They had his WHAT in their hands??

Have you ever read an autopsy report? Or even seen one? The day we got ours was quite mortifying for me. It was another one of those things that you think you are ready for, but really you aren't ready at all. I went through the whole thing, page by page. It took me hours. I would read a little and take a break. Then read some more. Then after I finished it, I read it again. All the while I'm over thinking every, single part of it. In the report, it tells you how much his brain weighed. To me, that meant that they held my son's brain in their hands. It was one of those OMFG moments for me. Who wants to think about that? I want to think of all his parts inside him, in the correct spots. I mean, I know they have to do all this in the autopsy, but I guess I didn't realize it til I was reading it.

We didn't get any answers from the autopsy. Well, nothing besides he was healthy. Everything about him was 'right'. Which, quite honestly drives me fucking nuts. If he's so healthy and everything was so right, why isn't he here? Why isn't he waking me in the middle of the night and making me extremely sleep deprived. I know his brother does a darn good job of it, but they could double team me and make it even worse. That's what I wanted.

You know, they say that this "just happens" sometimes. And there are no answers. You know what else "just happens" though? Cancer. How many foundations are out there trying to find a cure or prevent cancer? Compare that to how many foundations are out there trying to find prevention for stillbirth? It doesn't even compare. What about child molestation or kidnapping? That "just happens" too. Yet, that isn't so 'hush' like Stillbirth is.

A Pair Of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Eachday i wear them, and each day i wish i had another pair. Somedays my shoes hurt so bad that i do not think i can take another step. Yet, i continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize i am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they dont hurt quite as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes.Yet, because of these shoes i am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who i am. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

He's the frame, I'm the picture..

Dh and I had to decide what to do with Jayce. Did we want to bury him? Cremate him? Hard choice for some, but for us, it was rather easy. Being in the military of course we move alot. We aren't "home". Right now I don't even think we know where "home" is. So burying him was pretty much out of the question. I wouldn't want to bury him here, knowing we would eventually leave. We have nothing here in this state, so we don't ever care to come back once we are gone. With that in mind, we chose to cremate our son.

After his memorial, of course they take the body to be cremated. Then we wait for the phone call telling us to come and pick him up. I was so anxious and ready to get that call... or so I thought. Once the call from the funeral home came and told us we could come anytime.. he was ready to be picked up, I was still so ready to get him. I went alone. I don't really remember why I went alone. I'm sure I just wanted to go for a drive or something, because during those days I loved just going for a ride and listening to J's CD.. the CD played at his memorial. Driving and crying was good medicine for me.. yes, the sunglasses were always on! :o) Anyway, once I got to the funeral home I went in there all brave and feeling good. Then I got to the desk and told the nice old lady what I was there for. She went to get someone to help me and they couldn't find my son!!! So I had to sit and wait.. While waiting I had this overwhelming feeling of anxiety come over me. I instantly went into panic mode and OMG I was all alone. Finally the director came to get me. He had this tiny white box in his hands along with J's gown and a couple other things for me. We talked for a few moments and then I left. When I got into our car I opened the box and instantly broke down. I thought I was ready for that day. I wasn't. In the box was a little baggy with ashes and a coin. I wasn't ready. I wanted that box and that baggy to turn back into a baby. How could this be me? How could this be my life? How can I be the one that loses her son, when there are so many ghetto, trailer trash hoes that have babies that shouldn't. And we know damn well they shouldn't. So really, why me? Why us?

I got home and I was so upset. My husband was home when i got there. I am so thankful for him. I know that this time was hard for both of us, but he was so strong. He was absolutely everything that I needed during these times and I love him so much more for how he handled everything. I am positive that I wouldn't be where I am in this grieving process if it wasn't for him. Honestly, I think I would still be majorly medicated.. just lying in bed. Pretty much good for nothing.

My husband has always said that he is the frame and I'm the picture. He'll always be there to hold me up. And boy did he prove that to me these past 9 months! I love him so much.

9 months later..

9 months later and I still remember everything as if it were yesterday. 9 months later and I miss him more than ever. 9 months later and I still, every night, think about the morning of December 2nd. I remember every feeling I had.



You know when your baby is cold you cover them up more and maybe put a hat on them. Put socks on if they don't already have them..? After I had Jayce, he was cold. Without thinking about it, I tried to make him warm. I bundled him up a little tighter. I made sure his socks were still on. I put a blanket over us, as he was laying on me. He never got warmer though. It wasn't until a few weeks later that I remembered that I did that. Of course by this time I knew why he wasn't getting warmer, but in the hospital it didn't click. After your baby dies your whole thought process is screwed up. You do things without realizing. You say things you may not otherwise say. At least for me, this was how it was.



2 months after his birth, I got a tattoo for him.. and me.

That is Jayce's footprints. I put them on my foot. For me, it means he is ALWAYS walking next to/with me. Whenever I look down, I see him. People ask me about this tattoo all the time. The normal first question that they will ask is "is that a real tattoo?" Sometimes I wanna say "no, I dip my baby's feet in ink everyday and stamp them onto me". lol But of course I just tell them it is real. Then they usually think it's my 2 year olds feet, to which I correct them and tell them it's his baby brother's feet! From there the conversation usually goes one of two ways. They either tell me how much they love it or they ask questions about "baby brother". I LOVE when they ask questions! As I may have said in an earlier blog, I love when people ask about him. I completely love talking about him. And I LOVE my tattoo!

When you walk in my house there is a frame that has 6 pictures of Jayce in it. This is my way of him saying goodbye to me everytime I leave the house and greeting me when I come back home. I guess to some, it may sound strange, but to those same people you've never dealt with this.. Of course I have the pic on my nightstand also. As my friend, SS said, I just wish I could add pics to the ones I have. You know, like the 3 months, 6 month and 1 year photos you get taken of your kids?

The 2nd of every month seems to usually be a bit more difficult for me than other days. However, this one is going by very smooth. I am very much at ease on this day. Of course I miss my baby more than ever. I am certain that he joined us at the park today though. What I wouldn't give for him to be PHYSICALLY there though.. so I could see and touch him.

Our last look...

The feeling of giving birth and then coming home without a baby is a feeling that I will never be able to describe. I don't get to try figure out his feeding schedule and his sleeping schedule. Instead, I get to figure out where to have his memorial. Which day and what time? I have to see who will be able to come and who won't. After all, we are in the military and away from ALL family.

I believe the nurse gave my mom some suggestions on funeral homes. My mom called them and scheduled us to meet with them. The meeting was the following day. We went and met with them. What do you think it's like planning something like this for your own baby? Wait, don't even try to realize what it would be like. You can't, unless you've done it. We went over quite a bit at the funeral home. Most of which I don't even remember anymore, because of those meds. I do, however, remember that they had some fantastic homemade molasses cookies! Now whenever I eat of a molasses cookie I think of Jayce and then the funeral home.. We got all the plans done, then had the task of going home and letting everyone know when and where.


We wanted him in a special outfit. So that day we went out searching for one. I knew just the store. I had walked by it many times, but never went in. We head out to that store. I kept my sunglasses on the whole time. I definately needed the sunglasses to hide my face. lol My eyes were NOT pretty. I had rolls on my eyelids from crying so much! In the store, the clerk was an older woman, she was helpful and asked what we were looking for. I started bawling and said 'ask her', meaning ask my mom. My mom told her what we were looking for and that poor woman almost started crying too. She said she was so, so sorry. She found us the PERFECT gown for him. She hugged us before we left and apologized again. Nice woman.

The day after that DH and I were meeting with the chaplain from his work. He was a fantastic man. We asked him to come and speak at the memorial, he very willingly accepted. He also told us that some of DH's bosses wanted to be there for us. DH told the Chaplain that he didn't want them there, but then changed his mind.

Somewhere in these days my sister, TL, was able to come down. I don't remember when, but I do remember picking her up. I hadn't seen her in about a year, so it was nice to see her. Obviously the reason for the visit was the worst, but I was happy to see her and happy she was able to be there for me and my husband. She brought a bunch of gifts with her from some of my family that weren't able to come. My other sister, KL, wasn't able to come. She was sick and the doctor wouldn't allow her to fly. She was so upset about not being able to come. She had good reason though. She always called to check up on all of us. She was great during this time.

December 6 was finally here. It was a saturday. The day of the memorial. When I woke up that morning, I dont' remember crying at all. I was able to shower and get ready so I could look good when that little boy, that little angel was looking at me. I remember my pants being a bit to long, so my sister bobby pinned them up for me! haha it worked like a charm! All of our family that was able to come, met at our house first. Then we all drove to the funeral home together. When i walked in the door, the funeral director grabbed me and brought me into a special little room. It was Jayce lying in there. He told me to take my time and when I was ready, everyone else could come in.

That's exactly how he was when I walked in. Oh My God. Aboslutely GORGEOUS! I'm not sure how long we were in there before we allowed everyone else in. I needed some time though. As everyone came in, their eye's instantly filled with tears. They all hugged us and said "sorry" or something of the sort. I honestly don't think any of them had ever seen a dead baby. But gosh, he looked so alive. So beautiful! How could something so sweet actually be dead?

After everyone was in the room the funeral director pushed Jayce into the other room, where the Chaplain was going to speak to all of us. They left the casket opened as I asked. I don't remember one word that the Chaplain spoke, actually, I didn't even hear him. I mean he was loud enough, but there were so many other things going through my mind that I just couldn't hear him.. Like, why me? Why my husband? Why our baby? This was our last look..

Once it was all said and over, everyone went back to my house. My mom put some food together for everyone so that we could all just relax. It was great. My mom helped us so much.

Gosh I miss him...

I can't breath!!!

What do you do after you give your baby to a man you've never met, so that this man can carry your baby to a morgue.. and leave him there? Is there a certain way you should act or feel? Do you say anything to the man, the pastor? Or do you just let him walk away? What about after they are gone from view? You think your world has already fallen apart, but for me, at that moment, it got worse. There were a few times after I had Jayce that I felt like I couldn't breath. This was one of those times. My breath was completely taken away and I felt like I was gasping for air. I was crying, telling everyone "I can't breath, help me". The nurse on the oncology floor was sort of a bitch. She would just say "yes you can". The nurse on the l/d floor would help me til my breathing was normal again..

After the pastor left with him, the only thing left for me was to wait and get discharged. The doctor came up, talked to me a bit, prescribed me some meds that I desperately needed and home I went. An empty carseat and crib awaited me at home.

Before I left I had to decide if I wanted an autopsy done. I said no at first. Then we thought about it and my mom gave her opinion. We decided that we should get one. If we don't, we may always wonder if an autopsy would have given us any answers. There were so many hard decisions to make. Shouldn't the hardest decision be what to name the baby and whether or not to circumsize?? I wish that was all I had to think about...

The hours after birth..

My husband was deployed for about half of my pregnancy, so we didn't really have a whole lot of time to come up with names. Sure, we would email each other back and forth with names here and there, but for the most part, it waited until he got home. Even then, we couldn't find a name that we both agreed on. I remember him coming up with some of the funniest names. Ok, they weren't that funny, but they certainly weren't my type of name. I found the name Jayce, we both liked it, but we were unsure if that was the name.

So, around 8pm on Dec 2, 2008; The baby was born. There were no loud cries like there should be. Pure silence. My sleeping Angel is laid on my chest. Could he possibly be any cuter? The nurse took him and did the usual, weight, height, etc. He was 5lbs 11oz. 19 1/2 inches long. He had so much hair, just like his brother! It's amazing how much they looked alike!

Let me back track a minute. Before I had him, the nurse came in and told me that there is a wonderful organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. She told me that they will come and do rememberance photography for families who's babies have or will pass. She asked if I wanted her to contact them to come up to the hospital. Of course, we said ABSOLUTELY!

Very shortly after Jayce was born, NILMDTS showed up. They were so kind and so gentle. They knew exactly what to do and how. Mike, our photographer, took so many wonderful photos. I will be forever greatful for those photos and for Mike. What an amazing person to take time out of his day to help people like me capture precious moments like these.

The nurse brought in a little bath for Jayce. I get to bathe him! I'm so excited. While I was washing him he pooped. haha I didn't realize what it was, because you know a babies first poop is that black, gooey stuff? So, I grabbed ahold of it and asked the nurse "what is this"?? lol So embarassing! She told me what it was, then I felt stupid. I guess I just didn't realize that my baby would poop after he had already died. Thinking about it now, why wouldn't he. After his bath he was put into a hospital gown, for babies of course. They had little special ones made just for the little ones that are born sleeping. While my husband and I were packing for the hospital, we didn't even think to put in some outfits for Jayce. I get mad at myself occassionaly for that.

After the bath we just relaxed, cried, kissed him and held him. The nurses came back in to make me a memory box. They took his footprints, wrote down some different information, and asked if I wanted them to clip a little of his hair from the back. I said yes! They put everything into this pretty, pretty box. They gave it to me along with a little teddy bear. In the box there was also a little outfit, like the one he was wearing.. and a hat. That hat was so tiny!! I assume it was made for babies that were born VERY early. There was no way my childs big head could fit into that!! lol Along with a big ol' head, he also had some of the BIGGEST feet I have ever seen on a newborn! Seriously, where did he get those things?

Around midnight, my husband left to go pick up my mom from the airport. She was finally there! They came back up to the hospital and we just talked. Grandma held him and of course cried with us. Shortly after that, they moved me to a different room. They took me up to Oncology. The nurse said it was so I didn't have to see other moms and/or pregnant women. I wish I would have told them that I didn't want to go up there. I wish I would have said i wanted to stay on the l/d floor. Why they thought surrounding me by more death would be better, is beyond me. Thinking about it now, I think it was more for them than for me. Oncology nurses are much more used to death than a labor and delivery nurse.

I was so tired, but I didn't want to fall asleep. I just wanted to hold, hug, kiss and stare at my baby! Afterall, I wouldn't be able to do it much longer. My time with him was limited and I knew that. I had to squeeze a lifetime of Jayce into about 17 hours. I did end up falling asleep for a few hours. I'm glad I did. Because now I can say that I bathed him, changed his diaper, and slept with him and I can keep those memories forever.

Once morning came I knew I had to hand him over soon. I couldn't keep him forever. My mom called the Pastor up, he came and we prayed over him. The Pastor blessed him for us and then I had my last few moments with him. These last few moments were the hardest. They might even be harder than learning that he had died. I had to say goodbye. I had to kiss that precious little Angel and hand him over to the pastor.. so that he could be taken to the morgue.