What might have been

When I was pregnant I was so excited to be bringing another baby home soon. We were so happy and just so ready for our family to be complete so we could move on to that next chapter, whatever that was. We both wanted him to be a boy so badly. I think because I wanted our other son, DS, to have a playmate close to his age. I wanted to watch them play and grow together. I wanted them to have that bond that only two brothers can have. We definately got the boy we wanted, but that was where our wishes and dreams with him ended. We can't wish for him to be like his daddy. We can't wish for him to be a big strong football player. We can only think of "what might have been." I do still think and wonder "what might have been" with him.. and I do it often. Sometimes it makes me laugh. I can just imagine him and DS going crazy together. Gosh, I wish I could see it in more than just my imagination..

Shortly after we had him, I had this over-whelming need for another child. I thought about getting pregnant everyday. My husband and I decided to just let whatever will happen, happen. Meaning, we weren't going to try prevent pregnancy, but we weren't going to try get pregnant.. if that makes sense? Trying is just stressful and we all know I didn't need anymore of that. We also decided that if I wasn't pregnant by April 2009 that he would go get the big "V". April is a big month for us, I guess that is why I chose April. DS was born in april and J was conceived in april.. Well, April came and went and guess what happened? I got pregnant again! Another December baby is on the way!

There is only about a 2 week difference in Jayce's due date and this baby's due date. So this whole pregnancy has been like deja vu to me. With Jayce, my husband was deployed the whole summer. This time, he was deployed again. With Jayce, we moved into a bigger house. This time, we moved into ANOTHER bigger house! Just so many similarities. I remember going places last year while I was pregnant.. like certain holiday or seasonal festivities, and now I'm going to those again.. pregnant! This month we are going to the pumpkin patch. We went last year too. I was all huge and pregnant with Jayce, but I still had so much fun.. going down the big ol' blow-up slide things with DS! Getting up and off that slide wasn't as much fun!




All these "deja vu" moments are great. I really enjoy them. I like thinking back and remembering all the fun we had while pregnant with Jayce. Little things that I may (or may not) otherwise remember if I weren't pregnant now. In doing all these fun things again this year, though, I wish Jayce was joining us. I wish he would be in our Fall pictures this year. I wish we could all paint the pumpkins we choose from the pumpkin patch together. This year he will just have to watch over us while we do it. We will paint a special pumpkin just for Jayce.