I love this..

Dear Mommy & Daddy,

I see you each time you shed a tear,

I catch it and kiss you, I hope that you know that I'm near.
This place is so beautiful, There's so much to see!
I know that someday you'll be here with me.
The angels were singing when I arrived!
Jesus was there with His arms open wide!
The snow and the rain are just my confetti.
I know you'll be coming and I want to be ready.
When you feel the wind, it's me walking by.
I can run and skip now, I can even fly!
When the blossoms and leaves fall into your hair,
It's me planting kisses, yes, I put them there!
The birds are singing to keep you company,
They're especially for you with love from me.
I know that you miss me and feel so alone,
Until the great day when you finally come home
Please remember as the seasons change from one to another,
I'll always love you. You're my friend and my mother.

15 months

Today marks 15 months since our son grew wings and flew off to heaven! Can you believe it? I sure can't! I often wonder what life would be like right now if he were here. I would have a newborn, 1 year old and 2 year old all running round, screaming, playing, fighting, crying!!! Oh and can you imagine the diapers??? YIKES!! Three kids under 2 years old? That instantly equals an insane mommy! A title I wouldn't mind having! lol

So much has happened in the 15 months since J got his pretty little wings. It's amazing. We were ripped apart by his death, but we were blessed with so much also. I'm sure I've said this is a prior blog, but I think this sort of loss will either make or break your marriage. I'm so glad that ours was strengthened so much. We agreed that we were in it for good times and bad.. we definately stuck to our word. I love my husband and our children so much!

I am very happy with the way I have dealt with losing our son. I am happy that I don't have "those days" to often. I am happy that I can be happy on a daily basis, but still miss J. I love being able to think of him each day without a complete breakdown. I know quite a few babylost women who breakdown often and it's so sad. I wish their heart would heal easier. And yes, I do think of him everyday. I talk about him nearly everyday. I see his pictures hanging on the wall all day. And I miss him each and every second of each and everyday. I guess I just found a great way to handle such huge loss.

After Christmas I went through all of our baby stuff. I decided it was time to donate all of our baby boy stuff. There were a few things of J's that I kept, but 98% of it was donated. I won't be able to use it, may as well let somebody else.. Like I said, I kept a few of the things that were J's. You always keep a few items from each child, right!? :o) Well a couple weeks ago I was cleaning out our master closet and I seen a big blue bin. I had no idea what was in it. Upon opening it, more baby boy stuff! In this blue bin was all the REALLY CUTE, newborn baby boy stuff (and a couple of big boy outfits). I died going through it. It was all of my favorite stuff from DS that we saved for J. All the stuff that I couldn't wait to see him in! I went through this bin-piece by piece. Just looking at it all. Imagining our super cute baby boy in them. Each piece. It was heartbreaking for me. Again. Another heartbreak. Another one of those days, which for me come few and far between (thankfully), that I just wanna scream WHY US, why our son!?!?!? After I finished looking at each piece, I knew I had to also donate those clothes. I can't use them, so someone less fortunate should be able to, right? It seems fair. I did take out the 3 big boy outfits in there. I'm going to let lil miss O wear them when she's big enough. They aren't TOTALLY boyish.. one is like a sweatsuit type thing (i think thats what you call it). It's light blue and I think it'll be cute on her once she can fit it. It'll be a long while. I think it's size 18 months. I will be sure to post a pic when she fits it though.

Missing J extra tonight...