Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I can't breath!!!

What do you do after you give your baby to a man you've never met, so that this man can carry your baby to a morgue.. and leave him there? Is there a certain way you should act or feel? Do you say anything to the man, the pastor? Or do you just let him walk away? What about after they are gone from view? You think your world has already fallen apart, but for me, at that moment, it got worse. There were a few times after I had Jayce that I felt like I couldn't breath. This was one of those times. My breath was completely taken away and I felt like I was gasping for air. I was crying, telling everyone "I can't breath, help me". The nurse on the oncology floor was sort of a bitch. She would just say "yes you can". The nurse on the l/d floor would help me til my breathing was normal again..

After the pastor left with him, the only thing left for me was to wait and get discharged. The doctor came up, talked to me a bit, prescribed me some meds that I desperately needed and home I went. An empty carseat and crib awaited me at home.

Before I left I had to decide if I wanted an autopsy done. I said no at first. Then we thought about it and my mom gave her opinion. We decided that we should get one. If we don't, we may always wonder if an autopsy would have given us any answers. There were so many hard decisions to make. Shouldn't the hardest decision be what to name the baby and whether or not to circumsize?? I wish that was all I had to think about...


  1. I wish that's all everyone had to think about when it comes to having a baby. ANd many don't even kow that there are many women that have to make those hard horrible decisions. I like the title of this post. That is the feeling you have, like you can't breathe.

  2. J's Momma,

    I tears streaming down my face. We just lost our son Jody on April 10th. We knew his condition was fatal and had time to process it. I think the hardest part was leaving the hospital, having to hand him over to the kindest nurse. I still can not talk about leaving that hospital without a break down.

    We love our blog, its an outlit, helps with the healing process and allows us to share.

    Mommy to Angel Jody Michael Terian