Friday, August 28, 2009

Our last look...

The feeling of giving birth and then coming home without a baby is a feeling that I will never be able to describe. I don't get to try figure out his feeding schedule and his sleeping schedule. Instead, I get to figure out where to have his memorial. Which day and what time? I have to see who will be able to come and who won't. After all, we are in the military and away from ALL family.

I believe the nurse gave my mom some suggestions on funeral homes. My mom called them and scheduled us to meet with them. The meeting was the following day. We went and met with them. What do you think it's like planning something like this for your own baby? Wait, don't even try to realize what it would be like. You can't, unless you've done it. We went over quite a bit at the funeral home. Most of which I don't even remember anymore, because of those meds. I do, however, remember that they had some fantastic homemade molasses cookies! Now whenever I eat of a molasses cookie I think of Jayce and then the funeral home.. We got all the plans done, then had the task of going home and letting everyone know when and where.

We wanted him in a special outfit. So that day we went out searching for one. I knew just the store. I had walked by it many times, but never went in. We head out to that store. I kept my sunglasses on the whole time. I definately needed the sunglasses to hide my face. lol My eyes were NOT pretty. I had rolls on my eyelids from crying so much! In the store, the clerk was an older woman, she was helpful and asked what we were looking for. I started bawling and said 'ask her', meaning ask my mom. My mom told her what we were looking for and that poor woman almost started crying too. She said she was so, so sorry. She found us the PERFECT gown for him. She hugged us before we left and apologized again. Nice woman.

The day after that DH and I were meeting with the chaplain from his work. He was a fantastic man. We asked him to come and speak at the memorial, he very willingly accepted. He also told us that some of DH's bosses wanted to be there for us. DH told the Chaplain that he didn't want them there, but then changed his mind.

Somewhere in these days my sister, TL, was able to come down. I don't remember when, but I do remember picking her up. I hadn't seen her in about a year, so it was nice to see her. Obviously the reason for the visit was the worst, but I was happy to see her and happy she was able to be there for me and my husband. She brought a bunch of gifts with her from some of my family that weren't able to come. My other sister, KL, wasn't able to come. She was sick and the doctor wouldn't allow her to fly. She was so upset about not being able to come. She had good reason though. She always called to check up on all of us. She was great during this time.

December 6 was finally here. It was a saturday. The day of the memorial. When I woke up that morning, I dont' remember crying at all. I was able to shower and get ready so I could look good when that little boy, that little angel was looking at me. I remember my pants being a bit to long, so my sister bobby pinned them up for me! haha it worked like a charm! All of our family that was able to come, met at our house first. Then we all drove to the funeral home together. When i walked in the door, the funeral director grabbed me and brought me into a special little room. It was Jayce lying in there. He told me to take my time and when I was ready, everyone else could come in.

That's exactly how he was when I walked in. Oh My God. Aboslutely GORGEOUS! I'm not sure how long we were in there before we allowed everyone else in. I needed some time though. As everyone came in, their eye's instantly filled with tears. They all hugged us and said "sorry" or something of the sort. I honestly don't think any of them had ever seen a dead baby. But gosh, he looked so alive. So beautiful! How could something so sweet actually be dead?

After everyone was in the room the funeral director pushed Jayce into the other room, where the Chaplain was going to speak to all of us. They left the casket opened as I asked. I don't remember one word that the Chaplain spoke, actually, I didn't even hear him. I mean he was loud enough, but there were so many other things going through my mind that I just couldn't hear him.. Like, why me? Why my husband? Why our baby? This was our last look..

Once it was all said and over, everyone went back to my house. My mom put some food together for everyone so that we could all just relax. It was great. My mom helped us so much.

Gosh I miss him...


  1. What a precious little Angel!! Too good for this earth!!

  2. I am literally in tears. Although I have never experienced loosing a child of mine but a few years ago my aunt lost her first baby, a little boy. He was 4 months old and I've never been more devastated. These pictures reminded me so much of Maddux's funeral and how awful it all was and how my heart was so torn and how badly I hurt. I can only imagine how deep your pain heart goes out to you!

  3. Your stories bring me to tears. I cannot even imagine the pain in loosing your baby. You will see him again someday.

  4. He looks great. I love how they handle the babies with such special care. But even though I've seen it for myself, it's still hard to see it with someone else. I've said it a billion times no mother should ever feel this pain.

  5. I shouldn't have read this at work... I feel like crying. He is your guardian angel now.

  6. He looks so peaceful, and just beautiful. I do cry while reading your blog and its not even close to the tears you have cryed but I will remember your story forever. I hope I'm not out of my place but I truly believe that through you Jayce is still here. I'm heart broken for your loss and it must be a struggle everyday but I'm glad that even the worst pain in the world as been placed on you, you haven hidden from it. You may not always feel it, but your strong. I wish I could take some of that burden for you but I know that's not possible. All I can do is read your stories. Thank you.