Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The hours after birth..

My husband was deployed for about half of my pregnancy, so we didn't really have a whole lot of time to come up with names. Sure, we would email each other back and forth with names here and there, but for the most part, it waited until he got home. Even then, we couldn't find a name that we both agreed on. I remember him coming up with some of the funniest names. Ok, they weren't that funny, but they certainly weren't my type of name. I found the name Jayce, we both liked it, but we were unsure if that was the name.

So, around 8pm on Dec 2, 2008; The baby was born. There were no loud cries like there should be. Pure silence. My sleeping Angel is laid on my chest. Could he possibly be any cuter? The nurse took him and did the usual, weight, height, etc. He was 5lbs 11oz. 19 1/2 inches long. He had so much hair, just like his brother! It's amazing how much they looked alike!

Let me back track a minute. Before I had him, the nurse came in and told me that there is a wonderful organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. She told me that they will come and do rememberance photography for families who's babies have or will pass. She asked if I wanted her to contact them to come up to the hospital. Of course, we said ABSOLUTELY!

Very shortly after Jayce was born, NILMDTS showed up. They were so kind and so gentle. They knew exactly what to do and how. Mike, our photographer, took so many wonderful photos. I will be forever greatful for those photos and for Mike. What an amazing person to take time out of his day to help people like me capture precious moments like these.

The nurse brought in a little bath for Jayce. I get to bathe him! I'm so excited. While I was washing him he pooped. haha I didn't realize what it was, because you know a babies first poop is that black, gooey stuff? So, I grabbed ahold of it and asked the nurse "what is this"?? lol So embarassing! She told me what it was, then I felt stupid. I guess I just didn't realize that my baby would poop after he had already died. Thinking about it now, why wouldn't he. After his bath he was put into a hospital gown, for babies of course. They had little special ones made just for the little ones that are born sleeping. While my husband and I were packing for the hospital, we didn't even think to put in some outfits for Jayce. I get mad at myself occassionaly for that.

After the bath we just relaxed, cried, kissed him and held him. The nurses came back in to make me a memory box. They took his footprints, wrote down some different information, and asked if I wanted them to clip a little of his hair from the back. I said yes! They put everything into this pretty, pretty box. They gave it to me along with a little teddy bear. In the box there was also a little outfit, like the one he was wearing.. and a hat. That hat was so tiny!! I assume it was made for babies that were born VERY early. There was no way my childs big head could fit into that!! lol Along with a big ol' head, he also had some of the BIGGEST feet I have ever seen on a newborn! Seriously, where did he get those things?

Around midnight, my husband left to go pick up my mom from the airport. She was finally there! They came back up to the hospital and we just talked. Grandma held him and of course cried with us. Shortly after that, they moved me to a different room. They took me up to Oncology. The nurse said it was so I didn't have to see other moms and/or pregnant women. I wish I would have told them that I didn't want to go up there. I wish I would have said i wanted to stay on the l/d floor. Why they thought surrounding me by more death would be better, is beyond me. Thinking about it now, I think it was more for them than for me. Oncology nurses are much more used to death than a labor and delivery nurse.

I was so tired, but I didn't want to fall asleep. I just wanted to hold, hug, kiss and stare at my baby! Afterall, I wouldn't be able to do it much longer. My time with him was limited and I knew that. I had to squeeze a lifetime of Jayce into about 17 hours. I did end up falling asleep for a few hours. I'm glad I did. Because now I can say that I bathed him, changed his diaper, and slept with him and I can keep those memories forever.

Once morning came I knew I had to hand him over soon. I couldn't keep him forever. My mom called the Pastor up, he came and we prayed over him. The Pastor blessed him for us and then I had my last few moments with him. These last few moments were the hardest. They might even be harder than learning that he had died. I had to say goodbye. I had to kiss that precious little Angel and hand him over to the pastor.. so that he could be taken to the morgue.


  1. I bet you cherish those hours!!

  2. i am lost fo wordz...i still remember when u told me about ur worries and i said everything would b ok...little did i knw.
    i still remember not hearing from u and u had me so worried dat i messaged u and i also still remember the reply i got...girl i cant even imagine wut u are/been going thru..but i am so proud of u!! i love u!

  3. Wow. I am sitting here at work reading this, crying, waiting for another hour until I can go pick up my baby from daycare and hung and squeeze her and tell her how much mommy loves her. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss, and can't even imagine what you have been going through. You are a brave woman to open up your heart like this and put everything out there for the world to read. You and your family are in my prayers and I hope that your current pregnancy goes off without a hitch.

  4. Saying goodbye to our boys was the hardest thing in the world to do. I really struggled with telling the nurse we were ready for her to take them... who is ever ready for that? I wanted to keep them both forever. I am glad they gave you so much time with your little one. I am so sorry for your loss.

  5. It is fantastic that you were able to utilize NILMDTS. We did not know about them until about two weeks after our daughter was born. I so wish that we had been able to use their services to supplement that photos that we took with our own camera. It is one of the things were are working to change at our hospital - they apparently have one of their nurses, who does some amateur photography, take pictures under these circumstances. For some reason that was never offered to us, either.