It's been 10 months since I was last able to hold our son. Can you imagine having a baby that is 10 months old (or would be 10 months old) and only holding him for less than 24 hours? Going 10 months without a single kiss or hug from him? Seems unimaginable. We've done just that, though. I think it is amazing how many women you meet that also share this "story" with you. People that you have never and would never otherwise meet. People that share your feelings. Your pain. People that have also had to force a smile on to their face when it seemed ooohhhh soooooo wrong! I'm so thankful to have met them.
We have grown so much since December 2008. On the internet, shortly after J died, I read that the majority of couples who lose a baby will divorce. We were so determined that we wouldn't have anymore heartache in our lives and wouldn't let it break us apart. A divorce certainly would have been more heartache-for both of us. We are certain that our son wouldn't want that anyway. Now we are in such a different place. A place within our marriage that I am so glad we found. It is truely amazing, not that it wasn't amazing before, but now it is just a different kind of amazing. During this "journey" of ours, many of the women I have met have divorced, seperated or their relationship just took a turn for the worse. I wish that things would change for all of them. I guess maybe it is the way people deal with their own grief that has a toll on their marriage.
This october is the first october for us to have so much meaning. October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Specifically October 15. At 7pm that day, your local time, we are asking that everyone light a candle. Light a candle for your baby that you have lost. If you are fortunate enough to have all of your babies living, light a candle for our son, Jayce-and his many friends he's made up there. If you can, find a walk.. a rememberance walk. We are taking part in a walk here on October 18th. If anyone wants to join us, we would love to have you. It will be a walk with a small ceremony where they will release birds over the lake. It will be beautiful. I can't wait! I am really excited about this.
Well, it is sooooooooo bedtime here.
~Missing our Baby~
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Each month I wonder what Carleigh would be doing and what she would look like. Wonder what it would be like to hold her just one more time. I've read that couples often divorce too, but we have grown stronger in our relationship. Sure, we have our times where we nit pick and argue but we know we are in this for the long haul. I'm not sure if there is a walk in my area. I should look that up!
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