She was sick and the doctor wouldn't allow her to fly. She was so upset about not being able to come. She had good reason though. She always called to check up on all of us. She was great during this time.

December 6 was finally here. It was a saturday. The day of the memorial. When I woke up that morning, I dont' remember crying at all. I was able to shower and get ready so I could look good when that little boy, that little angel was looking at me. I remember my pants being a bit to long, so my sister bobby pinned them up for me! haha it worked like a charm! All of our family that was able to come, met at our house first. Then we all drove to the funeral home together. When i walked in the door, the funeral director grabbed me and brought me into a special little room. It was Jayce lying in there. He told me to take my time and when I was ready, everyone else could come in.

That's exactly how he was when I walked in. Oh My God. Aboslutely GORGEOUS! I'm not sure how long we were in there before we allowed everyone else in. I needed some time though. As everyone came in, their eye's instantly filled with tears. They all hugged us and said "sorry" or something of the sort. I honestly don't think any of them had ever seen a dead baby. But gosh, he looked so alive. So beautiful! How could something so sweet actually be dead?

After everyone was in the room the funeral director pushed Jayce into the other room, where the Chaplain was going to speak to all of us. They left the casket opened as I asked. I don't remember one word that the Chaplain spoke, actually, I didn't even hear him. I mean he was loud enough, but there were so many other things going through my mind that I just couldn't hear him.. Like, why me? Why my husband? Why our baby? This was our last look..

Once it was all said and over, everyone went back to my house. My mom put some food together for everyone so that we could all just relax. It was great. My mom helped us so much.

Gosh I miss him...

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I can't breath!!!

What do you do after you give your baby to a man you've never met, so that this man can carry your baby to a morgue.. and leave him there? Is there a certain way you should act or feel? Do you say anything to the man, the pastor? Or do you just let him walk away? What about after they are gone from view? You think your world has already fallen apart, but for me, at that moment, it got worse. There were a few times after I had Jayce that I felt like I couldn't breath. This was one of those times. My breath was completely taken away and I felt like I was gasping for air. I was crying, telling everyone "I can't breath, help me". The nurse on the oncology floor was sort of a bitch. She would just say "yes you can". The nurse on the l/d floor would help me til my breathing was normal again..

After the pastor left with him, the only thing left for me was to wait and get discharged. The doctor came up, talked to me a bit, prescribed me some meds that I desperately needed and home I went. An empty carseat and crib awaited me at home.

Before I left I had to decide if I wanted an autopsy done. I said no at first. Then we thought about it and my mom gave her opinion. We decided that we should get one. If we don't, we may always wonder if an autopsy would have given us any answers. There were so many hard decisions to make. Shouldn't the hardest decision be what to name the baby and whether or not to circumsize?? I wish that was all I had to think about...

The hours after birth..

My husband was deployed for about half of my pregnancy, so we didn't really have a whole lot of time to come up with names. Sure, we would email each other back and forth with names here and there, but for the most part, it waited until he got home. Even then, we couldn't find a name that we both agreed on. I remember him coming up with some of the funniest names. Ok, they weren't that funny, but they certainly weren't my type of name. I found the name Jayce, we both liked it, but we were unsure if that was the name.

So, around 8pm on Dec 2, 2008; The baby was born. There were no loud cries like there should be. Pure silence. My sleeping Angel is laid on my chest. Could he possibly be any cuter? The nurse took him and did the usual, weight, height, etc. He was 5lbs 11oz. 19 1/2 inches long. He had so much hair, just like his brother! It's amazing how much they looked alike!

Let me back track a minute. Before I had him, the nurse came in and told me that there is a wonderful organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. She told me that they will come and do rememberance photography for families who's babies have or will pass. She asked if I wanted her to contact them to come up to the hospital. Of course, we said ABSOLUTELY!

Very shortly after Jayce was born, NILMDTS showed up. They were so kind and so gentle. They knew exactly what to do and how. Mike, our photographer, took so many wonderful photos. I will be forever greatful for those photos and for Mike. What an amazing person to take time out of his day to help people like me capture precious moments like these.

The nurse brought in a little bath for Jayce. I get to bathe him! I'm so excited. While I was washing him he pooped. haha I didn't realize what it was, because you know a babies first poop is that black, gooey stuff? So, I grabbed ahold of it and asked the nurse "what is this"?? lol So embarassing! She told me what it was, then I felt stupid. I guess I just didn't realize that my baby would poop after he had already died. Thinking about it now, why wouldn't he. After his bath he was put into a hospital gown, for babies of course. They had little special ones made just for the little ones that are born sleeping. While my husband and I were packing for the hospital, we didn't even think to put in some outfits for Jayce. I get mad at myself occassionaly for that.

After the bath we just relaxed, cried, kissed him and held him. The nurses came back in to make me a memory box. They took his footprints, wrote down some different information, and asked if I wanted them to clip a little of his hair from the back. I said yes! They put everything into this pretty, pretty box. They gave it to me along with a little teddy bear. In the box there was also a little outfit, like the one he was wearing.. and a hat. That hat was so tiny!! I assume it was made for babies that were born VERY early. There was no way my childs big head could fit into that!! lol Along with a big ol' head, he also had some of the BIGGEST feet I have ever seen on a newborn! Seriously, where did he get those things?

Around midnight, my husband left to go pick up my mom from the airport. She was finally there! They came back up to the hospital and we just talked. Grandma held him and of course cried with us. Shortly after that, they moved me to a different room. They took me up to Oncology. The nurse said it was so I didn't have to see other moms and/or pregnant women. I wish I would have told them that I didn't want to go up there. I wish I would have said i wanted to stay on the l/d floor. Why they thought surrounding me by more death would be better, is beyond me. Thinking about it now, I think it was more for them than for me. Oncology nurses are much more used to death than a labor and delivery nurse.

I was so tired, but I didn't want to fall asleep. I just wanted to hold, hug, kiss and stare at my baby! Afterall, I wouldn't be able to do it much longer. My time with him was limited and I knew that. I had to squeeze a lifetime of Jayce into about 17 hours. I did end up falling asleep for a few hours. I'm glad I did. Because now I can say that I bathed him, changed his diaper, and slept with him and I can keep those memories forever.

Once morning came I knew I had to hand him over soon. I couldn't keep him forever. My mom called the Pastor up, he came and we prayed over him. The Pastor blessed him for us and then I had my last few moments with him. These last few moments were the hardest. They might even be harder than learning that he had died. I had to say goodbye. I had to kiss that precious little Angel and hand him over to the pastor.. so that he could be taken to the morgue.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Labor

Going back to that day and thinking about every little detail is hard. I remember everything before birth so vividly. It's like it happened yesterday.

After the phone call to my husband, I called my mom. She didn't answer. I called my sister, KL; I asked her if she knew where mom was. She didn't, but she asked what was wrong. She, too, could hear it in my voice. I told her what had just happened and she said "oh my God". She was shocked. She told me she would try to find mom and have her call me. I called my other sister, TL, she didn't answer. A minute or so later mom called. KL had already told her. Mom was crying. I told her I was going to pick up my husband and we were going to the hospital. She immediately got herself a flight here.

At home, dh (husband) and I packed some things for the labor. We talked a little, but we were both in such shock. So, it was mainly just crying. The ride to the hospital was the worst. I was shaking. I was scared. I was nervous. I had every emotion possible running through me. We had our 1 year old with us. He was so good that day while he was at the hospital.

We got to l/d around 1pm, they were expecting me. I guess my doctor called them and told them I was coming. They put me in the corner room. It had a sign on the door. It was a picture of a leaf with a droplette on it. When you see that, it means someone has died.. I didn't know that then. After the nurse did her thing with me, one of the doctors from the office came in. She was so sad. I have never seen a doctor cry with a patient before, but she did. And she was absolutely amazing while we were there.

When they started the pitocin I was also offered an epidural. They weren't gonna make me wait at all. I wanted it, so I got it immediately. Before they could do it they had to give me ativan to stop my shakes.

While I was in labor, my friends were texting me. They knew I was having possible contractions the day before. My husband text them back with whatever I asked him to say and one of my friends, JN, was so amazing. She took care of the kids for me. They spent the night at her house and everything.

Around 8pm, our baby boy was born. Jayce, our Angel, was finally here...

How it all started..

In April 2008, my husband and I learned we were expecting another baby. How exciting! At my first appointment we were told the due date was Christmas Day! As usual, I started my daily lovenox injections. It was prophylactic treatment-nothing was wrong. The entire pregnancy was pretty good. I really can't complain about it.

It was getting close to the end of the pregnancy, so it was time to schedule my induction. I was being induced because of the medications (blood thinners) I was on. We set the "big day" for December 18, 2008. We were going to be parents again. How amazing!

On December 2, I had a regular weekly appointment. It was sometime in the morning. I went alone while my husband stayed home with our son. Afterall, it's just going to be a quick appointment. Nothing big. However, I remember going in nervous because I hadn't felt the baby move a whole lot the day before and I was having some very minor contractions-so minor I thought they were just braxton hicks. After the nurse took my blood pressure and all that normal, routine stuff, she asked if baby had been active. I responded. She took me into the room with the non-stress test machine to hook me up.. just to make sure everything was ok. She was trying to find the heartbeat with it, but she was struggling. She searched for about 5 minutes before going to get someone to help. At this point, my heart is racing. I'm not a religious person, but at this point I was asking God to help me. Help the doctors. Please, God, make sure my baby is ok! Make sure his heart is still beating!! The doctor came in the room and the nurse finally found a heartbeat, it was about 135; Doctor put his fingers on my wrist to check my pulse, the 135 the nurse found was mine.. not baby's. We got up and went into the ultrasound room. As the doctor was scanning for a heartbeat my eyes were filling with tears. He went over the heart a few times. It wasn't beating. I could see it. I knew. The doctor shut off the machine, put his hands on mine and said "I'm sorry, there isn't a heartbeat anymore." The tears started rolling. The first thing I asked is "why did this happen".

I went into my doctors actual office, we talked for a minute. He explained what happens now. He asked if I wanted to deliver that day, or wait til the next day. I wanted to do it that day. I had to leave his office alone.. crying. I called my husband. I didn't know what to say. He knew something was wrong by the sound of my voice. I told him to get ready because we are going to the hospital. He asked what was wrong, I told him the baby died.

This blog will be about the pregnancy, birth and memories of our precious Angel. Raw thoughts and feelings about everything. Our lives now, how they have changed. Also, what is in store for us. Through this blog, I hope to meet many other people like us. Other people who have experienced the heartache of losing their baby. I have already met quite a few and they are some of the best ladies every. They know what you go thru day to day. They know the thoughts, the pain and even the happiness of looking at their Angels picture and just remembering.