Tuesday, August 25, 2009

How it all started..

In April 2008, my husband and I learned we were expecting another baby. How exciting! At my first appointment we were told the due date was Christmas Day! As usual, I started my daily lovenox injections. It was prophylactic treatment-nothing was wrong. The entire pregnancy was pretty good. I really can't complain about it.

It was getting close to the end of the pregnancy, so it was time to schedule my induction. I was being induced because of the medications (blood thinners) I was on. We set the "big day" for December 18, 2008. We were going to be parents again. How amazing!

On December 2, I had a regular weekly appointment. It was sometime in the morning. I went alone while my husband stayed home with our son. Afterall, it's just going to be a quick appointment. Nothing big. However, I remember going in nervous because I hadn't felt the baby move a whole lot the day before and I was having some very minor contractions-so minor I thought they were just braxton hicks. After the nurse took my blood pressure and all that normal, routine stuff, she asked if baby had been active. I responded. She took me into the room with the non-stress test machine to hook me up.. just to make sure everything was ok. She was trying to find the heartbeat with it, but she was struggling. She searched for about 5 minutes before going to get someone to help. At this point, my heart is racing. I'm not a religious person, but at this point I was asking God to help me. Help the doctors. Please, God, make sure my baby is ok! Make sure his heart is still beating!! The doctor came in the room and the nurse finally found a heartbeat, it was about 135; Doctor put his fingers on my wrist to check my pulse, the 135 the nurse found was mine.. not baby's. We got up and went into the ultrasound room. As the doctor was scanning for a heartbeat my eyes were filling with tears. He went over the heart a few times. It wasn't beating. I could see it. I knew. The doctor shut off the machine, put his hands on mine and said "I'm sorry, there isn't a heartbeat anymore." The tears started rolling. The first thing I asked is "why did this happen".

I went into my doctors actual office, we talked for a minute. He explained what happens now. He asked if I wanted to deliver that day, or wait til the next day. I wanted to do it that day. I had to leave his office alone.. crying. I called my husband. I didn't know what to say. He knew something was wrong by the sound of my voice. I told him to get ready because we are going to the hospital. He asked what was wrong, I told him the baby died.

This blog will be about the pregnancy, birth and memories of our precious Angel. Raw thoughts and feelings about everything. Our lives now, how they have changed. Also, what is in store for us. Through this blog, I hope to meet many other people like us. Other people who have experienced the heartache of losing their baby. I have already met quite a few and they are some of the best ladies every. They know what you go thru day to day. They know the thoughts, the pain and even the happiness of looking at their Angels picture and just remembering.


  1. i am so sorry for your loss and thank you for opening up and sharing your story here. You have been in my thoughts & prayers since I heard about your little Angel back in December. I'll be following along...

  2. oh gosh the story gives me chills, you know it's just so heartbreaking I remember when I had to call Van about Vayden's condition. I'm still so sorry for your loss


  3. I'm very sorry for your loss. I think you are very brave to share this with us. This is also an amazing way for you to honor your loved one's memory.

  4. you are amazing. i have thought about you at least once a week since this happened to you. i'm in awe of your courage and i am sure that other women will find strength through your story.

  5. i remember the day like it was yesterday...our chat rite before you called the hospital...the text i sent you cuz i havent heard from u in a few hours..ur reply...still brings tears to my eyes..i love you guys so much! and i am so so proud of u!! i knw one day i will get to meet your little angel :)