A difficult week ahead..

It's been such a busy month! I haven't had time to get on here long enough to blog. Now that I have some time, it might be a little long winded. A couple weeks ago I started my twice weekly doc appts and non-stress tests. At my first one, I went into a complete panic mode. Almost a nervous breakdown. You see, the last time that I was in that room (before a couple weeks ago) was because I told the nurse I hadn't felt the baby (Jayce) move that day. That is, of course, when our world just crumbled. After I was hooked up and seen things were fine, I was fine. I knew before that, that the baby was fine because I've felt her move, but going back into that room was hard. Memories.. and not good ones. Since that appointment I have been fine with them. Well, there was one appointment that they didn't locate the heart right away. She had to ask me "which side do they normally find the heart on" after trying for a few seconds to find it. That put me in slight panic mode, but again, I knew baby was ok because I'ld been feeling her move just before my appointment.

This week, one year ago, was the worst week of my life. Last year we had a great Thanksgiving with friends we consider family and also my MIL and SIL. We did the usual black friday shopping. And then rested the entire weekend away. Then of course came my routine OB visit on Dec 2, a tuesday. You all know the rest of that story. Needless to say, this week is turning into a difficult one for me. Holidays always make you think what "should be". On thanksgiving I should have been feeding an almost 1 year old mashed potatoes and turkey! I should have his birthday party planned out. I should be spending way to much money on his party supplies and gifts. Unfortunately, what "should be", isn't. Thanksgiving used to be my favorite holiday, it still is, but now there is so much grief during this week. It used to be only happiness. I guess this is what us Angel Mommies call the "new normal".

We put up our Christmas tree tonight. After doing that we pulled out all the decorations, to include stockings. Of course J's stocking was in there. Not only was his stocking in there, but an extra stocking also. You see, about this time last year we went and bought all new stockings for the family. They are really fluffy, pretty ones. I got DH and I red ones. I bought AS a purple one. I got J and DS green and big DS a blue one. I must have had some sort of thought or feeling because at that time, I also bought an extra purple one. One year later, I am pregnant with a girl that will need that stocking. Mommies intuition? I'm not sure. While pregnant with J, we decided he would be our last.. so it was just quite odd that I decided to buy that extra purple one... that we would turn out to need.

Think of us these next couple days. They are going to be difficult as we try to get through his 1st birth/death day. We miss J more than we can even possibly begin to explain.

11 months old already!

11 months ago I was very happily pregnant. I was also completely oblivious to what could happen. I think, like most people, I thought that once you pass a certain point in pregnancy, everything is pretty much guaranteed to be fine. Once you are out of that first trimester, the chances of losing your baby are slim to none, right!? I never thought in a million years that I wouldn't get to take my full-term baby home. Being pregnant again, I wish I didn't know that things like that can happen. I wish that my mind-set was still that all babies will be born fine and go home with mommy and daddy. Having lost J, it has completely taken away from the innocence of this pregnancy. Now I know all that can go wrong. Not only from my own experience, but from the many mommies I've met. They all have their own story. Some are very similar to ours.. in not knowing til it was to late. Others learned that their child had a medical condition and wouldn't make it long after birth, but they chose to carry the baby to term, or as long as the baby would stay in. Either way, it's scary. Knowing SO MANY THINGS can happen in the growing process of one tiny baby. It can be problems with brains, hearts, kidneys.. or they can appear to be perfectly healthy, yet still die. I just don't get it.

I've been doing fairly well this entire pregnancy. I haven't had to many worries. I do alot of hoping and asking people to pray that this one is ok and comes home. Recently, though, I've started worrying. All the what-if's are coming out. I count kicks all day long. I'm almost to the point where I want to set my alarm for every 2 hours at night just to wake baby up and count kicks.. so I can be sure it's ok. In all the reading on stillbirths that I've done, I've found that they usually die at night while you are sleeping. I also know that to be the case with J. So, night times are getting to be a little tricky for me. Obviously its hard to get comfy enough to fall asleep, but now it's trying to also get in the right frame of mind to be able to fall asleep. The good thing is that I have less than 2 months before bringing this baby into the world.. and safely to our home! After that, no more worrying about what could happen during pregnancy. I can't wait!

J would be 11 months old today. Almost a year old. I should be planning his birthday party, but instead I'm trying to plan what we will do without him. To celebrate his birthday. I've got ideas, but nothing set yet. So, let me go think on that some more while I miss him tonight.. and wish he were laying here with me.

Trick or Treat!!

Yesterday was halloween, it was a fun day. We went to the party at the YMCA and then trick or treating in a neighborhood close by. We wanted to go in our subdivision, but it was pretty dark.. I guess no one wanted to hand out candy here. Ah well, we got lots of candy anyway! Friday night we went to a hallween party at our friend BR's house. It was alot of fun. Everyone dressed up and the kids had a load of fun. While I was there, a girl that I hadn't met yet asked me which kids were mine and if they were the only ones. That question always throws me a little off. Because there are somedays when I will say no, they have a baby brother.. or something like that, but that leads to questions, which are fine with me, but at certain times I don't want to dampen anyone's mood. I mean, no one at a party wants to get all sad by hearing about things such as babies that live in heaven! They are supposed to be having a good time, right? But then again, I don't want to NOT have him acknowledged. He is my son, he is their brother. Just because he isn't physically here, doesn't make him any less part of our family. Those times when I just don't want the questions I quickly change the subject, hopefully the other person doesn't see it as rude. I do answer the question before I change the subject, but I don't leave time for more questions. The other thing, I can't STAND when people talk about how many boys vs. girls I have and they leave J out of that equation. Most times I will correct them on how many boys I do actually have, but it's so annoying! It would be different if it were a stranger or someone that didn't know about J, but when it is friends or acquaintances they know better. I guess maybe it is weird for them to count J, since he isn't actually here? Who knows.

Today they had a thing called "Holiday Market" at the colliseum, it was alright, but I expected more. While we were there browsing, there were quite a few different items that were personalized with names on them. I constantly find myself looking for things that say J's name on them. Or anything that could tie into him. I didn't look for personalized things for the other kids, just J. I don't do it on purpose, I guess it's just one of those things that special mommies like me do? Surely I couldn't be the only one!

Here I am jumping around again, but I wonder what we would have dressed J up to be for halloween this year? Maybe a little spiderman to match his big brother? Or maybe just a spider?? lol How cute. See, this is one of those things that I wanted to be able to do.. dress them alike, not only for everyday clothing, but halloween!!! Have 2 little spidermans or batmans. I mean you can only do that for so long until they can decide, right? So I wish I were doing it now. DS was actually the "bad" spiderman, maybe J could have been the "good" spiderman! lol Ahhhh I want to see it so bad. I bought a wagon the other day, specifically to make trick or treating easier. When do babies start sitting? Would J be sitting well enough to sit in the wagon with his brother or would I be struggling trying to figure out a better way? I do SO MUCH of this wondering. I assume that I always will. It's ok with me. Like I said in the previous blog, I love the wondering about him.