Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Go and vote for "Stillbirth-Stop The Madness"!!!!

If you guys could vote for the "Stillbirth- Stop the maddness" I would greatly appreciate it! Go to the link and on the side click on womens health, then 'stillbirth stop the madness'.

VOTE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(copied from another site)

Dear Stillbirth Mommies & Friends,

We have just submitted the suggestion of Stillbirth Research & Education for a segment on the NBC program The Doctor’s.

Now we need your help!

The most popular segments are selected for production – please go to the website below and vote for this suggestion. Ask your friends to vote frequently and get the word out. This would be a tremendous opportunity to gain the awareness that we need. PLEASE put the voting information on your respective websites. Copy this message and send to everyone in your address books.


look for the following submission. It is categorized under Women’s Health.

Stillbirth – Stop the Madness!


Thursday, January 21, 2010

We were on the news!

Last month I mentioned that my NILMDTS photographer contacted me about a news show. Well, today was the day that we were live on the air! Any readers here that live in the Charleston, SC area??? You may have already seen it if you were watching My News 2 today!! I was nervous, but not to bad. I kept wondering exactly what the news lady, Tara, was going to ask! I wanted to "plan" how I would answer. haha I'm glad I didn't know and I couldn't plan, that would have been so embarassing! lol When we got there today (I had to take both kids with me) we were takin' to the sitting room. We waited a while-until right before show time. Then we were taken into the studio. It was pretty cool. We got to see where they do the news everyday. It was different than I had imagined it in my mind! D came into the studio with us and I held Miss O for the entire segment. D was so good, he just sat to the side, ate his cookies and watched his 'almost famous' mom on tv!! lol I had to bring the kids with me because the night before my husband got last minute notice that he was going to Haiti. It all turned out great though. Here is a link for the news segment!
Our News Segment!!

You can hear Miss O making her lil baby noises the entire time. So cute! Also, throughout the segment they showed some of our NILMDTS pics. Love it! Enjoy!

Saturday, January 16, 2010

How did this card get there??

While I was in the hospital after having J, the nurses put together a little memorial box for me. I guess that is what mommies like me get to bring home instead of a baby. I think I talked about it briefly in a previous blog. I've looked in it before, but not much. Most of the time when I have opened it I just looked at the stuff on top. I guess I never really dug to the bottom. Today, I was sorting through some of his stuff and I went into the box. I took everything out and just looked at it all.. and read some of it too. It's been just over a year now and I finally now just noticed a card in the box from all the nurses. How, for an entire year, could I miss that card? After I left the hospital, I am almost certain that I looked at EVERYTHING in the box. So how did this card get there? I know it had to of been there, but I can't believe that I didn't see it til now. I guess it just goes to show where your mind is when you initially try to sort through stuff!

Also, while looking at his stuff, I tried to go through all the sympathy cards that were sent to us during that time. I read one, but that was as much as I could read. Reading them is SO HARD! I've tried to read them a few times this past year, but each time I only get through one. They are so emotional. I guess it's one of the things in life that just doesn't get easier at all. Our new normal...

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

"since there was no birth.."

It's been a while since I've gotten angry regarding J. Today that changed. We went to speak with the casualty lady on base to have her help us with some paperwork. Throughout our conversation, she told me about 5 times  that "there was no birth.." or "since there was no birth.." or something similar. The first time she said it, I thought ok, maybe she meant to say "there was no live birth..", but she kept on with her non-sense of "there was no birth"!!!!!!!!!! I can understand if she said there wasn't a live birth, because there wasn't. But really, no birth? Really? Seriously? OK!? I promise you, casualty lady, there was a birth. Even though I had an epidural, it only numbed the contractions.. I felt every part of J's BIRTH. To be sure I'm not nuts, I had to look up "birth". Yep, I'm right. There was indeed a birth. Maybe not a live birth, but a birth indeed.

Sorry, but I wanted to pick up this womans desk and throw it at her. I wanted to say something to her so bad, but I knew we needed her help and I know me.. when I am angry about something, I have a hard time saying things nicely. So, I had to just shut up. As hard for me as that is...

I don't know why this woman doesn't choose her words more wisely. Ahhhhhhh! Of course her office was the first place we went today, so she set the tone for the rest of our day. Today was such a shitty day and I blame it on her.

I guess there was alot for me to get out today.. since I blogged twice today. I haven't done that for a while. Hope ya'll had a better day than me!!

Kisses to J tonight..

Group Time!

In October, I attended the Walk To Remember. While I was there I was informed of a support group that is held here. I've never been able to attend because my husband works evenings and of course his day off isn't on the meeting days. Since he's on leave for baby O, he had one of the meeting days off. So, this past monday I was able to attend my first meeting. I've never needed a "support group" for anything.. ever. This, of course, is different though. I thought I would be nervous going into it, but I wasn't. Before I got there, I got lost! This building is cleverly hiden and I drove around FOREVER trying to find it. Once I found the parking lot, I couldn't find where I was supposed to go! lol I had to call my husband, have him go into my email and open up the message from the lady that puts it all together and give me her cell phone number. I called her and found where I was supposed to be.  I was late, but super determined to find this meeting! I'm glad I did! Once I got in there, there was 1 baby lost couple and then a baby lost mommy. All three people were great. They told me their stories and we just talked. When one of the ladies was telling her story, she was so upset.. and had tears. Listening to someone's story when they cry is so hard. Seeing the raw emotion in her was so sad. Now I know how it was (and still is, sometimes) for other people when I tell them my story. I don't cry often when talking about it, occasionally I do though. I'm not a hugging type person, but I really did just want to reach across the table and hug her. I hope they get their rainbow baby soon.. because they are trying. Everyone say a prayer that they get the precious baby soon. I would love to go to a meeting one day and hear her announce that she is pregnant!!!!

I hope to be able to attend another one of the meetings soon. Talking about our babies was so healing.. and comforting. It's so nice to talk to real people with the same "new normal" as you. Nobody understands like another baby lost mommy (and daddy). Talking to your friends is nice, but this is just different.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Questions and worries

Ever since my post about the life insurance thing, I've had quite a few people ask me if I've done it yet. When I tell them no, some will ask why not. My answer, more times than not, is "i don't know". The real answer, and I hope the people that ask these stupid questions are reading.. First of all, it sucks. I don't WANT to file any death claim for my child. I'm going to, but on my own time. When I'm ready. Second of all, to me, it's confusing. I don't know exactly what to do. I don't know who to ask. I just don't know. So, please stop worrying about it, it will get done.. when we are ready.

Also, lots of people have been asking about the "rainbow baby" thing. Mostly, "what is a rainbow baby?" A Rainbow Baby is a baby born after your loss. After your "storm" you will always recieve a "rainbow". Baby O is our Rainbow.

Tonight, a friend was contacted to go take pics for another baby lost family. I am so sad about this. I don't know the family at all, but I wish I could reach out to this poor new mommy. In my own little world, I would like to think that I am the only one in the world that has lost their baby. I would like to think it will never happen to anyone else... cuz the pain is just to much. I know how this woman feels all to well. I wonder why this happens so often? I wish it would stop. I wish there was a magic cure. So sad.

I've talked about the loss of innocense in pregnancy after a loss in a prior blog. I thought once the rainbow baby is born, all those fears and worries leave. I was wrong. I find myself OBSESSING about things that can go wrong. Mostly about SIDS. I don't remember obsessing about this with the other kids. Sure, I thought about it once in a while, but what I do now is just crazy. Most people are glad when bedtime hits.. they get to lay in bed and rest their eyes until baby's next feeding. Not me! I dread bedtime. I would rather stay up all night just to watch her and make sure she's ok. I don't get sleep anymore.. and it doesn't have very much to do with how much baby O wakes up to eat. I am so much more protective over her than I ever have been of any of the other kids. Will this ever stop or get easier? Is this normal after a loss? Anxiety? What in the world?? I can't stand it. Ei ei ei!!! Hopefully it doesn't last long. Because I am sooo tired. I WANT to sleep. It's just hard.

'Til next time!