Two Years Old.. just a few days late.

On Wednesday, December 1st, I made a very last minute decision to drive to Orlando to see my sister who was there for a work conference. I took the 2 little kids with me. My husband and the oldest girl had to stay home due to work and gymnastics obligations. It was a nice trip.. and I enjoyed seeing my sister who I only get to see about once a year or less. The majority of my ride there, I was thinking about the next day.. December 2. Which of course is J's birth/angel day. I was hoping it would be a good day. Especially since I would be spending it without my husband. It's such a tough day.. A day you really need your spouse! The day came, and it was great. I started out shopping with the kids while my sister was at her conference and ended it shopping.. then eating pizza at the (super nice) hotel that we were in on Disney property. My mom and (other) sister let us know that they were thinking about us and that is always nice.

Once night time hit and my sister and the kids were asleep, things changed a little bit. I couldn't sleep. The wheels in my head kept turning and turning and turning. Two years ago, that night, I was laying in my hospital bed, crying.. holding and trying to sleep with our dead son.. also trying to keep him warm. That was the sort of thoughts I was having. Just reliving it all.. Not that I want to relive it, but it's such a huge day, it's hard not to. Somedays, like that night, when I think about this I wish I would wake up. Wake up and realize that this is just a 2 year nightmare I've been having. Anyone care to pinch me??

Walking to Remember.. and coincidences!

So a couple months ago I ordered pizza. I ordered from a place we've only had once, prior to this time. When the pizza man got here, he immediately commented on my tattoo. He was surprised and thought it was so cool. He then told me that his girlfriend has footprints on her back.. for her brother who was born still. I told him that my feet were our sons, who was also born still. He paused for a minute after our brief exchange of words, money and pizza and said that he wished his girlfriend was able to talk about her brother without crying, like I can. He said I seemed to be in such a better place than she is, and he admires that.

Later that same night, I was chatting with one of my bff's, AG. She got on me about not blogging lately. Then, before bed that night, I went into the garage to get a coke out of the fridge and there was a big, beautiful feather! For those who may not know, feathers are your baby's way of saying "hi mom, i'm here.."! So, for me, that day was FULL of J! He was all over me that day and it completely made my week a great one. I love days like those. Just recently I had to go pick AS up from gymnastics. My husband was going to a movie with his friend, so I would be coming home to an empty house. When I got home, another big, pretty feather INSIDE my house! Times like those make me say "YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!" to myself! I love it.

More recently, we attended our second annual 'Walk to Remember'. A few of our friends were able to go with us to support us and remember J. The walk was great. A perfect day for a walk. A big thank you to our friends that were there!

With halloween creeping up on us again, I can't help but to think about what J would have been this year. With his brother being spiderman AGAIN this year (his choice, not mine), I think I would have had J dressed up as venom! lol How cute would they be together!?

From here on out, our year is going to be crazy. Crazier than it's already been! I hope all my followers have been well and I'm so happy for those of you that have either had your rainbow babies, or those coming soon! Like I've said before, those rainbow babies sure are amazing!

<3

one of those days..

Today is just "one of those days". I'm not sure why, as I haven't had a day like this in quite some time. Maybe it's the quiteness in the house? Maybe it's the wine I've had tonight? Or maybe if we mix those two things up, add in a little time to think and reflect, you come out with a day, or should I say NIGHT, like this.

The day J was born, I bought a baby bjorn from some lady on craigslist. I met her in the parking lot of bi-lo right before I went in for my appointment. I thought I got rid of it, but apparently my husband found it about a week ago. Along with MORE clothes!!!!! Where did the clothes come from! I swear to you all, I've thought that I got rid of all the boy clothes.. a few seperate times. There are MORE! lol I want to use the bjorn, but for some reason, I'm scared to use it! It's like I think it's cursed or something. I know this is crazy, trust me, I know. As soon as DH gets home I am going to have him take it out of where ever he found it so I can use it. I WILL use it.

I put some pictures up on facebook today.. of J. This is the first time I have done this. I've always felt like they are MY pics... and I don't wanna share them. Today though, I just want everyone looking at him. I want everyone to see how super gorgeous he is. Now while I look at pics, him and O look a lot alike. They have the same crazy cawlick that drives me CRAZZZZZZZZZZZZZY!

I see I have new followers. I wonder how ya'll found me?? I assume most have had their own loss.. I want to hear your story. I love meeting new people like me. I hate WHY we meet, but I love the understanding...

So much, but so little!

