11 months old already!

11 months ago I was very happily pregnant. I was also completely oblivious to what could happen. I think, like most people, I thought that once you pass a certain point in pregnancy, everything is pretty much guaranteed to be fine. Once you are out of that first trimester, the chances of losing your baby are slim to none, right!? I never thought in a million years that I wouldn't get to take my full-term baby home. Being pregnant again, I wish I didn't know that things like that can happen. I wish that my mind-set was still that all babies will be born fine and go home with mommy and daddy. Having lost J, it has completely taken away from the innocence of this pregnancy. Now I know all that can go wrong. Not only from my own experience, but from the many mommies I've met. They all have their own story. Some are very similar to ours.. in not knowing til it was to late. Others learned that their child had a medical condition and wouldn't make it long after birth, but they chose to carry the baby to term, or as long as the baby would stay in. Either way, it's scary. Knowing SO MANY THINGS can happen in the growing process of one tiny baby. It can be problems with brains, hearts, kidneys.. or they can appear to be perfectly healthy, yet still die. I just don't get it.

I've been doing fairly well this entire pregnancy. I haven't had to many worries. I do alot of hoping and asking people to pray that this one is ok and comes home. Recently, though, I've started worrying. All the what-if's are coming out. I count kicks all day long. I'm almost to the point where I want to set my alarm for every 2 hours at night just to wake baby up and count kicks.. so I can be sure it's ok. In all the reading on stillbirths that I've done, I've found that they usually die at night while you are sleeping. I also know that to be the case with J. So, night times are getting to be a little tricky for me. Obviously its hard to get comfy enough to fall asleep, but now it's trying to also get in the right frame of mind to be able to fall asleep. The good thing is that I have less than 2 months before bringing this baby into the world.. and safely to our home! After that, no more worrying about what could happen during pregnancy. I can't wait!

J would be 11 months old today. Almost a year old. I should be planning his birthday party, but instead I'm trying to plan what we will do without him. To celebrate his birthday. I've got ideas, but nothing set yet. So, let me go think on that some more while I miss him tonight.. and wish he were laying here with me.