Wondering..

Do you have any friends that have children exactly the same age as your own? If so, do you look at pics of her kids and smile because your children play, act, look, etc., just like hers? One of my friends, CK, has kids the same age as mine. Her son is 2, just a month older than  mine. And her daughter is about to be 1, about a month older than Jayce. I was looking at her pictures the other day and it made me smile, but also made me want to cry. They were pics of her daughter wrestling the brother! It was sooo cute! But it was a bitter sweet feeling. I'm certain that if J were here, he would be wrestling his brother just like that. I would have pictures of them fighting, sitting together, smiling together, playing together.. just being brothers. Something that I will now never have, but yet something I dream of. Now only will I not have this, but DS won't have it either. Right now, instead of playing with mommy, he could be getting tackled by his little brother who would probably not quite yet be walking, but I'm sure would be an outstanding and quick crawler and on his way to walking. She also had pics of her daughters 2 front teeth that just came in. I wonder if J would have those teeth yet or not? DS didn't get teeth til just before he turned one. I wonder if J would be just like DS and be toothless for what seemed like forever!? lol  See all these little things make you sit and wonder about more and more stuff. Such as, what foods would he like right now? What would he just spit right out? Would he be a big boy and sleep through the night.. something his big brother STILL at 2 years old doesn't do!? Would he be a mama's boy or daddy's boy? And of course, what would he look like? I invision  him looking exactly like DS. Big, huge curly hair. Fat, juicy lips. lol And of course thighs that are as big as mine. haha Ok maybe not that big, but DS did have him some thick thighs! I think they would look alot alike. I mean, even looking at their newborn pics, they are IDENTICAL! If it weren't for the difference in skin color in their pics, I probably wouldn't be able to tell them apart!

I love all the wondering I do about him. I think (or at least hope) it's a healthy part of my grieving, but at the same time, I wish I didn't have to wonder. I wish he were right here so I could see, in the flesh, what he is like. See how his personality has grown in the last 10 months.

I haven't had time to blog a whole lot lately, that is why my blog about the walk was so quick. But I wanted to thank everyone who lit a candle for Jayce. And an even bigger thanks to my 2 fabulous friends that made it out to the walk with us. One of them, AG, she's pretty much amazing. On October 15th, when everyone lit the candles, she went above and beyond. Not only did she light a candle, but she put a blue cross into it after she burned it.. She gave it to us the next day along with one of the Willow Tree statues and a card. She really knows how important that day is to me and she did more than she had to. We love them (her and her husband) for that and for just being amazing friends to us (me and dh).

My Walk to Remember Our Son

Today was that walk that I spoke of before. It was called a "Walk To Remember", and it was great. Amazing actually. My husband couldn't go because of work, but I knew that already. A couple of my friends and their children came along. They are a great support system and I can always count on these two friends to be there when I need.. and vice versa. There were another couple of friends that I wanted there, but for some reason unknown to me, they didn't want to come. Whatever though, their perogative, right!? Some mention of it from them would have been nice, but again, whatever. The friends that did come are amazing and I really don't know what I would do without them some days.

Ok, ok, back to the walk! :o) We had a bit of trouble finding the place at first and I thought we were going to be late and possibly miss it, but we got there in time. Thank gosh! When we got there, there were quite a few other people there. I signed in, spoke to some of the staff, got information and wrote a note to our baby on the banner. They had t-shirts and these little necklace things.. they were really cute. Everything was free. I was ready to buy a few t-shirts, but it was donations only. So, of course I donated. At the begining of the walk, a few ppl spoke to us and one woman read a poem. I have it typed up down below. It was good. And a couple tears escaped. I wish my husband could have been there, he's the best person to wipe those escapee tears away!

Once the actual walking began, I was doing pretty good. Normally I walk really slow.. I guess cuz I waddle at this point in the pregnancy? lol Then DS decided to slip out the bottom of his stroller cuz he didn't want to be pushed anymore. He wanted to walk like a "big boy". Well, that slowed us right down to the back of the pack. And of course he had to fall to make us even more behind. Oh well, with the help of the Charleston PD as escorts, we made it to the lake. At the lake there was more talking and then a tiny group sang a song and then the birds were released. I was sort of disappointed about the bird release because we didn't get any warning that they were about to do it. One of the women singing just pointed to some kids and the kids released them. I wanted to have my camera ready so I could take pics, but I pretty much missed the opportunity. I think everyone did. I tried to get a couple, we'll see how they look when I upload them.

That was pretty much it. I spoke to a lady afterwards to get a couple questions answered and to find out about somethings that I have been curious about, she was so nice and helpful. So a day that I expected to be amazing, met my expectations.

Oh later on I will post some pics from the walk!

A Walk To Remember

I walk to remember the steps you'll never take.
 I carry you with me as I firmly plant my feet.

Our trek started long ago, before my belly swelled.
You were a love that grew- like butterfly wings that beat.
Your gentle flutters then became kicks upon which I would dwell.
And I would talk to you, sweet baby, about the world you soon would meet.

The sun always shone upon us then- when you were in my womb.
And I was eager to show you the world that would have been your home.
How you'd have loved the sun shining- blue skies without a cloud.
The autumn leaves turning-the snow falling all around.
The flowers in the summer- would have filled your eyes with smiles.
And the rain that might have fallen would have caused you great suprise.

You would have traveled far with me- holding me by the hand, And I'd have shown you all I could- more that I can imagine.

You hold my HEART tightly now, as though we're holding hands.
How far we've traveled, little one- and my life with you has been sweet.
For I carry you in my heart, as I firmly plant my feet.

October 15th, 2009

Sometimes I forget what I have already said in my blog. I don't go over it very often. I just sit here and type away, so if things get repeated or some things are very random and not making sense, sorry! Tomorrow is October 15th. To most that is just another day in October. To us, however, it is a day with meaning. It is a day dedicated to our son whom was taken away from us waaaaay to soon. We will, of course, celebrate his birthday amongst our family, but october 15th is a day that is nationally dedicated to him.. and all the other babies that were obviously much, much to beautiful to be on this earth for long. October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. The 15th is the specific day for it. All month long, all around the country, there have been different walks set up for the babies. I hope that all my friends and family have participate or will participate in an upcoming walk this month. I don't know how all the other "walks" are being set up, but I know the one here in Charleston will be great. After the walk, I believe it's a short walk, there is a small ceremony where they release birds over the lake.. and just remember. I am SO excited to be going. I can't wait to remember Jayce with some friends and some complete strangers.

For the friends that are attending this with us, it means alot. Even if I don't know how to show you that, it really does. And we love you for coming!

So tomorrow, thursday october 15 at 7pm don't forget to light your candles. I know it seems like something so small, something so simple. But it really is a big deal for us. Just knowing that you support us and what we have been through, means the world.

What might have been

When I was pregnant I was so excited to be bringing another baby home soon. We were so happy and just so ready for our family to be complete so we could move on to that next chapter, whatever that was. We both wanted him to be a boy so badly. I think because I wanted our other son, DS, to have a playmate close to his age. I wanted to watch them play and grow together. I wanted them to have that bond that only two brothers can have. We definately got the boy we wanted, but that was where our wishes and dreams with him ended. We can't wish for him to be like his daddy. We can't wish for him to be a big strong football player. We can only think of "what might have been." I do still think and wonder "what might have been" with him.. and I do it often. Sometimes it makes me laugh. I can just imagine him and DS going crazy together. Gosh, I wish I could see it in more than just my imagination..

Shortly after we had him, I had this over-whelming need for another child. I thought about getting pregnant everyday. My husband and I decided to just let whatever will happen, happen. Meaning, we weren't going to try prevent pregnancy, but we weren't going to try get pregnant.. if that makes sense? Trying is just stressful and we all know I didn't need anymore of that. We also decided that if I wasn't pregnant by April 2009 that he would go get the big "V". April is a big month for us, I guess that is why I chose April. DS was born in april and J was conceived in april.. Well, April came and went and guess what happened? I got pregnant again! Another December baby is on the way!

There is only about a 2 week difference in Jayce's due date and this baby's due date. So this whole pregnancy has been like deja vu to me. With Jayce, my husband was deployed the whole summer. This time, he was deployed again. With Jayce, we moved into a bigger house. This time, we moved into ANOTHER bigger house! Just so many similarities. I remember going places last year while I was pregnant.. like certain holiday or seasonal festivities, and now I'm going to those again.. pregnant! This month we are going to the pumpkin patch. We went last year too. I was all huge and pregnant with Jayce, but I still had so much fun.. going down the big ol' blow-up slide things with DS! Getting up and off that slide wasn't as much fun!




All these "deja vu" moments are great. I really enjoy them. I like thinking back and remembering all the fun we had while pregnant with Jayce. Little things that I may (or may not) otherwise remember if I weren't pregnant now. In doing all these fun things again this year, though, I wish Jayce was joining us. I wish he would be in our Fall pictures this year. I wish we could all paint the pumpkins we choose from the pumpkin patch together. This year he will just have to watch over us while we do it. We will paint a special pumpkin just for Jayce.

10 months-already??

It's been 10 months since I was last able to hold our son. Can you imagine having a baby that is 10 months old (or would be 10 months old) and only holding him for less than 24 hours? Going 10 months without a single kiss or hug from him? Seems unimaginable. We've done just that, though. I think it is amazing how many women you meet that also share this "story" with you. People that you have never and would never otherwise meet. People that share your feelings. Your pain. People that have also had to force a smile on to their face when it seemed ooohhhh soooooo wrong! I'm so thankful to have met them.

We have grown so much since December 2008. On the internet, shortly after J died, I read that the majority of couples who lose a baby will divorce. We were so determined that we wouldn't have anymore heartache in our lives and wouldn't let it break us apart. A divorce certainly would have been more heartache-for both of us. We are certain that our son wouldn't want that anyway. Now we are in such a different place. A place within our marriage that I am so glad we found. It is truely amazing, not that it wasn't amazing before, but now it is just a different kind of amazing. During this "journey" of ours, many of the women I have met have divorced, seperated or their relationship just took a turn for the worse. I wish that things would change for all of them. I guess maybe it is the way people deal with their own grief that has a toll on their marriage.

This october is the first october for us to have so much meaning. October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Specifically October 15. At 7pm that day, your local time, we are asking that everyone light a candle. Light a candle for your baby that you have lost. If you are fortunate enough to have all of your babies living, light a candle for our son, Jayce-and his many friends he's made up there. If you can, find a walk.. a rememberance walk. We are taking part in a walk here on October 18th. If anyone wants to join us, we would love to have you. It will be a walk with a small ceremony where they will release birds over the lake. It will be beautiful. I can't wait! I am really excited about this.

Well, it is sooooooooo bedtime here.

~Missing our Baby~