I haven't abandoned this blog or all my readers! I feel like I say this in every blog lately, but I'm SO BUSY! I don't have time for anything! Anyway, I found more of J's clothes. Crazy! Good thing about this, I now have 2 sisters that are having babies. One is for sure having a boy, the other doesn't know the sex yet. I sent the clothes up to the younger of the two sisters. So soon I will be seeing one (or two) of my NEW nephews in J's clothes! I can't wait.

Lately I compare pics of J with pics of O. They look EXACTLY the same. I thought D and J looked alike, but the comparison with J and O is just unreal. They both have the same cawlick. The same eyes, nose, EVERYTHING. It's almost scary! I love it though. They could be twins! lol

Hope everyone is doing well and all my fellow baby lost mom's are healing and doing well! Do any of the other mama's have any rainbow babies on the way?? I know a couple of my friends do and it's SO amazing! I can't wait for them to be born. One of my friends is pregnant with TWINS! 2 lil' rainbow babies!!!

On my way to dream the best dreams of J...

I love this..

Dear Mommy & Daddy,

I see you each time you shed a tear,

I catch it and kiss you, I hope that you know that I'm near.
This place is so beautiful, There's so much to see!
I know that someday you'll be here with me.
The angels were singing when I arrived!
Jesus was there with His arms open wide!
The snow and the rain are just my confetti.
I know you'll be coming and I want to be ready.
When you feel the wind, it's me walking by.
I can run and skip now, I can even fly!
When the blossoms and leaves fall into your hair,
It's me planting kisses, yes, I put them there!
The birds are singing to keep you company,
They're especially for you with love from me.
I know that you miss me and feel so alone,
Until the great day when you finally come home
Please remember as the seasons change from one to another,
I'll always love you. You're my friend and my mother.

15 months

Today marks 15 months since our son grew wings and flew off to heaven! Can you believe it? I sure can't! I often wonder what life would be like right now if he were here. I would have a newborn, 1 year old and 2 year old all running round, screaming, playing, fighting, crying!!! Oh and can you imagine the diapers??? YIKES!! Three kids under 2 years old? That instantly equals an insane mommy! A title I wouldn't mind having! lol

So much has happened in the 15 months since J got his pretty little wings. It's amazing. We were ripped apart by his death, but we were blessed with so much also. I'm sure I've said this is a prior blog, but I think this sort of loss will either make or break your marriage. I'm so glad that ours was strengthened so much. We agreed that we were in it for good times and bad.. we definately stuck to our word. I love my husband and our children so much!

I am very happy with the way I have dealt with losing our son. I am happy that I don't have "those days" to often. I am happy that I can be happy on a daily basis, but still miss J. I love being able to think of him each day without a complete breakdown. I know quite a few babylost women who breakdown often and it's so sad. I wish their heart would heal easier. And yes, I do think of him everyday. I talk about him nearly everyday. I see his pictures hanging on the wall all day. And I miss him each and every second of each and everyday. I guess I just found a great way to handle such huge loss.

After Christmas I went through all of our baby stuff. I decided it was time to donate all of our baby boy stuff. There were a few things of J's that I kept, but 98% of it was donated. I won't be able to use it, may as well let somebody else.. Like I said, I kept a few of the things that were J's. You always keep a few items from each child, right!? :o) Well a couple weeks ago I was cleaning out our master closet and I seen a big blue bin. I had no idea what was in it. Upon opening it, more baby boy stuff! In this blue bin was all the REALLY CUTE, newborn baby boy stuff (and a couple of big boy outfits). I died going through it. It was all of my favorite stuff from DS that we saved for J. All the stuff that I couldn't wait to see him in! I went through this bin-piece by piece. Just looking at it all. Imagining our super cute baby boy in them. Each piece. It was heartbreaking for me. Again. Another heartbreak. Another one of those days, which for me come few and far between (thankfully), that I just wanna scream WHY US, why our son!?!?!? After I finished looking at each piece, I knew I had to also donate those clothes. I can't use them, so someone less fortunate should be able to, right? It seems fair. I did take out the 3 big boy outfits in there. I'm going to let lil miss O wear them when she's big enough. They aren't TOTALLY boyish.. one is like a sweatsuit type thing (i think thats what you call it). It's light blue and I think it'll be cute on her once she can fit it. It'll be a long while. I think it's size 18 months. I will be sure to post a pic when she fits it though.

Missing J extra tonight...

My doctor is amazing

I feel like January and February just slipped right by! With so much going on around here I haven't had time for anything! I am coming up on 15 months since J left us and just past that 7 week mark that O joined us. I had my 6 week post-partum check up yesterday. I requested that my appt be with Dr.M. I love her. She's my favorite doc at the practice. She wasn't the doc who delivered J, but she was the doc who admitted me the day I went in to deliver him and she was a huge part of my pregnancy with O-also her delivering doctor. While I was pregnant, I seen her quite a bit (versus the other docs there). We always talked.. she would ask questions and I would answer. And I kid you not, EVERYTIME I seen her, we both got tears. I'm not sure why that happens with her? I normally don't get like that. Maybe it's because she asks questions that no one else asks? Or maybe I feel safe with her.. like I can cry and it's ok? She knows the pain I went through. Not through personal experience (that I know of), but just by seeing me and growing with me through it all. She's a doctor with a heart and I love that about her. She seems to care alot and put more than her "MD" into her appointment.

DH and I are done having children. We are both excited to be done and move on into new chapters. With that being said, I am so sad that I won't be going to the doctors office on a twice weekly basis anymore. I've had such a huge relationship with them since 2006. They were apart of the happiest days of my life as well as the saddest days of my life. Now it's like BOOM they are not gonna be a part of my life at all really! I'm having seperation anxiety or something. How crazy is that? I wonder if other baby loss mommies go through this? Maybe I need to try get a job there or something. Shoot, I think I've been around that place more than some of the employees.. lol

Life is calling me back to reality now. I will be back to blog more... and it won't take so long to get back and do it this time!!

Go and vote for "Stillbirth-Stop The Madness"!!!!

If you guys could vote for the "Stillbirth- Stop the maddness" I would greatly appreciate it! Go to the link and on the side click on womens health, then 'stillbirth stop the madness'.


VOTE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(copied from another site)

Dear Stillbirth Mommies & Friends,

We have just submitted the suggestion of Stillbirth Research & Education for a segment on the NBC program The Doctor’s.

Now we need your help!

The most popular segments are selected for production – please go to the website below and vote for this suggestion. Ask your friends to vote frequently and get the word out. This would be a tremendous opportunity to gain the awareness that we need. PLEASE put the voting information on your respective websites. Copy this message and send to everyone in your address books.


 VOTE HERE!!!

look for the following submission. It is categorized under Women’s Health.


Stillbirth – Stop the Madness!

THANK YOU!!!

We were on the news!

Last month I mentioned that my NILMDTS photographer contacted me about a news show. Well, today was the day that we were live on the air! Any readers here that live in the Charleston, SC area??? You may have already seen it if you were watching My News 2 today!! I was nervous, but not to bad. I kept wondering exactly what the news lady, Tara, was going to ask! I wanted to "plan" how I would answer. haha I'm glad I didn't know and I couldn't plan, that would have been so embarassing! lol When we got there today (I had to take both kids with me) we were takin' to the sitting room. We waited a while-until right before show time. Then we were taken into the studio. It was pretty cool. We got to see where they do the news everyday. It was different than I had imagined it in my mind! D came into the studio with us and I held Miss O for the entire segment. D was so good, he just sat to the side, ate his cookies and watched his 'almost famous' mom on tv!! lol I had to bring the kids with me because the night before my husband got last minute notice that he was going to Haiti. It all turned out great though. Here is a link for the news segment!
Our News Segment!!

You can hear Miss O making her lil baby noises the entire time. So cute! Also, throughout the segment they showed some of our NILMDTS pics. Love it! Enjoy!

How did this card get there??

While I was in the hospital after having J, the nurses put together a little memorial box for me. I guess that is what mommies like me get to bring home instead of a baby. I think I talked about it briefly in a previous blog. I've looked in it before, but not much. Most of the time when I have opened it I just looked at the stuff on top. I guess I never really dug to the bottom. Today, I was sorting through some of his stuff and I went into the box. I took everything out and just looked at it all.. and read some of it too. It's been just over a year now and I finally now just noticed a card in the box from all the nurses. How, for an entire year, could I miss that card? After I left the hospital, I am almost certain that I looked at EVERYTHING in the box. So how did this card get there? I know it had to of been there, but I can't believe that I didn't see it til now. I guess it just goes to show where your mind is when you initially try to sort through stuff!

Also, while looking at his stuff, I tried to go through all the sympathy cards that were sent to us during that time. I read one, but that was as much as I could read. Reading them is SO HARD! I've tried to read them a few times this past year, but each time I only get through one. They are so emotional. I guess it's one of the things in life that just doesn't get easier at all. Our new normal...

"since there was no birth.."

It's been a while since I've gotten angry regarding J. Today that changed. We went to speak with the casualty lady on base to have her help us with some paperwork. Throughout our conversation, she told me about 5 times  that "there was no birth.." or "since there was no birth.." or something similar. The first time she said it, I thought ok, maybe she meant to say "there was no live birth..", but she kept on with her non-sense of "there was no birth"!!!!!!!!!! I can understand if she said there wasn't a live birth, because there wasn't. But really, no birth? Really? Seriously? OK!? I promise you, casualty lady, there was a birth. Even though I had an epidural, it only numbed the contractions.. I felt every part of J's BIRTH. To be sure I'm not nuts, I had to look up "birth". Yep, I'm right. There was indeed a birth. Maybe not a live birth, but a birth indeed.

Sorry, but I wanted to pick up this womans desk and throw it at her. I wanted to say something to her so bad, but I knew we needed her help and I know me.. when I am angry about something, I have a hard time saying things nicely. So, I had to just shut up. As hard for me as that is...

I don't know why this woman doesn't choose her words more wisely. Ahhhhhhh! Of course her office was the first place we went today, so she set the tone for the rest of our day. Today was such a shitty day and I blame it on her.

I guess there was alot for me to get out today.. since I blogged twice today. I haven't done that for a while. Hope ya'll had a better day than me!!

Kisses to J tonight..

Group Time!

In October, I attended the Walk To Remember. While I was there I was informed of a support group that is held here. I've never been able to attend because my husband works evenings and of course his day off isn't on the meeting days. Since he's on leave for baby O, he had one of the meeting days off. So, this past monday I was able to attend my first meeting. I've never needed a "support group" for anything.. ever. This, of course, is different though. I thought I would be nervous going into it, but I wasn't. Before I got there, I got lost! This building is cleverly hiden and I drove around FOREVER trying to find it. Once I found the parking lot, I couldn't find where I was supposed to go! lol I had to call my husband, have him go into my email and open up the message from the lady that puts it all together and give me her cell phone number. I called her and found where I was supposed to be.  I was late, but super determined to find this meeting! I'm glad I did! Once I got in there, there was 1 baby lost couple and then a baby lost mommy. All three people were great. They told me their stories and we just talked. When one of the ladies was telling her story, she was so upset.. and had tears. Listening to someone's story when they cry is so hard. Seeing the raw emotion in her was so sad. Now I know how it was (and still is, sometimes) for other people when I tell them my story. I don't cry often when talking about it, occasionally I do though. I'm not a hugging type person, but I really did just want to reach across the table and hug her. I hope they get their rainbow baby soon.. because they are trying. Everyone say a prayer that they get the precious baby soon. I would love to go to a meeting one day and hear her announce that she is pregnant!!!!

I hope to be able to attend another one of the meetings soon. Talking about our babies was so healing.. and comforting. It's so nice to talk to real people with the same "new normal" as you. Nobody understands like another baby lost mommy (and daddy). Talking to your friends is nice, but this is just different.

Questions and worries

Ever since my post about the life insurance thing, I've had quite a few people ask me if I've done it yet. When I tell them no, some will ask why not. My answer, more times than not, is "i don't know". The real answer, and I hope the people that ask these stupid questions are reading.. First of all, it sucks. I don't WANT to file any death claim for my child. I'm going to, but on my own time. When I'm ready. Second of all, to me, it's confusing. I don't know exactly what to do. I don't know who to ask. I just don't know. So, please stop worrying about it, it will get done.. when we are ready.

Also, lots of people have been asking about the "rainbow baby" thing. Mostly, "what is a rainbow baby?" A Rainbow Baby is a baby born after your loss. After your "storm" you will always recieve a "rainbow". Baby O is our Rainbow.

Tonight, a friend was contacted to go take pics for another baby lost family. I am so sad about this. I don't know the family at all, but I wish I could reach out to this poor new mommy. In my own little world, I would like to think that I am the only one in the world that has lost their baby. I would like to think it will never happen to anyone else... cuz the pain is just to much. I know how this woman feels all to well. I wonder why this happens so often? I wish it would stop. I wish there was a magic cure. So sad.

I've talked about the loss of innocense in pregnancy after a loss in a prior blog. I thought once the rainbow baby is born, all those fears and worries leave. I was wrong. I find myself OBSESSING about things that can go wrong. Mostly about SIDS. I don't remember obsessing about this with the other kids. Sure, I thought about it once in a while, but what I do now is just crazy. Most people are glad when bedtime hits.. they get to lay in bed and rest their eyes until baby's next feeding. Not me! I dread bedtime. I would rather stay up all night just to watch her and make sure she's ok. I don't get sleep anymore.. and it doesn't have very much to do with how much baby O wakes up to eat. I am so much more protective over her than I ever have been of any of the other kids. Will this ever stop or get easier? Is this normal after a loss? Anxiety? What in the world?? I can't stand it. Ei ei ei!!! Hopefully it doesn't last long. Because I am sooo tired. I WANT to sleep. It's just hard.

'Til next time!