Saturday, November 28, 2009

A difficult week ahead..

It's been such a busy month! I haven't had time to get on here long enough to blog. Now that I have some time, it might be a little long winded. A couple weeks ago I started my twice weekly doc appts and non-stress tests. At my first one, I went into a complete panic mode. Almost a nervous breakdown. You see, the last time that I was in that room (before a couple weeks ago) was because I told the nurse I hadn't felt the baby (Jayce) move that day. That is, of course, when our world just crumbled. After I was hooked up and seen things were fine, I was fine. I knew before that, that the baby was fine because I've felt her move, but going back into that room was hard. Memories.. and not good ones. Since that appointment I have been fine with them. Well, there was one appointment that they didn't locate the heart right away. She had to ask me "which side do they normally find the heart on" after trying for a few seconds to find it. That put me in slight panic mode, but again, I knew baby was ok because I'ld been feeling her move just before my appointment.

This week, one year ago, was the worst week of my life. Last year we had a great Thanksgiving with friends we consider family and also my MIL and SIL. We did the usual black friday shopping. And then rested the entire weekend away. Then of course came my routine OB visit on Dec 2, a tuesday. You all know the rest of that story. Needless to say, this week is turning into a difficult one for me. Holidays always make you think what "should be". On thanksgiving I should have been feeding an almost 1 year old mashed potatoes and turkey! I should have his birthday party planned out. I should be spending way to much money on his party supplies and gifts. Unfortunately, what "should be", isn't. Thanksgiving used to be my favorite holiday, it still is, but now there is so much grief during this week. It used to be only happiness. I guess this is what us Angel Mommies call the "new normal".

We put up our Christmas tree tonight. After doing that we pulled out all the decorations, to include stockings. Of course J's stocking was in there. Not only was his stocking in there, but an extra stocking also. You see, about this time last year we went and bought all new stockings for the family. They are really fluffy, pretty ones. I got DH and I red ones. I bought AS a purple one. I got J and DS green and big DS a blue one. I must have had some sort of thought or feeling because at that time, I also bought an extra purple one. One year later, I am pregnant with a girl that will need that stocking. Mommies intuition? I'm not sure. While pregnant with J, we decided he would be our last.. so it was just quite odd that I decided to buy that extra purple one... that we would turn out to need.

Think of us these next couple days. They are going to be difficult as we try to get through his 1st birth/death day. We miss J more than we can even possibly begin to explain.


  1. I'll definitely be thinking of you as it comes up to a year. The big one.

    I am glad your little girl is moving around good and I definitely understand being nervous going in for the NSTs this time around. And I just love how you picked up that extra purple stocking. I guess you just knew you'd need it! :)

  2. My thoughts are with you during this time. I too am approaching when I lost my baby boy last year.

    I am happy to learn that you've got a little girl on the way. All the best to you.

  3. I dread ever hearing those words again "which side do they normally find the heartbeat on?". I admire your strength and courage to go there again. I hope to learn from you and be inspired by you. All my love for you as you make it through these next tough months. And you will.

  4. Sending you love & strength to get this through this time. I am sure J will be sending you love to get you through as well.

  5. Congrats on your little girl. Thinking about you...