Do you have any friends that have children exactly the same age as your own? If so, do you look at pics of her kids and smile because your children play, act, look, etc., just like hers? One of my friends, CK, has kids the same age as mine. Her son is 2, just a month older than mine. And her daughter is about to be 1, about a month older than Jayce. I was looking at her pictures the other day and it made me smile, but also made me want to cry. They were pics of her daughter wrestling the brother! It was sooo cute! But it was a bitter sweet feeling. I'm certain that if J were here, he would be wrestling his brother just like that. I would have pictures of them fighting, sitting together, smiling together, playing together.. just being brothers. Something that I will now never have, but yet something I dream of. Now only will I not have this, but DS won't have it either. Right now, instead of playing with mommy, he could be getting tackled by his little brother who would probably not quite yet be walking, but I'm sure would be an outstanding and quick crawler and on his way to walking. She also had pics of her daughters 2 front teeth that just came in. I wonder if J would have those teeth yet or not? DS didn't get teeth til just before he turned one. I wonder if J would be just like DS and be toothless for what seemed like forever!? lol See all these little things make you sit and wonder about more and more stuff. Such as, what foods would he like right now? What would he just spit right out? Would he be a big boy and sleep through the night.. something his big brother STILL at 2 years old doesn't do!? Would he be a mama's boy or daddy's boy? And of course, what would he look like? I invision him looking exactly like DS. Big, huge curly hair. Fat, juicy lips. lol And of course thighs that are as big as mine. haha Ok maybe not that big, but DS did have him some thick thighs! I think they would look alot alike. I mean, even looking at their newborn pics, they are IDENTICAL! If it weren't for the difference in skin color in their pics, I probably wouldn't be able to tell them apart!
I love all the wondering I do about him. I think (or at least hope) it's a healthy part of my grieving, but at the same time, I wish I didn't have to wonder. I wish he were right here so I could see, in the flesh, what he is like. See how his personality has grown in the last 10 months.
I haven't had time to blog a whole lot lately, that is why my blog about the walk was so quick. But I wanted to thank everyone who lit a candle for Jayce. And an even bigger thanks to my 2 fabulous friends that made it out to the walk with us. One of them, AG, she's pretty much amazing. On October 15th, when everyone lit the candles, she went above and beyond. Not only did she light a candle, but she put a blue cross into it after she burned it.. She gave it to us the next day along with one of the Willow Tree statues and a card. She really knows how important that day is to me and she did more than she had to. We love them (her and her husband) for that and for just being amazing friends to us (me and dh).
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I have friends online that have babies that should be the same age as Carleigh. When I see pics of their babies it makes me wonder more about Carleigh. What she would look like and what she would be doing.
ReplyDeleteI love you! You are so strong. You are so amazing. You are so special. Your husband and kids are so blessed to have you. I'm sure you know that but I have to tell you anyways. I will never be able to understand the loss you have had to go through. But you explain it so well here on these pages. You are an inspiration. <3
ReplyDeleteI have never commented on your post, I found you through caring for Carleigh; my name is Ali. I have also lost a son, not one so young; my son was 17 1/2 months old when he drown, Decemeber 5th, 2008....Read my blog if you want more info. Anyhow, I would like to become a follower and be a friend with an understanding ear and mouth(or keyboard). So..>Anyhow.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand what you are saying about wondering, I wonder about Jayden all day long. I wonder if my dog would like him, or if he would terrorize her. I wonder if he would STILL be sleeping with me, or still be infatuated with Lightning Mcqueen; I wonder if he would love his Mama more than daddy still; and I long to hear his voice because I feel like I've forgotten it. Sometimes I get selfish, and I wish I had left him vegitated, because then atleast I could still smell him..
I too often wish I didn't have to wonder, I often wish he had never drown; I go into regret and guilt, and then through a never ending cycle of hurt all over again.
I have many friends with babies the exact same age, I stop people on the street asking them how old there toddler is; I love seeing babies his age, to see what he had already done, or should have been doing rather than being greived over. I love kids though, and I think being without children in my life would completely suck all the life out of my soul.
I do love him so much though, and he is my inspiration as well... Everyone is different, and everyone greives different; but I think wondering is totally healthy.
Your baby is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing.