Friday, January 8, 2010

Questions and worries

Ever since my post about the life insurance thing, I've had quite a few people ask me if I've done it yet. When I tell them no, some will ask why not. My answer, more times than not, is "i don't know". The real answer, and I hope the people that ask these stupid questions are reading.. First of all, it sucks. I don't WANT to file any death claim for my child. I'm going to, but on my own time. When I'm ready. Second of all, to me, it's confusing. I don't know exactly what to do. I don't know who to ask. I just don't know. So, please stop worrying about it, it will get done.. when we are ready.

Also, lots of people have been asking about the "rainbow baby" thing. Mostly, "what is a rainbow baby?" A Rainbow Baby is a baby born after your loss. After your "storm" you will always recieve a "rainbow". Baby O is our Rainbow.

Tonight, a friend was contacted to go take pics for another baby lost family. I am so sad about this. I don't know the family at all, but I wish I could reach out to this poor new mommy. In my own little world, I would like to think that I am the only one in the world that has lost their baby. I would like to think it will never happen to anyone else... cuz the pain is just to much. I know how this woman feels all to well. I wonder why this happens so often? I wish it would stop. I wish there was a magic cure. So sad.

I've talked about the loss of innocense in pregnancy after a loss in a prior blog. I thought once the rainbow baby is born, all those fears and worries leave. I was wrong. I find myself OBSESSING about things that can go wrong. Mostly about SIDS. I don't remember obsessing about this with the other kids. Sure, I thought about it once in a while, but what I do now is just crazy. Most people are glad when bedtime hits.. they get to lay in bed and rest their eyes until baby's next feeding. Not me! I dread bedtime. I would rather stay up all night just to watch her and make sure she's ok. I don't get sleep anymore.. and it doesn't have very much to do with how much baby O wakes up to eat. I am so much more protective over her than I ever have been of any of the other kids. Will this ever stop or get easier? Is this normal after a loss? Anxiety? What in the world?? I can't stand it. Ei ei ei!!! Hopefully it doesn't last long. Because I am sooo tired. I WANT to sleep. It's just hard.

'Til next time!

1 comment:

  1. You know, before I even conceived Carleigh and my daughter Kyndra was born in Jan 08 and there were many times when I would check on her and her breathing. I was afraid she would die of SIDS so suffice to say I think it's pretty normal for a babylost mom to do the same if not even more!